in division

i am so thankful to have the new underoath single to listen to today... its just playing over and over on repeat because it fits my mood lately.

i feel like a proud parent to have been with them from the beginning. to watch them grow as people and musicians. its a beautiful thing. this new album will be what i believe to date, their best. it was very hard for me to see aaron leave the band, but i know that its for the best. i love them all and only wish the best for them. to know that when i see underoath perform aaron will not be there is sad, but i can still find opportunities to see him on the road, and that makes me happy.

its nice to feel that some of my friendships have lasted and not fallen apart. but its that whole family thing. when God does the connecting it doesn't matter what life throws at you, you know that when you see those friends, you still mean something to them.

now if i could only figure out how to get thru to that point with some of my more recent friendships i'd be all set.

does it feel like home....

its been a crazy weekend, but so good. The Project Festival has come and gone and what a great time! I suppose it really made me miss booking and promoting shows, and not just the shows, but working with the bands and blessing them and building connections and friendships.
I couldn't have asked for a better line up of bands! They were all amazing and it was great getting to know all of them.

my week is going to be a packed one. there is a possibility of a small road trip for an afternoon... lots of work to be done finishing up a book for the CMA Rally... Gospel... moving out of my cabin... and there is sure to be things I'm over looking.

I've got two more rounds at the candy store and then I hope this will finally be the end of it! I can't take much more. Especially when I need to be getting things done and ready for Gospel and CMA.

-------------------------------------------------------

so sometimes i really need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. in my old age i get bolder and my analytical which is not a good combination. haha. i am very thankful for the people that understand me when i'm like that and over look my craziness. haha. they are few and far between but they know who they are and i'm very thankful for their friendship.

one of those people is coming to michigan this week and i hope i can see them one of the days that they are around. if i work a few extra hours in the next couple of days maybe it will happen! a mini road trip would be great. especially to see a great friend!

i think i actually need to go and write in my real journal though. many thoughts are going thru my mind today! and i know if i don't write them out soon, there will be no sleeping tonight! haha.

Reveries of Flight....

A sound ahead from distant peaks, a song that all my brothers sing.
It's just out of reach, to join them I need, the wings the heavens denied me.

It's like you're deaf to my voice, but I've been here for every moment, waiting on your call to move.
If you could just make a choice,
I know you would find me wanting only to be close to you.

"You keep denying my lead!
Because I've tried, I've never pulled back my reach, and I've stayed and I've died, but you keep looking for me where I'm not.
I won't be just where you want me to be.
You've got to believe and just trust that I can be everything."

It's like you're deaf to my voice
"but I'm not!"
I've been here for every moment
"and I've fought"
waiting on your call to move
"just call to move"
if you could just make a choice
"oh I have"
I know you would find me wanting
"I just want..."
only to be close to you
"all of you."

If you would just try and let (me) pry all your grips on worries,
I would come alive in your life and let you find the flight you're longing.


-thank you Oh, Sleeper for such a great song!

end of summer blues....

that's right. summer has come and gone and barely feels like it was here at all. but with the end of August brings our Project Festival, moving out of my cabin, Gospel Music Fest, and getting ready for the CMA Rally.

work keeps me busy as always. its always so weird to see where i was at this point in time last year. the people that were or weren't in my life and how far God has brought me. its really pretty amazing to sit back and look at the events that have unfolded over the past year of my life.

i'm still at Bay Shore. still with my family. and happy.

i'm learning not to question, but just to trust. and to focus on serving God where he has me instead of wondering whats next.

i'm excited about the fall. its my favorite time of year, with the colors and smells and weather....

i've already begun my constant rotation of LOVEDRUG on itunes. not that they don't frequent my itunes on a regular basis as it is, but there is just something about their first cd especially that fits with the moods of Autumn.

one thing that God has taught me this summer is that i'm not alone any more. God has answered my prayers in ways that i may not have understood but am beginning to see in an amazing new way.

i may not have a lot of friends, like i used to, but the ones that have stuck by me and recently entered my life are ones that i feel so blessed to have. its rare that people have one really good friend, and here i find myself with 3 or 4. and at one point it was hard to see this as a good thing, but i truly am blessed.

my mind has struggled a lot lately with whether or not to grow this circle of friends. i've come to the conclusion though that over the past few years i've wanted to know if certain things were God's will, and funny enough, on this one i feel like he wants me to make the decision. either way its a step of faith because i'm not to know the outcome.

i suppose that is a part of our free will. and that in many cases God does not choose for us to know the future, but to remain faithful to Him and trust that He will guide our steps and that when we stop to look back, we will see an amazing road of God moments in our lives. sure there are certain things we can plan for our future, but its still up to God to fill in the details.

all is lost for us if heaven fails....

i love it when God answers your prayers in ways unexpected. especially when some of them have been prayers of the deepest part of your soul for months.

now these answers came out of pain and brokenness and at a point of giving up. things i should have learned by now, but i'm stubborn, so it often takes me longer to learn/see what God is trying to show me, because in order to see Him, first I must empty myself of me...

its amazing to me to see that no matter how stubborn i am though that God never gives up and at just the right moment shows what you need to know to keep you going in the direction of His will.

i'm thankful that God has made me a spontaneous, fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl. it works for most things. like i generally don't have a problem going where God wants me to my struggles come in trusting God with my relationships with friends.

i always want to see a purpose in all that i do, and sometimes you don't always get that with the people that God brings into your life, at least not right off the bat. sometimes it takes a while to actually see the purpose.

everything starts where it ends:
fitting that this is one of my favorite lovedrug songs, but its true that when we get to the point of full surrender we can finally start to live.

i've learned thru disappointment that its not so much about where you are going, or what ministry you are working with but how you portray Yeshua to the world around you. strive to love and put others ahead of yourself and i believe you will find yourself in the midst of where God wants you to be.

i've always been a dreamer and one that will jump into something if i feel even the slightest pull that this is what God wants. why? because i trust that He will use me where i'm at and that He will take care of me. i think life is too short to be too concerned with where to go, so i look at everything as an adventure. probably why i love pirates so much. and the thought of calling the road home. i've always had a hard time thinking that i should settle down in one spot because i like the freedom to be able to go.

God has restored balance to my life recently and with that balance has come joy. i often times speak of a disturbance in the force or the universe being out of whack when certain things happen. but there is nothing like the feeling that the world has been righted and life is spinning in the right direction again.

time for a new post....

yes, it seems like its been awhile since i've even logged into this blog, but as i sit at my desk, my home away from home, it seems... i'm reminded of how work never really gives me a break, just a change in duties. i had kind of liked not spending so much time on the computer this summer, getting to let some of my other talents take shape in doing sound and helping with some of our summer camps. its so awesome to see all the hard work and creativity our deans and staff put into their camps and how each one in their own unique ways reach out to the kids who attend them.

i was very blessed to have been able to be a closer part of a few of them this year. our ministry is about the people and yes, you have to still take care of the daily ins and outs of running a camp, but its always such a blessing when you can see God at work in the lives of others.

its been a crazy busy summer, but i have survived and look forward to now putting my creative mind to work at creating many brochures and promotional materials. its going to be a busy fall season, but hopefully in the midst of all of that i can find some time to relax and maybe even use up my 2 weeks of vacation. haha.

the skies are clouding up and it looks like we are in for some rain. i like rainy days.

so life has not taken me where i thought i'd be, but there are still some great joys that have managed to emerge from the darkness. it has been a great summer, and while i'm not sure where the future will take me, i am confident in this, that God will always keep me where he wants me, and will guide each step of the way.

i am blessed.

i am loved.

and sometimes God works things in our lives better than we ever could have imagined them...

dancin round on life support with matches and a gun....

yes, a lovedrug mood again. as always. haha. its just a natural with me. i'm having an unexpected great week. and its a bit sad that it will come to an end soon.

God has also been calling me back to many things. prayer being one. its a good thing though.

getting ready for baseball/softball camp next week and its going to be great.

eclipse

so i needed to get away for a bit, after my 38 hours of no sleep, so i decided to give eclipse a chance. while there were some good parts to the movie, for the most part i was disappointed. i have always been team jacob. and have always felt that the movies never really conveyed the struggle in bella's heart of how jacob was her soul mate, but edward the one she chose.

and they left out so much in the movie that i felt like it was choppy and hard to relate to. and the part that made me the most upset, was in the beginning. i was waiting for the scene where jacob comes and steals bella from school because edward won't let her go see him, and they had to go and combine it with his confronting edward.

oh well. its just a movie.

my mind would not let me sleep last night. and usually its because of one person, but last night it was not that person, but all the other craziness that is going on. and i suppose its not really craziness. i think its just that i really want to talk to someone about it, but yet, at the same time i don't want to say anything. i suppose what i really need to do is just spend some time with the Lord and journal out all these crazy thoughts. maybe i don't need to tell anyone but God.

either way, what's in my head needs and out or i'm afraid i won't be sleeping again tonight.

funny thing is that it shouldn't be so complicated, i just make it that way in my head. haha.

camp is going well. i can't believe we are half-way thru. and I'm learning a lot. sometimes i really don't know what i would do with out one of my best friends. this person always challenges me to see things from other perspectives and isn't afraid to tell me the hard things that no one else may. and i'm sure a part of that comes from the fact that no one else really knows me the way he does and i appreciate every aspect of our friendship. and i honestly do not know what i would do without it.

3 sleepless nights

well so far its been two. trying to keep up with all my jobs this week has been a bit harder than i thought. but i pulled an all nighter and got much of the work done last night, so i'm feeling good about today. i've got one more dvd to finish, candy store accounts to settle and making sure things are set for the sr. music program sound wise.

i am hoping i made the right choice by staying up. i knew if i slept for an hour i wouldn't want to get back up, so hopefully i can take a nap later. :) this might be harder to pull off than i thought. i'm not as young as i used to be. haha.

but thanks to zac i have been able to make it from 4:30 til 7:30. haha. thank God for good friends who stay up all night too. :)

i turn mood rings black.

i can't believe my last post here was before camp started! i suppose that is how busy i have been. the past 3 weeks have gone by so fast and so many memories have already come and gone that its crazy to think about!

before the summer i was clueless about pop music, i'm still no expert by any means, but i'm starting to be in touch with the "real world" - haha. some songs have stuck in my head longer than they should have.

i do have to say that my favorite right now is the cover haste the day did to "meet me half-way"

camp has been great. and this morning i just saw my dad go by my window on a golf cart that was being pushed by another golf cart! it was a great. i think it was the same one that died on me a couple weeks ago.

my cabin is great and i enjoy it and appreciate having it so much! it was a true blessing from God for this summer. especially with the kind of hours i've been putting in at work.

life kind of threw me for a loop last friday, but its getting better. sometimes you think you are going one way, and the door that was open closes and you're not sure why, but all you can do is choose to trust that God still has a plan in the midst of the uncertainty. sometimes i'm glad that God can move me past disappointments so quickly. i suppose its because a good friend of mine helped me to see that life's disappointments usually come because we jump ahead of God's will for our lives, or we get a glimpse into the future and think that we have everything figured out only to find that God was using it for a different purpose. so after i feel like crap for a day, i give it to God and trust that He still knows what's best and all i can do is take one day at a time.

yesterday was a good day. as was saturday and sunday. family time always helps cheer me up. and the grantham boys might as well be family so it was fun hanging out and going to see the bay city fireworks with them.

my niece actually made me start to wish that i had a kid as awesome as her. we were playing a game on the wii and she was beating me pretty badly (keep in mind she is 4) and everytime she would score a lot of points she would just look at me like, "that's right, I'm AWESOME!" i think she takes after me a little too much! haha. but it made me happy.

its the little things in life that we need to find joy in :) i'm learning that again. we miss out on so much when we are too concerned with the future. so its actually kind of nice having a set back, because now i can only see one day at a time. i do not know where the future will take me, all i know is that i'm at camp and finding ways to love it thru the busyness, that i've got an amazing family and great friends who i love dearly and right now, that is enough.

dead in the water....

new lovedrug songs!! my week is definitely a happier one because of that! :)

i'm listening to the new ep as i wait to send a fax at work, and then its off for the night. i can already tell its going to be a long summer, but i'm remaining hopeful that it will be a great one!

i kinda feel like a walking zombie right now. i ate something with way too much sugar, and now i'm crashing and i'm super tired. i really need to get sleep this week so i can be ready to face the first week of camp around here.

i want to say that its going to be awesome, but i guess this time around i'm setting my expectations a little lower. i know that God will do some awesome things, its just that i know if i build myself up for a great week of hanging out it's going to disappoint me, so i'm trying to be realistic about everything.

i'm super excited to be helping out Wendy and Fishing Camp this coming week! that is going to be a great time. anything i can do to help her not be so stressed out will be worth every bit of effort on my part.

ok, time to fax my report and go to my cabin for the night. maybe tonight i'll watch shutter island.

alice, emails, phone calls and sleep....

well, not necessarily in that order... life is interesting right now to say the least. summer has officially started around camp which means i eat sleep and breathe camp. thankfully God has seen fit to break up that craziness with some time with friends. :)

i watched alice in wonderland again last night, cleaned my cabin, enjoyed laughing with a friend on the phone, did some work and was in bed before midnight. it was a good night. :)

and again i find myself truly blessed by the friends that God has given me. and what probably amazes me even more is that they know how to encourage my heart at just the right times.

as i walked down the road to the office this morning my heart was full of joy and thankfulness.
i love that God knows what we need when we cannot see it for ourselves. i love that God knows what is best for us and if we chose to trust HIM, even when we don't understand Him that He will work out the details.

i don't know where i'm headed, i know where i want to go... but i still do not know for sure how God is going to choose to work out the details. but i am convinced of His goodness and faithfulness in my life. I am convinced of His love for me and others. i am convinced that He wants what is best for me and that i need to learn to trust Him a bit more than i do.

It's a bit freeing when you are finally able to face things in your life that you never thought you could let go of... but its better to give up your hopes and dreams and let God fill you with His, than it is to walk this life half in your will and half in His. I want to finally be walking in His full will for my life, to go where He wants me to go, to bless and encourage those that He puts in my life and to be the best friend that I can be to those that are a part of my life.

friends are the ones that you would lay down your life for; that you want the best for; their happiness means more than yours.

i've realized the real joy in my heart comes from seeing God bless the lives of my friends and family. not from what is happening in my own.

will you pause to break my heart....

its a warm one outside today, probably magnified by the fact that i had to move a bed out of my cabin along with moving around some other furniture to make room for the king size bed that will be replacing it. i suppose God always goes above and beyond our expectations to bless us with something better. the bed i moved out was a twin size bed, so although the bed i'm getting will take up most of the front room in the cabin, i see it as a blessing in disguise. kinda one of those, what the devil meant for harm, the Lord turned to good.

i'm learning to take everything in stride. for a while i was choosing to worry too much, now I'm just trying to do my job and trust that God is in control. i still look forward to this summer and having friends around. and even if others choose to spend all summer watching me like a hawk waiting for me to do something wrong, i will not let that get to me.

God has a bigger purpose, and i will not lose sight of that. it will be a busy and fun packed summer and i hope that i can really take in each moment of it for what God gives me. i'm learning to take life one day at a time and to pray for God's will to be done in each of those days. looking to the future is good, as long as you don't miss out on what God is doing today.

summer weather always makes me want to listen to AFI. i think it stems back from my days of living in florida. haha.

one week....

yep, its been a week already since my last post, and i can happily say that the joy still remains. :)

man, it feels so good to have this freedom in my heart....

so the series finale of LOST was last night. WOW! i'm still confused, but happy with the ending. as it began with jack in the jungle opening his eyes, it ends with him in the jungle closing them... i think i cried more in the span of the finale last night that i have in an entire year! haha. everyone being reunited with those that they love, even if it was in death. it was still beautiful.

and i guess the island is left to speculation. i think this summer i will be spending some time re-watching LOST. haha

i officially moved into the cabin for the summer. it's gonna take some time to unpack and get settled in, but i'm happy to have it. there are a lot of things that i need to pray about, so having a home away from home will definitely help in that.

its going to be an interesting summer. with all that is changing around me, i just want to take it all in. to look at each day as a blessing from the Lord and to live in the here and now. i am looking forward to having some friends around the camp this summer and for opportunities to see them get involved in ways that could bring them future connections to the camp as well.

i never would have thought all of this was possible a year ago and i suppose that just goes to show how amazing God is. He orchestrates our lives in ways that we could never dream of or imagine... i am thankful to have a God that loves me, and that wants what's best for me and that gives me a hope and a future.

oh, and i did infiltrate a bit of pirate decor into the cabin! i couldn't go a whole summer with out some kind of reminder of that!

i like that there is life around the campground again. that summer is just a couple of weeks away and that i get 4 weeks! :)

amazing!

that is the best way to describe my weekend. i don't think i've done so much in a long time, but it was great. art walk in flint friday night and hanging out with an old friend and meeting new ones... then a day of movies: Iron Man 2 and Nightmare on Elm Street. More hanging out with a great friend, and then back down to flint on sunday night for PIPE.

ending my weekend in flint with another great friend was just what i needed. its been a while since i felt a pure joy in my heart, and being at PIPE and continuing to build 'community' with all the great people there was just what i needed.

there is no more doubting, there is no more wondering. God is good and He has shown me things not only about my own relationship with HIM, but with a friend. i am truly blessed. i don't deserve some of the amazing friendships i've been given... and God has answered my prayers in unexpected ways with that.

and i will take the good advice i received last night from one of those friends, and stop worrying so much! :)

God knows what He's doing, and I just need to trust Him first and know that He is in control.

giving up....

... and waiting to see if God gives it back. being able to finally do that has been a very freeing moment in my life recently. and yes, I'm still waiting to see if God does give back what I gave up, but this time I know that if it does come back, it was meant to... that this time God is behind it. That's all I really needed to know anyway.

Sometimes you have to leave it in God's hands and let Him move, because that is the only way you know it wasn't disillusioned by our own thoughts.

today finally felt like a new day. breathe in hope, exhale love....

Thank God for weekends!

It's been a while since I just went out with a friend and hung out. It seems I'm always waiting for the one that can never seem to fit it into their schedule instead of realizing that God has given me a great friend already who likes to hang out and go on adventures with me. I am very blessed to have a friend such as you.

It's also been a while since I felt happy. There is so much going on in my life, and a lot of it isn't easy to go through, but I know what is coming will be worth every minute of struggle that i face right now, especially the struggles I face daily in my own heart.

This weekend was just what I needed to have some fun and hang out and focus on where my heart is being drawn. I think a part of my struggles are coming from the fact that my heart is divided into 2 very separate places. This weekend I asked God to make it undivided. And suddenly the vision that I had been asking for started to flow out. I suppose its true that you can't live with a divided heart for too long before you have to make a choice. I have made my choice, now I'm just waiting on the Lord to bring it to pass. Its still going to be hard, but I will make it, and good things will come from it, because I am following the path that God has laid out before my feet. He is giving me just enough light to see a couple feet ahead of me. To know the direction I'm headed, but to still have to trust Him to get there.

I never saw myself going in this direction, but how can I question what the Lord is doing? I just have to trust and follow Him.

I can tell things are different around here. No one seems to notice if I'm in my corner or not... So, I'm just going to silently do my work every day, and know that even in all of this there is a purpose. Maybe it will do me some good be alone here, to be on the outside. All I want is YOU Jesus.

who wants to live in a world without color?

not me. i'm having a really difficult week. and its frustrating because i feel like i am put into a box. i feel like there are people around here that are afraid of people who think outside the box. why is it that people are so afraid to color their worlds.

everything being bland and white, where is the fun in that? i guess i knew things would have to go back to the way they were, it seems that people who don't like change are afraid of people like me. haha. i tend to shake things up where ever i go. for the good, hopefully. it seems i will be without a bed this summer, but my futon will make due.

i'm trying hard to love people that seem out to get me. funny that i'm reading about loving your enemies, and God challenges me with it. and not enemy in the true sense of enemy... but you know, those who make it hard to want to love and trust them.

if we are to be like Jesus (as christians), then why is it that we are so selfish and only able to look out for whats best for us. to be so blinded that we hurt people we are supposed to work with, for the "good" of what we want in our own lives. Some things are temporal, others last a life time.

its like the people in the church that fight over how a building looks but pay no attention to the people in it who are hurting, or the love that they could be spreading to those in their congregations. when will we stop being concerned with the things of this world that will pass away, and start to focus on our relationships. people are way more important that the color one chooses to paint on a wall. but sadly some people can't see past this. they think that a bright color on a wall = rebellion. i am not a rebellious person, i follow the rules set out before me. i put things back the way i found them. at least when i'm at work.

i guess there is nothing you can do if others are out to get you, i just hope that people can see its not bringing unity, its bringing division. God does not go behind our backs to tell our secrets to the Father, He walks with us and challenges us to do it ourselves. He supports us and loves us and uses His kindness to bring us to repentance. so why do christians feel they need to judge to make themselves look better? the very nature of Jesus was to be a servant, to think of others first. its a sad day in ministry if we can't be like Jesus. if we are so concerned about ourselves and what we want that we can't love.

i know i'm not perfect and i do a lot of things wrong, but i would hope that painting a room or moving some furniture isn't so bad that i'm hurting the ministry of the camp by it. especially when it can be undid so easily.

my lesson for today. let us learn to love and not judge. let us be open with each other in love and not sneak behind people's backs. let us work in unity and love to all those around us. how in the world can we expect God to use us if we can't even love those we work with. and the bigger question there, is how can we God if we cannot first show that same love to those around us. love is just a word unless it is followed by our actions. Jesus didn't just tell people he loved them, he showed it thru every action that proceeded from him.

why is it so hard for us to understand that we are all made different. that we are all a part of the functioning body of Christ here on this earth. why is it that we are so quick to judge someone based on their appearance, or them not doing things our way. yes, my mind doesn't work like everyone elses, my brain thinks of things in a creative way, don't try to understand me, just accept me. Jesus would. Jesus would see my colorful way of seeing the world as part of the beautiful creation he made. Colors reflected in my life are only meant to reflect the colors that He has already used to paint this world.

live and raw

This is how I'm thinking of eating this summer! It will be a bit of a transition, but not too bad, and since cooking will be hard (even in the cabin) it might be the perfect time to try it. Now I just need to find a couple of good cook books. And don't worry, I'm talking only veggies and fruit! :)

thoughts and pictures!

I love IKEA! This is going to be my home away from home this summer and I know I'll be spending a lot of time in this room!

The rest are pictures from around camp. I am really excited for all that God is doing, and will do this summer not only at camp but in other places that my heart has become attached to. I am trying to live one day at a time and to not look too far into the future, otherwise, I might miss something from the here and now.

I am so thankful that God's peace can surpass all understanding! Right now I don't know what I want or how to feel about certain things, but God's peace is still there in the midst bringing me back to reality and reminding me to trust Him and not my own feelings.

I've been reading Paul Vieira's Book Jesus Has Left the Building, and finding all the great words to our generation that are revealed in it's pages all over again. Thank you Paul, for hearing God's voice and writing a book that I feel will be life changing to those who are able to follow Jesus and His model for the church.

The quote that really got to me last night was this:

"Jesus cared for people and met their needs whether they decided to follow him or not."
-Paul V.

How often to do "christians" have an underlying motive behind their actions. Jesus loved people so much that it didn't matter to him if they would follow him or not, he loved them and served them, it was just in his nature to do, he didn't play favorites or seek out only those that might believe and follow him. He lived out a life-style that all of us as followers of Jesus should live.

I believe that God is shaking my world up, in a good way. He's opening my eyes to what's really important. PEOPLE. Relationship is the key. We were created to have a relationship with God. and our relationships with others reflect that relationship with God. That's why we crave it so much. Our generation doesn't just want words, we want love in action. We want to be love in action. The only way to do this is to meet people where they are and to love them with no motives or strings attached. Our ministry therefore is found in the very way we live our lives. To follow Jesus and the way He lived involves a big cost, but look at how He changed the world. He poured Himself into 12 disciples, and those 12 disciples went on to spread the gospel to the world. Imagine what could happen if we started to get back to that model of discipleship on a mass scale. They say one person can change the world.... and I believe that. Look at Jesus. Its really time that the church started to look like Jesus, act like Jesus, and represent Jesus to the world....

we fall like stars...

the sun is shining bright, i made a new summer mix cd and i'm looking forward to a great week. how it will end, who knows, but i am sure it will be good, whether i end up alone or with people.

i'm learning about myself that i am very quick to build my life around friendships which seem to result in unfair expectations. maybe i really don't know how to have a healthy friendship. i've got a couple of them, but outside of that?

so, i'm learning to just go with the flow, to trust God at every turn, to do things that I want to do without needing someone to do them with. that's how its always been for me anyway, so i don't know why its such a big deal to me to have a friend to do things with now.... maybe i am meant to be alone. i don't want to think that way, but i can't deny that it feels that way at times.

i don't always understand why God keeps me wandering alone, but i can't question Him on it any more because I know that He sees a bigger picture. that there is a purpose and plan in my wandering, i just haven't been able to see it yet. So, what good does it do me to question God's will for my life, if this is how He has meant for it to be, then I just need to trust that He wants what's best for me, and that one day this path will make some sense. i will travel this life alone for as long as God wishes. for in it I am never truly alone, Yeshua is at my side and for now that is enough. I'm done with trying to figure out what God is doing... I just want to walk along the path and take His hand and go on the adventure of my lifetime... I think I'm ready for that now.

perspective....

i feel like i gained some today. its a good thing and i am feeling that my day is going to end much better than it began. thanks wendy.

sometimes we ask too much of our friends or hold them to standards they are never going to be able to live up to... when that happens we tend to get a head of God. no more, i'm going to take things as they come, i'm going to stop wondering what it all means and i'm going to enjoy the people that God has put in my life. sometimes i spend so much time wondering what things mean, that i loose sight of the blessing that the people are to me.

tonight i choose to see things differently. i am ready to focus on what God needs me to, and all the rest will fall into place as God sees fit. all the pressure off. i like that. it will help me sleep better at night knowing that all i have to do is give up control and be ok with the outcome, even if its not what i want, because then that will mean its God's best and not my own.

i do not understand the future, but i embrace it and i look forward to all that God has planned. now i just hope and pray that i can keep myself at bay so that its God's will going forth and not my own.

concentration....

its not my strong point today. i have been getting work done, but everything just seems to quiet, and because of that i am having a hard time concentrating on anything. i feel like a little kid with A.D.D.... but I can't even distract myself with the internet. there is that silence thing looming over my head again.

today just hasn't been a good day at all. i'm trying to be happy and enjoy the sunshine and all the good things. it started off a great day, but whatever is hitting me, is hitting me hard. like knock-down punch hard. maybe next week is too long to wait to get coffee, maybe if i would have just had a chance to finish telling some of my story to wendy i would feel better.

the enemy is having a great time with me today... but nothing seems to be helping to bring me out of it. anyone i could talk to, doesn't seem to have time or want to.

its just feeling like a very crappy lonely day, and its probably going to last thru the weekend. God, I hate feeling like this. why do relationships have to be so complicated, why is it then when i could use a good friend to talk to, suddenly the ones that were there are gone...

why do i feel like everything good that has happened this past week was all just a dream and this is me waking up from it, to find myself more alone than ever. this is how my heart feels. God, please break thru this darkness in my soul that has set itself so deep within my heart today. I feel like i'm drowning and can't see the surface. i will fight, i will not give into the devil, its just hard when you feel like you're facing the fight alone. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is victorious, and with him, this too shall pass. i know that God wants to know that I'm IN this and won't walk away. if things are hard now, it may get worse, and if i run now, then i'm just giving the devil what he wants. i guess i just never thought that after the weekend my friendship would still be a question in my head. actually it wasn't until yesterday. see, this is what happens when silence takes over your thoughts.

so much for trying to tell a friend the good points... ever since i did that there has been a deafening silence that makes me think i would have been better off keeping my thoughts to myself, even though they were meant to encourage.

live and learn i suppose. i just want to go home and sleep away the rest of the day so that i don't have to deal with my mind anymore. the only trouble is that then i get plagued by the same thoughts in my sleep.

i need a break, but i'd rather have a BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!

wishing i were alone on a deserted island.

maybe if i didn't have to deal with people, my mind could take a rest. i feel better after posting about an hour ago, but its still not fun to feel ignored by a friend.

but you know what, it doesn't matter. today is a new day, and i will just try my best to forget about it and move on with my day and trust that when God means for us to talk again we will. it just sucks waiting. i'm not good with that, which again, is probably why God makes me wait so much.

silence....

the devil works thru this more than i would like to admit. especially when your mind wants to believe that the person that is bringing about the silence does not want to break it...

i don't know that i can take the cycle of a friendship that moves me to the core with each up and down, even when i know that it is ultimately God that made this connection. i guess when things are going well, i forget that i still need God to be in control.

the silence kills me when i don't understand why.

all i know is patterns from before and the silence hasn't always been a good thing. usually it means that every good thing i'm looking forward to collapses... the weird thing is that 1/2 of the good part is still remaining, even through busy schedules. meeting up with jim for coffee to discuss college ministry is going to be great, but the other 1/2 of that day feels like its going to fall thru... i've been told it won't, but even that has not reassured my heart.

i don't know why i let this bug me so much. it really shouldn't be a big deal at all. i should be used to the disappointment, and i cannot be sure that this silence is going to mean something bad, but that's just the thing, when someone doesn't talk to you, all you can come up with are the bad reasons of why.

i am trying so hard to keep God in control of this friendship, but its so hard when you get glimpses of how good something can be, and then it all fades back into the distance where it has sat for so long.

God, my heart is not strong enough for this, at least it doesn't feel like it is.

i wanna be where your heart is home...

she and him has been on repeat for most of my afternoon. i wasn't sure if i really liked volume 2, but after today, i feel differently. i'm glad i had it to listen to.

the sun is so deceitful today! it shines bright but offers no warmth. i really hope that i can figure out where i'm staying this summer and soon. i'm going to take a shopping trip to ikea on saturday and it would be nice to know whether or not to pick up this cute little table set. i suppose it could be useful either way.

there is so much in my mind that i wish i could blog about, but God has not released me to share much with the world around me. hopefully soon?!

God has to know that I don't deal well with waiting, which is probably why I'm being made to wait to see how the next few months of my life are going to play out. Gotta wait to find out where i'll get to stay this summer, gotta wait to see what happens in flint... gotta wait on matters of my heart... the weirdest part is that i only feel impatient about one, and that's finding out where i can call my home this summer at the camp. and i suppose that's not really that big of a deal, i just want to start cleaning and decorating. its almost may and i don't want to have to do it all right before camp starts. especially since friends will be a big part of my summer this year. i'm excited about that!!

i am so glad it is thursday night and that i can escape my thoughts for 2 hours and enjoy Bones and Fringe! Oh man, Peter is gonna find out he's from the other side! its almost 4:30 and that means the end of another day. And I am ready for it to be done. my mind is exhausted. tomorrow i've got two brochures to work on (one to finish) and an ad to make for the kidsville news. it will be a long hopefully creative day!

Hungry....

will always stand as one of my favorite worship cd's of all time. and it is what i have heavily leaned on to get me through my morning.

there is so much that i wish i could blog about today... but it's just not the right timing, yet. i had a pretty exhausting and amazing weekend. Kick-Off is now come and gone, and was a great night, even though there were a few stressful moments. Sometimes I think I should have been an event planner or something. haha. I really do love things like that, but I also like to be able to sit back and enjoy them too.

i started re-reading paul vieira's book, "Jesus has left the building". Its always encouraging to read pages in a book that speak to your passions, and after some conversations this weekend its those passions that are getting stirred up within the depths of my soul... it seems that i will be met with some big decisions over the few months, but in a strange way, i feel like i know how some of them will play out, i'm just waiting on God for the whole picture of what He's up to.

connections....

recently i feel like i've been re-connected to an old friend, even though a month ago this person was a complete stranger to me. funny how life will do that.

should be working... finding distractions

who am i really kidding. i'm not going to accomplish any more work today. its too nice outside. i really just want to watch the sunset over the bay and still make it home in time for Fringe. Somehow I don't see both of those things happening. maybe i'll enjoy the sun setting as i drive home. that's probably more like it.

its days like today that make me miss living in florida... it did have a few good points.

the gloria record is the perfect soundtrack as i sit and blog and feel the cool breeze coming in my window. man i wish they would have made more music. i will forever love them.

its been kind of a rough day, but i made it through and was able to appreciate all of the beauty that is in the new main speakers that zac helped me decide on and buy for the camp. i did a lot of set up for the kick off banquet as well. went to a promotional outing. not feeling the greatest, so thankfully i didn't have to do much.

i guess i learned the hard way that after changing my eating habits for a few weeks, that adding something like cheese back in, is not a good thing. i will not be making this mistake again. my stomach is still hating me for that.

i'm in the mood for a good depressing love story. i'm thinking the movie closer would do. it makes me cry every time i watch it, but it will always be one of my favorite movies. maybe i just like seeing that my life isn't the only one that is screwed up and complicated. even if it is just a movie.

breaking my own heart.

for some reason i've been listening to old school haste the day... like burning bridges old, and missing those days of driving to indiana every other weekend. ok, maybe not every other weekend, but it was around those days that indiana was like home away from home. good times.

there is so much still to do to get ready for kick off and its only a couple days away! ahhhh.... i had to take work home with me last night and spent most of the morning shopping for items to put in a basket for a silent auction. today will be busy with moving everything to the youth center, including to very big and heavy speakers. i might have to get creative with that one. haha. its days like today that i praise God for cars and other various forms of transportation that include wheels!

i really need to make myself a to-do book, because the amount of items on my plate at work is ridiculous! and i know that my mind will miss or forget something if its not written down in front of me.

and in all my pulling away from being so involved with Gospel this summer... seem that God had other plans on that one. haha. but why am i not surprised?! i had a very good conversation with one of the people on the committee. but in that one conversation i got myself right back into the thick of things. which is ok. it seems that even though Gospel is not one of my favorite styles of music to listen to, that at least i can appreciate and am starting to feel a part of their family. i like that. its the one reason why i don't mind being involved, everyone is family and its a nice feeling. i hope that with the project festival we can develop some of those family relationships as well.

things are going better at work. i really am just trying to live life day to day, to fully appreciate the time that God is giving me, and to not be so concerned with looking ahead to what's next. its so easy as we head towards the summer to only focus on that. but there is so much in between now and then, that i don't want to wish time away. and i'm trying to be better at appreciating my friends and each moment i have with them as well. sometimes i set myself up for disappointment because i'm always looking forward to that next text or phone call, when i should really just be happy and thankful for those moments as they come. no expectations. sometimes that is really hard for me. but i'm learning. :)

its going to be a BEAUTIFUL day and i'm excited. with each item that i finish and can check off my list, the less of a weight i feel on my chest, and that is a good thing.

i need a beginning again....

that is how i feel right now. it makes me angry when the devil messes with my head, and makes things hard for me at work. i do not like it. and i was having a great day, until one little conversation seemed to set me up for failure. i don't know why i'm having such a rough couple of days, but i pray it gets better soon.

personally i don't think that we should be going behind each others backs to tell our boss that they are disappointed and don't believe that i'm doing my job right. maybe if i didn't feel threatened that someone is working behind my back to make me look bad i would be ok with it.

sometimes i feel that people are too quick to cut you down rather than to help build you up. and it makes me sad that someone i trusted seems to be out to get me. to point out all of my faults instead of finding things to encourage me with. her disappointment might have been different if i felt she was sharing it out of love instead out of a desire to make me look bad.

none of us really knows what another faces in their day, and if she meant it to help, going behind a persons back is not the way to deal with your feelings.

maybe its the lack of sleep. i had a rough night and my mind would not let me sleep. and when i thought i could finally let that rest, then my stomach didn't feel good. but i still woke up this morning and was thankful for the day that the Lord had given and prayed for His will to be done just like i do each morning.

i was enjoying the grey skies and that my coffee tasted so nice with coconut flavored creamer... and that i was going to get to have lunch with a friend. i suppose there are still many things to be thankful for.

and i will pray about the anger in my heart because i don't like it to be there. it just brings back so many feelings that are hard to deal with. i feel betrayed. i feel like i lost all my trust in someone i used to confide in. this morning i saw a whole different side. i saw a manipulative, i'm out for what's best for me, kind of attitude, and that worries me. i don't like feeling that there is someone watching and waiting for me to do something they don't like so they can go and tell the boss. and i can't help that i feel that way. it will pass as i give this over to God and allow him to take control of my thoughts and feelings.

but i knew if i didn't write them out, i wouldn't be able to concentrate on the work that i need to accomplish today.

thank you Lord, for this day and for friends that i know i can trust and for loving me enough to watch out for me and to get me through the hard times in my day.

summer

so i got an ok to move into a room at camp this summer! its not quite what i was hoping for but at this point in time i will take what i can get. it will still be a personal space all to myself, that i can add a few homey touches to. i already have great plans to make it like a little apartment. and will have 10+ weeks to enjoy it before i have to think about giving it up for family camp. that is really the only downfall. however, i may have a plan for that too! lets hope. i would hate to have to move everything out, but am willing to do so.

let the planning and decorative touches begin! :) that is the funnest part, i think.

she's disaster...

i do not like the fact that i can see snow falling outside my window. i know that its michigan and if i wait a day or so it will be warm and sunny, but i feel like venting about how much i'm not happy with the snow or cold weather today. i suppose if i thought hard enough i could find a reason to be thankful for the snow today, but i don't want to. haha

i have found the reason why i've been getting distracted at work. and even though it distracts me, i'm not going to do anything about it. haha.

i don't have a lot to say today. its friday and i am happy for the weekend. this week has been such a blur. so much to do for work and the festival. lots of conversations/emails but lots of good stuff has happened, so in the midst of all the craziness its been a really good week. still on a high from seeing lovedrug last friday and kinda wishing i had a mini adventure like that to go on again this weekend....

time to stare my distraction in the face and get some work done! :)

so hard to concentrate....

i must need a day off, because my brain is going in so many directions that i'm having a hard time picking just one path to stay on. i have all i need to get done for work, and that is what i am trying my hardest to concentrate on, but i just can't seem to get myself in a creative mode to accomplish what i need to do. i suppose its like writers block. sometimes you need to get away and find a new inspiration for what you were working on in the first place.

my heart is heavy for friends, that is definitely part of it...

its weird how the part of life that was throwing me off for the past month is now what seems to be centering it. i'm not going to complain because i'm very thankful to God for the recent breakthrough. i just need to keep reminding myself to follow God's path and not my own, because i really don't want to end up in the same mess of emotions that i was in before.

i can't stop listening to the new LOVEDRUG EP. its perfect. its everything that made me fall in love with their music in the first place. the songs are haunting and beautiful.

i was hoping if i forced my mind to take a break and focus on something besides a brochure for a bit that it might help me finish what i need to... is it working? not yet.

maybe i'm having a hard time concentrating because i'm making a brouchure for a cruise in the caribbean sea that i would love to be going on, but can't see it happening. not only is it a little more than i can afford right now, but it comes at a really busy time at work for me. ok, i really don't ever have a down time, but lots of promo goes out in January.

ok, now i'm getting distracted by LOVEDRUG. ahaha.. i need the sun to come back, or maybe i just need a road trip that lasts more than one night. :) everyone else has been taking time off, but i still can't find time to. and i just keep adding things to my plate for the summer. i really do pray that i will have a place to stay on the grounds this summer, otherwise i don't see myself getting much sleep and being extremely broke from all the trips i'm going to have to make back and forth. sometimes i do wish i lived a little closer to camp.

ok, so i have lots of pictures of friends all over the walls by my desk, but it was just today that i really started to notice all of their stares. some of them are good, others distracting and some are just plain creepy. maybe its time to start re-vamping some of my collages! haha.

only a couple of hours of work left. maybe i will switch my focus from the cruise to kick off programs. ah yes, i bet i could get those done and maybe even printed by the end of the day! that would be nice. i have to start getting promo stuff ready for the tables. perfect. i don't have to think too hard to do that!

i guess writing some of my thoughts did help! ahaha...

i lost my fear because fear is never living....

breathe deep, inhale, exhale.... its a new day. life seems oddly normal again. well, if you can call life normal... but i'm ok with that right now. normal by some standards is ok. that just means that certain unknowns seem to have righted themselves and i can sleep better at night (well, ok, maybe not because i listen to lovedrug as i fall asleep and my brain gets over-active because i love their music so much... so that's probably the real cause behind not falling asleep when i should. ;) but i can definitely breathe again... i was not wired for uncertainties. i don't deal well with them and until they are righted my whole life gets thrown out of whack. at least for now i seem to not be fighting to walk against the natural rotation of my life.

i've been listening to We Shot the Moon a lot lately. good pop rock. definitely music that makes you happy for spring/summer!

i got the new Secret and Whisper Cd yesterday. and if i'm being honest, i was a little disappointed. maybe because i was expecting so much after loving their first cd and playing it to death... i don't know. i guess sometimes the vocals just get a little much. the music is great, but sometimes repetitive. gosh, i feel like a music critic now. but i'll give it a fair chance to impress me. i want to like it, but there's just something missing in it for me.

ain't no sunshine....

i'm listening to the mix of songs i made that would be perfect to listen to during a thunderstorm and the storm is starting. i can hear the thunder outside and that makes me so happy!!!! i absolutely LOVE thunderstorms!

i'm feeling some freedom in my heart again today. i go back and forth, i know. but have you ever had something/someone pulling your emotions in weird directions that you couldn't explain. that is what happens to me. but only with one person. i wish i knew the cause so that i could stop it from happening, but it still seems to escape me. and as hard as i try to go on with life, its hard because i realized last night that i've wrapped so much around this person, that i almost can't just cut them out. i suppose that is a lesson learned too late.

what really gets me, is that i know there are positives to this person in my life too, i just don't think they feel the same. in fact, right now its as if they can't even be around me. and i suppose that could be where the second wave of crazy emotions came from. i guess the thought of having to endure a few weeks this summer with a person who was a friend and now doesn't seem to want to see you or talk to you is going to be hard. all i can do is pray it won't be as hard as i see it being in my head.

i really hope something gives soon... i just want my friend back. i don't like being without them, but i understand that its not my choice... so i wait and pray and hope that one day things can be better between us again. i think sometimes people don't quite understand how perceptions can win out when you are left not knowing what's really happening...

i think maybe its a good thing they don't know about this blog too... haha. of course, its their own fault, because i can remember a time when they wondered why i didnt journal about them... so this is payback i suppose....

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things are finally starting to come together for the project festival. doing this brings up all the good and bad points of being a promoter. but i have to say that i really miss having a venue. maybe i should pursue that again? i could do it on the side while still working at bay shore.
i suppose there is just something about taking care of bands and hosting shows that will never truly leave my heart. i just wish i understood how that could all still be a part of this life God has me living in MI.

maybe this festival is a way to get something going again. i kinda hope so. its going to be great having that many musicians around at once and feeling connected to people again. i just wish that it could have been some of my friends playing for me. maybe in a year or two down the road.

you're dancin' round on life support with matches and a gun....

lovedrug show - a perfect excuse for driving to lansing with j.starks and going on a mini adventure! one that lead to getting lost, great coffee, lots of walking, picture taking, coughing so much that my stomach still hurts (cigarette smoke, singing and being sick don't mix well) and one amazing set from lovedrug that seemed much too short...

i am seriously blessed to have a friend like j.starks. one who takes me for who i am and never treats me as anything less... at times i feel i don't deserve that. having a friend who understands you, even when you don't always understand yourself is a rare thing to find. at least for me.

sometimes i feel i'm getting too old to stay involved with music, but a conversation from this weekend made me happy that there are people in my life that will always push me to follow those passions.

i was always worried that by seeing lovedrug perform again that it would ruin the perfect image that was in my head from the last time i saw them. standing on a chair in a sea of people just so i could get a good look at m.shephard on the piano. it was one of the most amazing shows ever... and even though the setting was completely different this time around, it was kinda nice being one of the 20 people or so that stood around the stage to support a very good band! i was surprised that there were no songs from sucker punch played, but i didn't mind because that meant more new and old songs that i love... there were no disappointments, except maybe the sound, but from the band, nothing but pure bliss to be hearing them live once again! j.starks did make an interesting observation that the people in the audience all seemed to be musicians of some sort. haha. i suppose that would make sense, because i think it would take someone really into good music to appreciate lovedrug.

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its funny that not even a month ago i was feeling that instead of spring bringing life, that it was bringing death to so many good things in my life. much of that was a choice, i needed to let go of those things and give them up to God and finally surrender to His will and not my own. it brought a lot of freedom to my heart and even though i was sad because i thought i would be on my own for much of the spring and summer, i knew it was what needed to be done. what i didn't expect was how much life has changed in a matter of weeks. some of that being blessing and some of it just confuses me. so i will take what i've gotten back, but with a new perspective. this time i'm going to make sure i seek God's will and not my own. i don't want to be disappointed again and the only way to keep me from that is to not set myself up. if i'm asking every day for God's will to be done then how can i be disappointed if things don't go the way i would like them to, for they will have gone the way God wanted them to.

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maybe spring is bringing new life to friendships i thought i was saying goodbye to, maybe its a chance for me to start on a new path and to truly seek out God's will for me here in michigan and to worry more about serving HIM than serving myself. it is a new day. it is a new start for me, a fresh take on my life and i pray that it accomplishes all that God has meant for me.

blogging...

i forgot how nice it is to blog every day... and probably not many people read this, which is kind of nice in a way, because i feel a little more freedom to write things that are on my heart...

today the weather is supposed to hit near 80! that seems so crazy to even think about. it makes me want to put together a mix cd, pop it in my car and take a road trip. oh, wait! i am taking a mini road trip tomorrow to go see lovedrug with josh! perfect. now all i need to do is make the mix cd.

my windows by my desk are open and muse is playing on my computer. i've recently re-discovered how much i really do love that band! so good. they will be a part of my mix for sure. the only thing i don't like about them right now is how i hear them all over tv. it would be cool if they were promoting the same show, but i'm talking like 3 different shows all using their songs... enough already. haha.

i've had a very interesting morning. it all started with a weird dream about being back in israel, seeing someone and finding out they were married. i don't know that i liked that dream. it seemed all too real. but i will blame it on the fact that i read the final few chapters of eclipse last night where bella choose to marry edward. i've always related most to jabob's charatcter and so i guess my subconscious mind was relating to that. i've actually considered writing a fiction (based on a true) story about a period of time in my life, if only to have a way to remember the good memories that now seem so distant and to quite possibly find the closure i've been so desperately needing to find for my heart. i guess i thought after a few years passed the dreams would stop and my heart would have moved on... and while in many ways i have moved on (at least i've given up the dream) sometimes i wish i would have had the courage to say the things i wanted to say the last time i was in israel, but my heart was so broken that i couldn't force myself to do it, so i left and i've somewhat regretted that. i try to live my life to not regret anything, but there are a few things surrounding that time in my life that i do regret... and not about the friendship, but about the way i treated the one person that meant the world to me. maybe not having closure about that is my punishment. either way, its been on my mind a lot lately. 2 dreams in a matter of weeks will do that i guess. its been long time since its been that frequent. and i have moved on to different books, so maybe that will cause the dreams to cease again...

anyway, then i get to work and get a phone call from donnie cox. kinda threw me off a little, especially since its been a while since i thought about gospel music fest. i had kind of made up my mind to back away from things, for reasons not to be gone into detail. i suppose there is no escaping what i've put myself in the middle of though. and i really do want to be there to help the severances especially since they have done so much to get our other music fest going. here i go, back into the mix. haha. i just think it was funny timing this morning.

today is my last day of work this week and i'm super excited to have a 3 day weekend! especially with the weather looking so promising. awesome.

i've got lots to do today, so now is time to keep creating!

Sunshine!!!!

and no, not the movie, although, i wouldn't mind watching that again soon. haha. i was in a great mood until staff... i guess i let myself get worked up too easily, even when people are just kidding around trying to make me worked up. i guess i just wasn't in the mood for the joking today, or maybe it was more about the subject being joked about either way, i was very glad to come back to my desk and feel the warmish breeze coming thru my window. yesterday the sun was deceiving, today it means what it promises.

i've been re-reading new moon and eclipse. i don't know what it is about those two books of the series, but i can read thru them faster than any other book that i pick up. its kinda stupid really, to loose sleep over a book, but i have been. now that i'm almost done with them i'm catching back up, but for a while there i was staying up a bit too late.

one of the things i'm most excited about now that warm weather seems to be settling in for a stay is the fact that i don't have to wear shoes!! i agree that shoes do serve a purpose, but my feet enjoy being free from their restrictions.

i'd really like to know what's up with american idol this season. i mean really, i don't think i would want any of them to win purely based on talent alone. its almost not worth watching and that makes me sad. but since LOST is on Tuesdays, i'm not too concerned. man, try wrapping your head around that show as it nears the end! but i LOVE it!

ok, my good mood is coming back to me now! its gearing up to be a great weekend, if i can stay focused on that and the beautiful sunshine and weather that God is blessing us with, then i'm sure that mood will last.

only one more day of work until my long weekend that will hopefully include, dying easter eggs, seeing lovedrug, meeting with the coolest committee ever (haha), sunrise service and breakfast at church and whatever other adventures come my way!

i guess i should get back to the stack of thank you's that are calling my name on my desk and then maybe clean up my desk a bit...

don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen...

another new episode of LOST is on tonight! very excited about that. island secrets finally starting to become known. it is a bit sad that the series is coming to an end, but i own all the seasons on dvd, so i'll never have to be without the show! i can still remember watching all of season one with debbie. good times. good times.

the sun is shining so bright today, but the wind is still cold... very soon though, that too shall pass and i can finally pull out my new spring clothes!

i was so happy to receive a call from toast today and we are going to see lovedrug on friday! wow. i haven't been this excited about a show in a long time. it will be great to spend time with a friend and go on a little adventure.

so i really want to find a reason to set up our new speakers and truly test their abilities. maybe when i have the committee together on saturday we can pull them out and set them up! that would be great.

definitely another good day. who knew that all i needed was a little new moon and eclipse to set my mind at ease. haha. ok, and definitely God's peace thrown in there too! maybe spring does hold the promise of some good times. i just had to be ready to look for the blessings that God had waiting for me to find.

fire and ice

so they say it will be in the 70's by the end of the week and i can't wait!! its time for the cold weather to give way to spring!

lately i've been listening to the band FAIR. we are looking at bringing them in for our music festival in August... Any chance to work with Aaron Sprinkle is well worth the effort.

it seems my heart is healing itself from the loneliness. probably has a bit to do with the weather changing, and me realizing that i just have to trust that God knows whats best. for the first time since last summer, i feel a bit of freedom again. not all people that come into our lives bring what we wish them to. and sometimes you just know when its over, but there is no pain or disappointment in it anymore. its nice to not be affected by that anymore.

God may take things away, but he only prunes that which is unhealthy for us in the first place. we don't always like it, and yes, sometimes we fight it thinking we know what's best, but when we finally give in and let God be in control he leads us to the freedoms our hearts have been searching for.

life around here doesn't always make sense to me, but i'm beginning to accept that.

------------------------

i have one week to successfully find a way to have a pirate themed easter egg hunt for my niece. i guess my influences have been wearing off on her. last week she told me she wanted a pirate easter, and continues to remind me of that.... i suppose her aunt better get to work on figuring out how to make that one happen!

for the moment i'm happy.

and shepherds we shall be
for Thee, my Lord, for Thee

saints and moons...

so i can't seem to stop listening to the boondock saints soundtrack... but i suppose that is ok. its a nice mix to work by.

i finally watched new moon last night. i have to say that i'm glad i didn't see it in the theater. i was highly disappointed. i for one am a fan of jacob black. and i was super excited because this was to be his story... the movie however, left out way too much. i am so glad that i read the book and could fill in all the gaps, and i suppose if you haven't read the books, you would be more interested in bella and edwards relationship anyway, so it wouldn't really matter.

all this to say, i know how the story ends, so i can understand the not playing up of the relationship between bella and jacob, but i think that they are leaving out a key element of the story to not show the real conflict in bella's heart leading up to eclipse. yeah, the movie hit on all the big moments, but what about the little ones, those are the moments from the book that made me cheer for jacob. although i always thought that he deserved better than bella. but maybe i cheer for the guys that come in second best because i have been in that situation before. the best friend that never has a chance... yeah, so i suppose i'm a little sympathetic to jacobs character, which is why even thought i thought new moon was a good movie, i was highly disappointed.

enough about that. thank goodness all saints day didn't disappoint. :) although, i did have to watch it more than once to fully appreciate all of its goodness! and found that it is best to watch it after seeing the first one again.... it did help make for a great week of celebrating st. patty's day. watching both boondock movies, searching high and low for the soundtrack, making rainbow cupcakes, wearing an outfit to work that everyone else thought was silly.... it turned out to be a great day and week of fun!

i'm glad that i can celebrate st. patty's day again. for a few years, i didn't like to think about it, or what it reminded me of. this year, however, was different and i'm glad.

its weird because as people come and go from my life, i'm reminded that there is a purpose in each friendship no matter how long or short lived. its just hard when you expect them to last longer than they do... last year at this time i was spending most of my extra time in saginaw... i kinda miss those days, and yet, i can see how we have all kinda gone our separate ways, or gotten busy with other things. its hard though, when friendships just move on and you don't really understand why. sure time and busyness can threaten even the best attempts, but you are still left to wonder if you really meant much to the person when they don't make time for you... and i am guilty as well for not always trying to keep things going, so i don't blame anyone when it happens, it just seems that as i'm heading into spring and summer that i'm back to being alone... sometimes i guess i just wish that my friendships around here could last longer than a few months/year... but maybe they aren't meant to. maybe i really am meant to be alone as i follow the will God has for me. (and by alone i don't mean not to be in a relationship - i mean not to connect with people on a friendship level) i do have a couple of friends from my days before i moved home that have survived and continue to grow and i am ever thankful for them... i don't know what i'd do without them. sometimes i just wonder why God only answers my prayers for short times here in michigan. i pray and ask for friends and people to connect to that share similar interests, and i get them, only to slowly watch them fade away after months pass. and every time i think things will be different, they turn out the same. i guess its just a part of growing up and getting older. the hard part is that the more this happens, the more i want to just give up and not put any time into friendships at all, which isn't good either.

so... i choose to get up every morning and pray for God's will to be done, to work hard at the ministry He has called me to and to remain hopeful.

clouds

i like that its cloudy today. its friday and it would be nice if it were a gorgeous sunny day, but that really wouldn't fit my mood, so i'm glad that its grey and cloudy. sometimes you just need grey days. those days where its ok not to smile. where disappointment isn't so bad because you were prepared for it.

i'm finding that its much easier in life to just leave things in God's hands and not build any expectations of my own, because that is when i am crushed by disappointments. its hard to get mad and disappointed about something if you are letting God decide the outcome. in that instance all you can do is trust that things worked out as they were meant to... and maybe that is why today i'm ok and simply enjoying a grey day.

my heart remains hopeful that God always knows whats best. journaling has been soo good for my soul again. and not blogging, but journaling or writing emails i never mean to send. haha. either way, i'm finding that lately i've been too quick to speak and not pray. and i'm finding that the enemy likes to plant lies in your head about what's really happening. that is why i'm leaving things to God. i can't control people or the decisions they make, and its not worth being disappointed by people just because they aren't living up to my standards... so, as i learn to be a grown up, i am convinced that God is good, that He wants what's best for me and that life is more of a joy to live when i'm free from all the disappointment.

there is a sunny spot in my day... i'm going to leave work early and go to the store and buy the new Boondock Saints movie. it makes me happy that the brothers are back together. maybe i'll even see a movie or go shopping... i've got some extra time on my hands to kill now that my afternoon plans have opened up, so i guess i'll see where the wind takes me... maybe i'll still go and get some coffee, only instead of conversation, i'll read a book... hmmm.

spring is in the air....

i watched the movie "Moon" the other day, and I have to say that even though it is a very quiet movie (not much to the soundtrack) and a lonely movie, it was one of the better ones i've seen in a while...
i also rushed out to see the new Alice in Wonderland. I liked the movie for many reasons... one of the main reasons being that alice is placed in a world where she can't remember ever visiting wonderland, she thinks it was all just a dream... and when she returns it takes her a while to believe that she is the "real" alice. sometimes that's how i feel. that it takes me a while to really believe who i am, and that i'm in the right place. to live up to the destiny that God has called me to. we all think it would be easier if we just knew what is to come, like alice, they kept telling her that she was meant to slay the jabberwocky, but it took her a while to believe that she was capable of that future. if we were to know where our path of life is to take us, would we still believe that we could accomplish those big tasks? or is that maybe why God only lets us see a small bit of our path at a time.
i also liked that this wonderland is a bit dark. to me, it was still beautiful. and i will always appreciate the mind of tim burton and what he creates.

i've also been very into the last season of LOST. There are so many themes of good vs evil, and predestination and again, living up to who you are meant to be and having the faith to believe it...
i find it very interesting that the man of faith, locke, is now portraying the smoke monster, and that jack is now starting to believe that he was brought to the island for a purpose... last nights episode left me wishing that the other 9 episodes would continue and the wait of a week in between would disappear.

lovedrug has 3 new songs out that i can't stop listening to... usually lovedrug is the music i would choose to listen to in the fall, but these new songs are justly fitting to spring.

its hard at times to be happy about spring, because spring signifies new life and at times it feels like more is being cut off and dying than coming back to life. this winter has been a rough one. i'd like to say that i have life figured out, but all i can say is that i know i'm still where God wants me. there are many things i wish i could change, but i'm just learning to trust God in the midst of it all. maybe someday i will see the desires of my heart be met. i have to at least hold on to that hope of someday. michigan can be a lonely place, but i press on because God has a bigger plan and i choose to believe that.

the sun has been shining for 3 days straight and i am loving it! they say rain is to move in, and you know, i don't even mind the rain. i especially look forward to spring/summer thunderstorms.

its funny too, because when i was a kid i can remember hiding in the laundry room because i didn't like storms and now i can't get enough of them. i miss being able to sit on my front porch in chicago during storms and yes, i even miss playing in the rain and jumping in puddles with a friend when life seems a bit dark...

i need a break... but i'd rather have a breakthrough.

i am sitting at my desk, it hurts my head to look at this computer screen, and even more to think about the words that i'm going to put down on this blog. yes, this morning i woke up with a migraine, it was starting to get better until i got to work. now its all i can think about, but i'm supposed to go to a promotion outing this evening, which means that i will work a 12+ hour day, no matter how i'm feeling. so i'm trying to make the best of it.

i can't wait until some of the stress of life is lifted.

2010

this morning i woke up and the world seemed so much brighter. maybe its that we are getting a january thaw and the sun is shining bright and its supposed to be warmer outside today...

all i know is that i love this feeling of freedom in my spirit that has taken over today. i pray that it lasts and that this new year is full of freedom, hope and endless possibilities.

maybe its that i feel my heart is free to dream again. with the things uncertain about my job and what was going to happen, now lifted (at least for now) i feel focused and ready to take on whatever this year brings.