silence....

the devil works thru this more than i would like to admit. especially when your mind wants to believe that the person that is bringing about the silence does not want to break it...

i don't know that i can take the cycle of a friendship that moves me to the core with each up and down, even when i know that it is ultimately God that made this connection. i guess when things are going well, i forget that i still need God to be in control.

the silence kills me when i don't understand why.

all i know is patterns from before and the silence hasn't always been a good thing. usually it means that every good thing i'm looking forward to collapses... the weird thing is that 1/2 of the good part is still remaining, even through busy schedules. meeting up with jim for coffee to discuss college ministry is going to be great, but the other 1/2 of that day feels like its going to fall thru... i've been told it won't, but even that has not reassured my heart.

i don't know why i let this bug me so much. it really shouldn't be a big deal at all. i should be used to the disappointment, and i cannot be sure that this silence is going to mean something bad, but that's just the thing, when someone doesn't talk to you, all you can come up with are the bad reasons of why.

i am trying so hard to keep God in control of this friendship, but its so hard when you get glimpses of how good something can be, and then it all fades back into the distance where it has sat for so long.

God, my heart is not strong enough for this, at least it doesn't feel like it is.