winter in my heart

this song has been on repeat tonight (the shane blay version) funny what you can learn about yourself from someone else. funny that two people can have similar coping methods. life is a crazy journey and the people that come and go all have a part to play, big or small. I'm learning this yet again. never would have imagined making a scarf for someone would lead me to such revelations about myself. the two of us are very much alike.

words of a stranger...

can have quite an impact on ones own thoughts and feelings. I do not believe it was by chance that I ended up at your blog tonight. I think it was because I needed a wake up call. I needed to understand what I was facing.

life is a strange journey that we all face. you can embrace it as an adventure filled with love and excitement or you can swallow yourself in darkness and never move on from the pain and destructive habits of your past.

as this year comes to a close I find myself hopeful for a better year ahead. for a renewal of love and beauty and holding on to what makes me me. and if it means being alone, so be it!

I do not live to regret any part of my life... I embrace every experience good or bad. I like to connect the lines of my life and see how they fit.. see how each aspect has somehow prepared me for something unseen until I reflect back.

these past few months have renewed a hope in love and also made me question whether or not we are capable of anything real. I am, but are you? or will you always need someone new to keep you from dealing with who you really are inside. I care when I shouldn't. its because I always see the potential hinding behind the mask. why run? why are we so scared to face ourselves? to let ourselves be happy. I know I've run from this many times. run away from the people that could be good for us in exchange for the people who will use us.

one of my favorite movies is closer. I can't watch it without crying. without relating to at least one of the characters at some point. when it comes to relationships is the rawest and most truthful look at what we are capable of and the heartbreak that we bring to ourselves and those we love.

for some crazy reason I want to be a person you let in. I want to be a person that cares when no one else seems to. I want to be a light for you when all other lights go out. I've seen a glimpse of who you can be, and its beautiful. if only you could see that in yourself.

damage...

this blog post was inspired by a text convo I had the other day... it seems that I get asked this question a lot, so it got me thinking: "why am I still single?" I've come to the conclusion that its not just because I don't have options... yes, that's partly true, you can't be in a relationship if no one is pursuing, but why is it the ones that pursue just aren't worth the effort? I think right now, I am single because I have raised my standards... for too long I've let the wrong boys use me and break my heart, and so now I'm waiting for the guy who will love me for who I am and allow me to love him for who he is. mr right I suppose for me is a guy who is honest and open about all aspects of their life... a man who is comfortable in their own skin and who is ready to be with someone who will love them and support them they way they deserve! id rather have an honest man who is a little rough around the edges than a man who puts on a mask and conforms to the way everyone wants him to be. be forwarned, I see thru fascades and I live in a very black and white world. mean what you say and do what you say. do not be a coward and be of good character. live with integrity. love unconditionally. sure these things might be hard to find, but the truth is, I feel the one who inspired this post also inspires some of the qualities I'm looking for. for I have seen his character in difficult situations and I have listened to him be open and honest thru his music and I believe that the good things about him far out weigh the bad, and one day I know he too will find the love he deserves :)

another reason I find myself single is because I'm not out living the way most single people my age are living. I don't go to clubs, I'm not into one night stands and I'm wanting to find a man, not some boy... to lay the blame on guys not asking me out would not be fair. however what I still don't understand is why the guys that are always asking me this question are good guys, who can't believe someone like me is not taken, but yet they would never ask me out themselves... a little bit of irony there?? I think so. man up and ask me out haha! or don't ask why I'm still single like you can't believe it or that there is something wrong with me.

thank you to the one who ask me this question most recently... you actually inspire me in so many ways... life is too short to live with regrets. I don't try to hide my past, but I do remain hopeful for the future. for now I embrace being single and know that one day the right man will come along. I just don't have it in me to keep trying out wrong ones while I wait, so that is why I'm still single.

children of fire + dinosaur

today is my last official day working for Bay Shore Camp. Its a weird day, to say the least. At times as I sit at my computer, it feels like nothing is changing, and then I know that when I wake up at 3am to get ready to go to my new job, it will truly sink in that my life just took a HUGE step in a new direction. Am I prepared for it?? no. Its hard to prepare for a life change when you didn't see it coming, but I'm going to stay positive. I cannot change what happened, so there is only moving forward on to bigger and better things.

right now God provided me with a job, so I am truly thankful for that! and I know that as time moves forward and I seek out what is next, I'll find it.

I'm about to begin a new scarf. this one is for Shane Blay, the amazing guitarist for Oh, Sleeper!! I'm super excited about this one. Its going to be a new design that I was working on. its funny how Shane's excitement about the scarf totally turned my day around yesterday. I love knitting things, and nothing brings me more joy than knowing the recipient is more excited about it than I am!!

when I leave work today, I'm going to go yarn shopping!

i could be the fallen son (daughter) that your judgement made turn and run...

so many thoughts in my head that i feel need to be shared... but sometimes its hard to put them into a blog entry when i'm not inspired as i once was. about 6 or 7 years ago, i was thinking about writing a book entitled "you give love a bad name." it wouldn't be a pretty book, as most of what i have to say is very blunt and honest. but it might be a wake up call to some people. i've been a christian for most of my life, and my walk with the Lord has been anything but perfect, but i feel that at least its been honest. i struggle, i question, i wrestle... but in the end me and God are still in a relationship. its the times when i thought that i was doing so well with the Lord, that looking back, may have been my most insincere. they were the times that i was most unloving and judgmental. i expected everyone to be like me, because i was doing everything right. wrong! i was missing out on the very nature of who Jesus was and how he lived his life. i was too caught up in the "christian bubble" to see outside of myself to others. it became more about what i could cut out and not do, than it did about seeing God in all the very elements of my day to day life. where we run into danger, is when we fail to remember where we came from. when we start to think that everyone that calls themselves a "christian" is going to fit into the same mold that we do. everyone's faith is lived out differently, and that's not a bad thing. God designed us to be unique individuals all created in His image. if we never stop to question or wrestle with God over things in our life that we don't understand, then how is He ever to show us who He is in the process of guiding us to the answers we seek.

i have struggled a lot this week. i've have been caught between a stupid power struggle that i have lost. i'm not happy about loosing. and i am not happy when people lie to get their own way. i'm not happy when friends won't stand up for you and fight and i'm just feeling alone and abandoned... i am ready to hop on a plane not caring where it takes me and just go away for a bit.

i could be the fallen son (daughter) that your judgement made turn and run...

settling scores by burning bridges...

yep, another day of feeling sick to my stomach. this makes 3 days in the past 5 that work has caused me to be physically sick, because i'm not suffering from any illness.

why is it that i can't just do my job without having to feel like every aspect of my life is being controlled. i mean, i understand getting your work done in a timely manner and working the hours you are given, but when does what i do or not do at work control my own personal time. this is what i don't understand. i work my butt off trying to get things done for this camp, and is it enough? doesn't feel like it. in fact i get told that i can't spend time with my friends outside of work until i get certain things done? interesting. i didn't know that i signed my entire life away when i took this job 5 years ago. tell me to have something done because it needs to be out for the crowd that is coming in for gospel and i understand and have no problem with that. its my job. i'll do it. but please don't control my personal life by holding work duties over my head. what i do on my own time is my business. just as it is anyone else who is off the clock.

this is just me trying to process...

on a happier note there is another new song posted on oh sleeper's facebook page which brings me much JOY!! i LOVE this new song and it gets me so excited for what is to come on their new album!! not only is the music amazing, but i'm finding that so are the guys, which just adds that much more joy to my heart!! i am very blessed to have finally gotten to meet them. and i wish them all the best with the new cd!!

life is good overall. i press on despite the frustration to find something positive in beautiful in each day. doesn't help me to feel any better physically, but at least my mind is free. :)

insomnia

the weather has been so amazing lately. there is a hint of fall in the air and i'm loving it! so ready for summer to come to a close and for cool crisp autumn days to take over. the only thing i'm not liking is the days getting shorter.

i had a very rough morning, but its getting better thanks to God working in situations that I cannot control. funny though how my morning only adds fuel to the fire when it comes to my book idea.

i am choosing to focus on the positives. like the fact that i will get to see and hang out with a good friend of mine for a few days. that i will get to mix sound and help things run smoothly for our weekend filled with southern gospel music.

today the enemy does not win. today i choose to love.

jetpacks was yes...

many thoughts on my mind once again. funny how reading posts on someone's facebook can bring back to mind an old book idea. but maybe the reason i have not been able to shake the ideas is because there are others who need to hear what i have to say, as harsh and honest as it may get.

had a good night reminiscing with dallas taylor, who by all rights is probably one of my oldest friends. its nice to know that 13 years later we can still laugh over all the crazy stories we've shared.

one of the funniest parts of the night was when he gave me a hug to say good bye, stepped back looked at me and said, "you're tiny!" haha. that was proceeded by, not that you were ever big or anything, but, you're tiny! thanks dallas for noticing that i am now half the size i was last time you saw me. ;)

and this is a note to guys in bands, if there is a girl in your midst, please refrain from talking about certain movies and why you like certain parts of them. it can make trying to hang out with your guy friends a bit awkward! thanks. oh and also, girls have feelings too, even the slutty ones. so please don't take advantage of us, just because you can.

yeah, i did a lot of people watching last night too.

the monster

why do i feel like my life is always on repeat? just once i would like a different outcome. yeah, i'm glad for the lessons learned and the people that come and go, but do i always keep having to relive the same scenarios? or can i finally get it and move on?
i'm tired. i'm tired of trying, tired of caring. tired of hoping for once that there is a different end result... its like why even try?
live life with no regrets. i hear that in my head, and i want to always live by that rule, but what happens when you live in the moment and continuously get hurt? eventually you shut down to try and protect yourself. i'm getting back to that shut down point. i was actually doing really well, but this morning i woke up and just felt like all the joy that had been building over the last couple of weeks had been sucked out like a candle flame being snuffed out... eventually there isn't going to be much of me left to break, so if its going to happen, i pray its quick and as painless as possible. trouble is when its painless, its often because i numb myself to the world around me... and then the pain just comes out later. i think i'm getting good at delaying emotion, but i suppose its not real healthy to do.

i wish i could drive to the ocean. sit on the beach. journal out all my thoughts and prayers. and find peace. God and i often had many heart to hearts on the shoreline.

next week is going to be hard on me. i don't know that i'm ready to handle it all, especially with the way i woke up feeling this morning... and maybe that's where part of the loss of joy is coming from. knowing that in less than a week, i'm going to be an outsider looking in to do a job with music i can appreciate, but that i'm not really into. maybe i can find a way to numb myself just for a week and then go back to caring. we'll see.

learn to love the ways you are, beautiful and broken heart... thank you lovedrug for being a constant and beautiful inspiration. your music has and will always be a mix of my own life and emotions put into an art form.

Some proof that every now and then i do dress up and enjoy it! :) had a great time celebrating with Ashley and Joe and their family and friends today!

pandamoranda...

yep, back to lovedrug inspired titles to my blog! haha.

is it weird to think that one person, in so many aspects still yet a stranger, can bring so much joy into another's life? can that same person make the other want to be a better, more sensitive person?

i've been amazed recently by how true this can be. at a time when i was falling back into something so comfortable, yet volatile to my own emotions, it seems that God has brought me a glow of moonlight. :) this beautiful person has brought such a joy to my heart that i find it hard not to smile and stay positive. interesting, to say the least. for a deeply emotional and dark person to find a sense of hope, is refreshing. and while i know this may not last forever, i'll enjoy this person as long as the Lord gives me. :) amazing people are hard to come by these days, so i feel very blessed to have run across one!

i know i depend a lot on my circumstances to bring happiness into my life, but ultimately i do know that God is the source of it all... and at a time when i could be falling back into depression and letting my emotions get to me because of recent circumstances, better ones seem to be trumping the bad.

the chill in the morning air is causing my mind to drift away to autumn... a season that is getting so close and bringing an added joy to my heart as well! the thought of baking things with apples and pumpkins and all that comes with this amazing time of year gets me so excited. and yes, lovedrug will become a daily part of my life for the next 2 1/2 months! but that's not a bad thing at all. and with new music coming from them, i have even more to be happy about.

i hope that as the days continue on and fall draws ever closer, that this joy in my heart will continue to grow along with this friendship... and that all the things i love about this time of year will be magnified!

we will sing to a world reborn...

sometimes it just takes a road trip to put life back into perspective. i had a great time traveling with friends, seeing old friends and meeting new ones... it was perfect, but way too short.

now i find myself back at camp and trying to balance camp life with the dreams that are floating around in my head... so many thoughts of creativity have erupted in my brain as of late. the hardest part is putting it all on paper to make sense of patterns.

i also learned some things about myself and my friends and i feel that many things even there have been put into perspective and settled in my mind. crazy how a few extra days can do that.

i think i'm already planning a trip to texas for the fall? or next spring. depends on when my table gets done ;) but it should be a great time and i can't wait. seriously, this table hasn't even been made yet, but knowing that i'm going to get a mpk original makes me super excited!!

i really am happy as of this moment. life is good and i know pray that friendships that were started could continue to grow and flourish. maybe oh sleeper will be like the new underoath in my life? maybe. i suppose no one will quite fill those shoes, but it is a great feeling to know that new connections are being made that help me continue to support bands in the scene. :) that was such a big part of my life, and is a part of my life that i still hold a passion for. not just the music and the bands, but the kids that relate to the hardcore/metal family. every time i go to show i am drawn back in, and each time i tell myself, this time i'm going to stay more involved. well... maybe its time for me to live up to that. maybe this new connection with oh sleeper is a way to not only support a band i love, but a scene that was once so dear to my heart. its true that you can never get it out of your blood. and maybe that's not such a bad thing...

pure imagination...

when i got home from work last night, i found a package waiting for me on the kitchen table... i knew right away what it was and got super excited! it was my cover cd from LOVEDRUG. Love these boys and their music! but that is nothing new to anyone who may actually read this blog. haha.

and speaking of lovedrug. this weekend i had made plans to hang out with a couple of my friends, so i posted something about what we were doing on twitter and facebook, and to my surprise, received a comment from j.m. gifford!! it was about the movie super 8. so i asked him if it was worth seeing in imax, to which he replied, "i totally would." it was because of that comment that i chose to pay the extra couple bucks and see it on imax and boy was i glad i did!! not only was this a great movie and probably my favorite of the summer, but seeing it in imax was the best and so was seeing the trailer for the final harry potter movie... i'm seeing that one on imax too. :)

we are the new breed...

ok, been listening to oh, sleeper all week. :) its one of the few things keeping me sane as we come to a close on our first week of camp. that and knowing that on saturday i get to hang out with mantel and jrose and finally see super 8!!

i was reflecting last night on my drive home from camp how different things can be only one year later. last summer was all about me and what i wanted camp to be, i was very selfish and realize now how my actions affected more than just me... this summer everything is different. we have a great group of summer staff, and i'm finding much joy in getting to know them. i'm also excited to have one of my dear friends here for fishing camp. its amazing to see how God will allow us to have the desires of our heart even if He knows its not what's best for us... and then teach us through the process that those desires we had, when not centered around God first, can be destructive.

the enemy is crafty, and he knows how to strike at our weaknesses, but allowing yourself to see that and move past it and claim the promises of God in our lives, brings such freedom. i'm finding that what i once thought was so fun, actually was killing me on the inside... the pain of breaking away from sin can sometimes feel unbearable, but i can honestly say that it holds no joy for me anymore, and i would rather have friendships built on trust and purity than the sin that can so easily ensnare us.

its been a long road to surrender and finally let God have control of this area in my life, and now i just wish i would have been able to do this a bit sooner. i'm so thankful to have had some amazing men of God in my life this past year that have helped me see that following God is so much more rewarding than the temperamental pleasures of sin.

some of my friendships were hollow and void of life because i built them on false hope. all the attention in the world was never going to be enough to satisfy me because those friendships were void of God... now my friendships are healthy and fulfilling because God is at the center of them. its sooooo refreshing!

a life lived souled out to God is still the best life worth living. i'm glad He is helping me rediscover that and in the midst blessing me with friends that help keep me accountable. :)

as i sit and look at the summer before me i am super excited for the new friendships being formed and for all the cool ways that God is at work!

i'm looking forward to seeing oh sleeper and emery and hopefully underoath this summer. i could use a few good shows and seeing some old friends to keep my spirits high and to keep me from burn out. :)

i can sense another blog post coming on about music... but still want to formulate some of those thoughts first.

until then, please check out oh, sleeper!!

we were owls

so a couple of days ago i received my lovedrug sweatshirt! very excited to finally have it, although the weather has been a bit warm for sweatshirts lately...

my theme for this summer is going to be balance. after working way too many hours last year, i've decided i need to take better care of myself and to protect from burnout. so far, so good. but our first summer camp has not yet started...

i'm really enjoying having all of our summer staff here and the life that each one of them adds to this camp! i love hearing their stories and seeing them having fun! Its going to be a great summer!

today, i weighed myself. haven't done that in about a week or so. and to my surprise, i had lost 5 lbs. in order to try and be healthier, my sister and i have taken to walking 4 miles 3 to 4 days a week. all this mixed with a diet low in fat and full of veggies has brought me to a weight that i have not experienced since junior high. its so nice to buy clothes that are half the size i once was and to feel healthy and happy. its not always easy to start, but the result is well worth the effort in the end. :)

todays blog is going to be a bit random, but that's how my mind works, so i suppose its fine for me and the few people who read this. haha.

plus i'm listening to the pirates of the caribbean soundtract (curse of the black pearl) and realizing that if i had to pick a soundtrack for my life it would be this. a little dark and mysterious and full of adventure!

over the past 4 weekends i've seen 3 movies. thor, pirates on stranger tides, and most recently, X-men first class. so far they have all been great summer fun, and i'm still looking forward to many more to come. most notably, super 8, harry potter and winnie the pooh.

a life lived with no regrets is the best and only way to live life. i'm learning that again this summer. to put the past hurts and pains behind me and just to enjoy each moment as it is given and if in the end i am left with a void, at least i have some great memories to remember. plus i think when you know change is coming to a friendship it makes it easier to prepare for. and its not that the friendship is gone, just that it moves on to new chapters that can be exciting for all.

right now my mind is being distracted by fall family day and thinking about the awesome time of year that comes each october! best time of year by far! and i'm planning some new things for this year to help it be just a little bit different and better than the year before.

i think i have an obsession with recipes and cooking. haha. it makes me happy to cook for others, and one day it will make me happy to cook for a family of my own :)

whats left of me is yours to keep...

first day back to work after a wonderful 5 day weekend and quickly i'm reminded why i don't like to take time off. i just keep reminding myself to breathe. my music of choice has been blessthefall and underoath.

the day is starting to get better, however, mostly because i was catching myself up on twitter feeds and saw one that made my heart smile... it was like God knew i needed that tiny bit of cheering up, even if it didn't come the way i was expecting.
God has blessed me with a pretty amazing friend. :)

and its really hard to stay in a bad mood when i'm listening to underoath. they too make my heart smile :)

it seemed that i had so much more to say when i arrived at work this morning and now... my mind isn't processing those thoughts into a writable form, which is probably for the best. its going to be a very busy week.

ghost by your side...

this morning i awoke from a dream only to wish that i was still dreaming it, and as i drove myself to work, listening to Thursday's newest album No Devolusion, and being surrounded by the stormy looking skies, it felt as though i was still dreaming - driving on a road that had no ending... only when my car reached the camp, reality sunk in and here i am wishing i could get back to that moment... that feeling of freedom.

i suppose maybe i hadn't dreamed i took a road trip to cali, then maybe i wouldn't be in this mood of escape to an unknown destination.

getting to work didn't make my day any less weird... i've been putting off dealing with something that i'm eventually going to have to face.

and i've been reminded of old friends and how much fun they had brought to my life at one time and hoping that things can change to make them more a part of my everyday life again. :)

i'm realizing that sometimes my lack of friends isn't because people don't want to be, but because i often push them away... or don't put the effort into keeping in touch. i admit, i've been pretty bad at this over the past few years, and i'm hoping to get better at it. its time to stop letting past hurts keep me from living the life that God has called me to live. its time to lay the past to rest and focus on the amazing life that i've truly been given. life is too short to let the past keep us from enjoying it. i think sometimes we live with the pain, because its something familiar, something we understand, even if we don't like it. we are afraid to venture into the future, because its an unknown world that may hurt us and break our hearts again... over the past month or so, i've learned to embrace the unknown. i think that's a part of what my dream and the feeling i had were about as i drove to work this morning. there is a longing in my heart for the unknown and i'm finally ready to follow that road and stop looking back. its such a freeing time in my life right now!

as i get ready to head into another summer, i hold no expectations, no pre-made thoughts of how it should be, so that i can enjoy each moment for what it is, rather than dwell on disappointment because its not what i had hoped for.

anyway, that is my rant for today... i'm still feeling very much in a dream like state... almost like my spirit is still following that road even though my body is sitting at my desk typing this. maybe when i dream tonight my spirit will tell me where its been. haha. (i'd like to think that God could take us on trips through the spirit realm while our bodies stay fixed in the world we see around us)

in red

so this weekend i was planning to go and see a couple of movies, however my plans changed when i learned that i could wait and go see those movies with a friend. :)

so what did i do with my day instead? i went shopping and decided that i would make my mom some fat-free vegan brownies for mother's day.

i would say that over the past 5 or 6 years of being a vegetarian, i've started to learn how to really be more healthy in my eating habits. the one thing i never really liked about a lot of the vegan recipes i'd find is that they just replaced the butter with a vegan oil. this to me seemed to defeat the purpose and i saw no real added value in it, until recently that is. i stumbled onto a fat-free vegan blog and thought, this is what i've been looking for! these recipes don't just replace fat for fat, they eliminate most of it completely!

all this to say that as i find more ways to eat healthy as a vegan, i could try it again. i find that when it comes to food, i'm able to make changes and stick with them pretty easily. for instance, because of my little trip to the er this past december, i no longer drink caffeine. this was a huge step for me, as i loved coffee! but when being healthy can be a strong motivating factor.

about 2 weeks ago, i began to feel a change. i contribute this to God working at healing both mind and body, and that my body is finally adjusting to life without caffeine. i have more energy than i have in a long time and i'm feeling great!

anyway, the brownies. i've always wondered about using tofu in baking, and this recipe gave me the perfect time to try it. the brownies turned out very fudge like and moist. and for being a fat free brownie, i know that it would satisfy the craving. i mean there is still no substitute for the real thing, but i could be happy with this change. i attempted to use the leftover tofu to make a frosting to drizzle over the brownies, but it ended up more like pudding. so now i'm just eating that with a spoon.

one of the biggest changes to my diet lately is trying to cut out many of the processed food and sugars that we all seem to consume way too much of. and it helps because my sister is starting to think (and eat) more like me too, so we can share recipes and such.

with summer approaching, i'm excited to try an array of recipes that focus on veggies grown in our own garden. there is nothing like a fresh tomato, corn, peas or zucchini...

last summer i remember thinking i was going to try a raw vegan diet, but this summer i think i'm just going to try more of a fat-free vegan diet. this could get tricky at work, but i think it will be well worth the effort. and someday i hope that i can pass along these new found eating habits to a family of my own. it really does make me excited to cook for other people.

next on my list will be some banana cookies... and i think i will pull out that chocolate peanut butter pie for my dad on fathers day.

happy apple poison

last night i had the weirdest dream... i was a part of the scream 4 movie, but as i was running from the one trying to get me, i noticed that i became one of the people watching the movie as well, and decided to walk out because i didn't like the movie... well trying to leave the movie was another story because once i got outside there was a man who stopped me from getting into my car and the only thing i could do to get away was to run back into the theater. but by this time the theater was over run by zombies and it was all any one could do to stay away from them... i was awoken by my alarm somewhere in the middle of trying to get away.

seems that my dreams are becoming more theatrical again, instead of just me hanging out with people. i've hung out with some interesting people in my dreams lately too.. james franco, for one. haha. and that was before i watched the movie 127 hours, which by the way was a brutally great movie. there were parts that i just couldn't watch, but the artistry and the way they told the story were in my opinion brilliant.

i'm thinking it would be kinda fun to keep a dream journal, just to see how crazy the worlds are in which i escape to when my body is sleeping...

i'm listening to beach house and it seems kind of perfect for this gloomy rainy day, which makes me happy today. i do like a good rainy day, and right now it seems to reflect the mood in my heart. and not that that is a bad thing, i'm not depressed or anything like that, just appreciating the grey clouds and rain. and hopefully there will be a thunderstorm or two thrown into the mix.

my thoughts and prayers are with all of those who have been caught in the path of all these storms and destruction. maybe we are closer to the end that i would like to believe...

so much to do this week as we prepare for kick-off... but its nice to get away from my computer now and then. its like preparing for a big party! and i suppose in a way that is true because we are celebrating 100 years at Bay Shore.

head down...

more than half-way through the month of april and its still snowing. a part of me is beginning to think that spring and summer are never going to arrive. its kind of a depressing thought, but i'm finding it hard to believe otherwise. i suppose this is where having a little faith in God and the changing of the seasons comes in.

i've been noticing my dreams again lately. the other night i even remember dreaming within my dreams. its been awhile since that happened. and i'm sure it was sparked by seeing that it was nicky alice's birthday, and being reminded of him... but i think part of it is just sparked from my curiosity of dreams. what if our dreams were really windows into a spirit world parallel to us that we can only visit when we are asleep. to me it kind of melds the thoughts of a parallel universe in which we all have doubles and the spiritual realm all around us. (yes, fringe is to thank for some of these thoughts)

i'm sure our dreams are just the bi-products of our imaginations and the capacity of our mind to create new worlds in which time, space and gravity seem to hold no sway. but ever since my dad told me about a book he read, i've been intrigued by thoughts about what our dreams really are.

i find that when i miss my friends i often dream about hanging out with them. these are the dreams that seem so real, i have to remind myself they never happened when i wake up.

sometimes i wonder how to account for the people in my dreams that i've never seen before. do we make them up in our mind by combining elements of those we have seen, or do we really see other people we have just not met yet.

i'm not really sure why my mind is thinking all of these thoughts lately. haha.

listening to more lovedrug today. i really can't wait until i can hear the finished product of their cd! and i hear they are releasing a cover album too! so awesome. can't wait for that one either.

two more days of work this week and then a 4 day weekend! i am so looking forward to this. getting to play the easter bunny is always fun, however, if the weather doesn't warm up a bit, its going to be a cold egg hunt.

thieving

grey skies all around. looks like more rain. our first thunderstorms of the season came last night around 3am. definitely woke me up... i get excited over storms. its beautiful to watch nature at work, even when it can be destructive.

hopefully this will be a turning point for spring!

i am almost finished with harry potter and the goblet of fire. and then i can check one more book off my list from two summers ago. i know, i'm such a slow reader, but i started the list the summer i did not live at camp, then last summer there was no time for anything like that - i barely even watched movies... this summer however, i plan to spend a bit more time away from camp when i'm not working and thus, read more books while enjoying beautiful summer sunshine and warm breezes!

strange heart

i killed a bird with my car on the way to work today... and 4 more came close to the same fate. i've had many near misses, but this is the first one in a long time that actually couldn't get out of the way. i'm not sure what it is about my car, or the way i drive that seems to attract birds to be daring and fly out in front of me, but they do... the one difference i noticed today though, was my reaction. usually, it doesn't bother me, but today it did. and then it made me think of how we kill animals just for our own eating pleasure and it made me a bit sad... not only that i had killed the bird, but that so many animals die because we don't care.

i've been a vegetarian for around 10 years or so... and i don't have any problems with people who eat meat, its just for me over the course of not eating meat, i've discovered in myself that i would have a hard time eating anything now that was once alive... except for fish. for some reason, i don't think the same about fish. haha.

its been interesting to see how my mind set changes. and i would still say that i'm a veg because its a much healthier way to eat, and not because of animal rights or anything like that.

i do enjoy the challenge of creating healthier desserts and meals. this weekend i will make some more cookies - hopefully trying another new recipe.

i think i will also enjoy a nice weekend baking, reading my harry potter book, doing some shopping and treating myself to the new jake gyllenhaal movie, source code. and of course, watching amazing race with my family on sunday.

im finding that there is a lot on my mind lately... i should journal it out, but i just can't bring myself to write about it, in any form. maybe this weekend.

i suppose, i just need to let go and place it all in God's hands and not worry so much about what i should or shouldn't have done differently. we can't go back and change the past, the trouble i sometimes have is letting go and moving on. there are sooo many things to be thankful for in my life right now. great friends, great family and a great job.

i took a walk around the camp this morning placing brochures in our buildings and its getting me excited for this summer! especially baseball/softball camp!

i'm glad its the weekend. and i can't wait to put up our screen tent and to plant our garden (two things i missed out on last summer)

spiders...

today is going to be a long day... work will not end for me until around 10pm. thankfully its the end of the week. and hopefully this weekend i'll get to hang out with friends.

on my drive to work this morning i was noticing how the clouds were thick and heavy over most of the sky, except in one small spot, that was oddly enough shaped like an eye. the sun was bright and direct as it came through the clouds and looked like a fiery eye. its rays piercing through like that of a gaze you cannot break free from.

then the eye seemed to close and i was left with the feeling of being in a room with a dimly lit light on a ceiling. it was quite cool to experience how the clouds could form such a barrier like a wall or a box with the only light coming from the top... usually in the morning the sun is rising in a horizontal fashion that blinds you as you drive... but not this morning.

then i get to work and no one is parked where they usually are... so not knowing what is going on, i join them up at the front of the office. i guess it was because of a tree being trimmed.

so the start to this day has been and interesting one to say the least.

miss california

beginning my day with soundtracks from the harry potter movies...

today i am trying to fishing what i began creating yesterday in flash. i'm no artist by any means, but i feel that learning about animations in flash and how to utilize them for our website will be a good thing! I just wish all this website stuff would come naturally instead of being like learning a foreign language. i suppose that which tests us only makes us stronger in the end...

lunch times have been so nice and peaceful lately. its just me and a book. right now that book is harry potter and the goblet of fire. (probably why i am so into listening to the soundtracks too) its just a great escape for a half and hour to be able to read a chapter and put aside all of my work duties. to find that one time during the day where my focus can be on something other than camp. and i'm finding that it helps me come back to my afternoons more focused.

sometimes i wish i had the ability to understand why people make the decisions they do... or that they would give explanations and not just the "because i said so" line. i don't mind the decisions if i know the reasoning behind them. i suppose i've always been that way, even as a kid. haha. tell me why and i'm much happier to do it.

the snow is slowly melting and the birds are such a nice sound to hear in the mornings. it looks like spring outside, but the temperatures just aren't quite there yet..

yesterday i received my book of art by tim burton! its been a long time since i got that excited over a book! haha. but its great. and sometimes i think that its what people say about tim in the book that makes it truly wonderful. yes, the art is awesome... but its the man behind the art that makes it what it is. this has sparked me to a tim burton movie marathon, starting back with beetle juice. i noticed i am missing a few movies, so i'll have to work on that, but i was quite pleased to learn that i had most of them.

sweeny todd still stands as one of my favorites. from the music to the costumes and imagery, to the great actors that played the parts so well... its one of the great examples of the collaboration of tim burton and johnny depp. (in my opinion)

pink champagne

i can't believe that march is almost over. time is flying by sooo fast. and while, yes, i want nice warm spring weather, i also want time to go slowly. there are so many good things happening in life right now that i just want each day to take its sweet old time so i can truly appreciate all of it.

the tracker on my fed ex package says that tomorrow my Tim Burton book should be arriving to my house! i am soooo excited for this book. Tim Burton has a way of creating images in a way that i just relate to. dark, beautiful, and weird. He has a brilliant mind for art. sometimes i wonder what would happen if you put lovedrug to work doing music for one of his movies. i would love it! haha.

i love getting updates from lovedrug while they are in the studio. :)

this weekend i went shopping. its hard to look forward to spring when you don't have any clothes that really fit you anymore. haha. and i find that if you pray before you shop, you get better results. haha!

saturday was such a perfect day. the sun was shining, i was having a good day shopping, yellowcard was playing as my soundtrack and it just felt like spring, even if the temperatures weren't quite following suit. one of the best parts about my day was running into my cousin at old navy. it had been over a year since we last saw each other, and yet, it seemed like time had stood still in some aspects. i love my cousin dearly and seeing him so soo good for my soul! put a smile on my face and reassured me that all was ok!

we even got on the topic of lovedrug and their campaign to raise funds for the studio. he is a musician as well, so it was great to be able to share with him about supporting my favorite band... and i think gave him some ideas for putting out a cd of his own! which would be amazing and is something i think he should have done a long time ago. haha.

the only part of my weekend that made me sad was finding out mantel was sick.

oh and did i mention it was a great weekend for college basketball! the games were so good. and i loved seeing an 11 seed beat a number 1 seed. what a great game. i like to see the teams that no one expects to do much, win their games and continue advance.

here's to staying positive this week, to getting lots of work done, to learning new things and to spending time with family and friends!

pretend you're alive

the sun has finally decided to show its face, for what looks like a pretty good ending to a morning full of snow.

i enjoyed a nice snow day yesterday and received notice that my book of art by tim burton had been shipped. unfortunately i won't get it until next week... i am super excited about this book. deb once got me the illustrated book for a nightmare before christmas, which had tim burton's artwork/sketches for the movie in it. it was such a perfect gift! so this year, after getting my tax refund, i decided to treat myself to a full collection of his art. i'm a big fan!

i'm also excited to be getting updates from the studio as LOVEDRUG records their new cd. it makes me so happy to know that they are able to continue to make music and follow their passions! i'm sure this cd will be one of their best!

today i'm working on designing a website for camp. yes, we do already have one, but for me, maintaining the existing site, is just the beginning. this of course means learning how to make a website from scratch, but i suppose i'm up to that challenge right now.
step one: defining a site - check.
step two: picking a color scheme - check.
step three: ??? still working on that one. haha.

dancing...

last night i fell asleep to the sound of rain and this morning i awoke to the sound of birds singing. sure signs that spring is here... unfortunately, the warm weather has not yet taken over from the freezing temps. soon. i'm ready for driving with the windows down!

i spent all day saturday in flint. it was a great time. coldstone, the boondock saints/all saints day, power outages, an attempt at some irish food, and just being in the company of good friends.

sometimes i wish i was easy to say the things that are on my heart... but when the good things you want to say to encourage a friend also mean opening yourself up to some pain, it becomes more difficult. i find that my mind just wants to go blank and not even process the words to say. i'm afraid that this is leading to a block in my friendship. all i want to do is open up and say what a blessing this friendship has been to me, but i just can't get the words out...

i'm beginning to work through my reading list that JRose gave me two summer's ago. it seems that reading books is a habit i would like to get back into. i suppose if i replaced some of my tv watching with reading i would get a lot further with that list. it is pretty sad that its been 2 years and i haven't made it through even half of the list. i actually missed my lazy sunday afternoons when i would sit outside and read... i think i need to make sure that happens again this year! which i suppose will be somewhat easy seeing as how i'm not planning to live all summer at the camp.

its going to be a very different time this summer. i am going to be better about the amount of hours i'm putting in and since my friends won't be at camp this year, i'll be wanting to still spend time in flint...

for as much as i want summer to come, i want time to pass slowly so that i can cherish each moment i have with mantel and jrose. it seems that time goes so quickly these days, that i don't want to wish anything away... not even to get to warmer weather. haha.

i need to go to ikea soon to pick up items for kick-off. that will be fun! i remember going shopping there last spring, only that trip was to shop for items to decorate up my cabin. boy is it weird to think of how much my life has changed since then. last year i was helping to plan our first and only project festival and dreaming about my cabin and how fun summer was going to be...

this year all i can think about is keeping up with work and hanging out in flint haha!

but in the midst of all the changes, God is good and i am so thankful and blessed.

blow up a rainbow...

...seems kind of fitting of a week of st patty's day fun! and it seems that i have started a trend with my blog to only use titles or lyrics from lovedrug's songs... so can't stop now. haha.

i'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend of family and friends. its amazing to look back at only a few months ago and see how differently i thought this year would be and how happy i am that God had other plans.

letting go is not always an easy thing to do... and being hurt is never fun. but God has shown me that i'm a lot stronger than i ever thought i could be.

this winter has been one of joy and hope and much thankfulness. and i am excited about all that spring has to bring.

when life doesn't seem to make sense, start to be thankful for the little things that God brings into your life daily and i bet it will start to make a difference.

we were owls...

Happy St. Patty's Day!

So excited for this holiday. its one of my favorites. and unfortunately it lands on a thursday so my celebrating has gotten moved to saturday... which isn't all bad, because it means that i can hang out all day with some great friends, watch the boondock saints movies and cook/eat irish food!

i'm also looking forward to making shamrock cookies (hopefully with my niece and sister) and having a snow free weekend!

after driving home from seeing the get up kids in detroit last thursday i've been completely over and done with snow.

its so nice to hear the birds outside my window and to know that spring is finally taking hold here in michigan.

---------------------------

and shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for Thee.
power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
so we shall flow a river forth to Thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be
in nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti

---------------------------

everything starts where it ends...

March 1...
I am ready for spring. something about the fact that the calendar now tells us its march should automatically bring warmer weather. haha. but living in michigan, we all know that the snow will not yield so quickly.

i had a great weekend, despite not feeling well. after work on saturday i met up with josh and taylor and had a great time hanging out! Seeing HTD was great and i already feel a slight sadness in my heart. 10 years of music and friendship. wow. it was good to be reminded that friendship doesn't end with the music...


i do think whatever sickness was zapping my energy and keeping me from breathing easy is finally passing. and for that i am very thankful!

i am very much looking forward to seeing rango soon and celebrating st. patty's day!

learn to love the ways you are beautiful and broken heart...

so my other journal has been getting a lot of my thoughts lately because they are private thoughts for now...

i've been feeling quite sick for the past couple of days, but getting outside on this beautiful day has been a true blessing! i even have my window open just a crack so that i can get some of the fresh air into this awfully stuffy office building.

tonight i'm going to attempt to make vegan banana peanut butter bread with chocolate chips. i'm pretty excited about this recipe and i hope it turns out as amazing as it sounds.

i've also been looking for some good veggie irish recipes... my mind is already thinking ahead to st. patty's day and what i'm going to make for food when i hang out with mantel (and hopefully jrose)

its been a good day! oh and i found the coolest gloves for halloween!!! totally making them this year.

borrowed legs...

driving to work this morning i was greeted by the words "think spring" on a community bulletin board and it put a smile on my face. this, after being snowed in from work for yet another day this month. old man winter, your tactics are getting tiresome. i know you still have time left on the calendar, but could you please be nice and let spring come a little early this year??

you can talk to me....

just got the word that 30 seconds to mars is playing in detroit in april! (thank you dylan for the heads up) that news made my day! :) its funny too, because on saturday night chris was asking me when the last time was i went to a show that i actually paid money to see. (aka: a show other than ones my friends were playing) i told him, when i went to see lovedrug... and that show was amazing. i would even drive to nashville for their show on the 26th if i didn't have to be at work that day...

i am loving the sunshine and warm temps today. if only they would last and winter would give way to spring. but no, they will struggle now for the next month or so, going back and forth until finally at long last, spring wins out.

i find that ever since i put a lovedrug player on my blog, that i find more reasons to go to my blog each day... i hope others are doing the same.

i can't wait to be done with work for the day so that i can go home, eat dinner and enjoy another piece of my latest baking creation: chocolate (almost) vegan pie. it was so good my dad even mentioned that i should make one for our spaghetti supper at church or enter it in the auction pie contest... this means that he really liked it. i've made a note of it, so that i can pull it out for his birthday or father's day or something like that. :) it always makes me happy when my parents eat my vegan desserts and truly like them.

so my second favorite holiday is coming up soon: St. Patrick's Day and i've already begun buying fun items to wear for the day to spread a little green and irish love.

plans are in the works for a boondock saints movie day with mantel. that will be one amazing day! i'll have to think up a fun way to test out a new vegan dessert and make it green to add to our celebrations! haha.

today has been a good day. talking with dylan was great, and he's giving me some music choices to listen to :) perfect. i love getting options from people who share a similar taste in music, you know whatever they tell you will be good.

today i'm thankful for sunshine, warm temps, good friends and family, and good music ;)

is it gonna be an endless day? or just another one i'm wishing away....

this morning was the first morning since winter began that i awoke to the sun rising! this made me happy, because the days are getting longer and spring is coming, of course it will probably only last until we have to reset our clocks, but i'll take it! its so much easier to get up in the morning when the sun greets you with a beautiful shade of greys, purples and reds... i'm usually one for sunsets, but sunrises can be just as amazing.

last night i decided to try and make a vegan chocolate pie... it turned out amazing!! and the only part that wasn't quite vegan, was my chocolate chips... but i'm not going to get too picky over that. it will be dessert tonight! and be added to my list of successes in vegan baking/desserts. my list is getting pretty long. i like that. after all, there have been many failed attempts over the years as well.

when i lived in chicago, i always dreamed of having a coffee shop that sold vegan baked goods, and now living in michigan with only my family and friends to share my treats with, i'm learning the art of vegan baking. its a bit ironic, but maybe one day i will get to put these skills to use in a different way. that would be fun. for now i'll just continue my baking adventures.

must keep some dreams alive, even if they look impossible to come true. that's part of what makes me who i am. i've always been able to believe God for the impossible...

i'm in the mood to watch tim burton movies...

ghost by your side...

this is the first valentine's day in a long time that im actually am not sad about celebrating. probably because i got to make cookies for my friends and hang out and spend an amazing weekend with them... it was a perfect weekend in so many ways.

i suppose its because a part of me learned that life is too short to be so centered on myself and what i do or don't have. life is much more enjoyable when you are blessing others. and i think that is what's making the difference in me this year. i did things for other people. celebrating friends can be just as nice as celebrating a boyfriend/relationship.

tonight i'm going to make a chocolate pie for my family! it will be another one of my vegan experiments in cooking, but i'm excited to try it. the joy that is found in cooking is definitely when others get to enjoy your hard work!

my valentine's day song for the day is the title of this post by Lovedrug. and speaking of Lovedrug, like i do in so many of my posts, i just added their songs to my blog, so now everyone can enjoy listening to them!

its hard to believe that the snow is melting, makes me feel a touch of spring in the air! i'll take the rain any day over snow... but i have a feeling this year i just might have to invest in a pair of boots to save my shoes from the mud.

oh, and i just read about radiohead releasing a new cd on the 19th! best news of my day so far.

lets start again...

cookies turned out well... but I found that since I had been doing so much vegan baking that I was lacking a few things to make normal sugar cookies. thankfully my sis came to the rescue! its been a good night so far. plans have been made for tomorrow and I'm excited for all the days possibilities :-)

I still have lovedrug songs from their EP part III stuck in my head. I listen to it at least twice a day! my favorite song off of it so far is blow up a rainbow. it makes me long for a warm breeze on a summer day... and being able to dance barefoot on the soft green grass.

fringe, friends, music and thai food....

these are things i hope my weekend will consist of! I have been very blessed lately with some amazing friends... its so refreshing at times to be reminded of what that's like. and that's not to say that i don't have other amazing friends, just that right now life is centering around a few people. The funniest part about it too, is that they are not from michigan originally. we all have ties to chicago... I wonder if there is something to that?? anyway, i'm happy and life is good right now. its not anything like i imagined it would be this year, but, where i thought i would be disappointed about that, i'm actually genuinely happy. stepping back from situations always help you see them for what they really were and not what you had dreamed them up to be. reality hurts, but at times is necessary for balance in our lives.

tonight i am simply looking forward to some baking, a new episode of Fringe, and a good nights sleep. tomorrow i'm looking forward to hanging out with some amazing people and hearing some amazing music!! getting to take jrose and mantel with me to see underoath and meet chris makes me very happy! i love it when i can share those kinds of memories with friends. and who's excited to hear thursday play full collapse in its entirety live??? ME!! it will bring back old memories of chicago days, which makes me even more excited to share the experience with friends with chicago ties that go back to those days!

sunday i look forward to sleeping in and family time. i am a bit sad that there won't be any football to watch, but i suppose i can find something else to do instead....

today at work has even been good. i learned something new about the website, created some hot spots and am seeing that it might not be as scary as i thought. its still going to be a lot to learn, but i'm hopeful that i can do it.

now its time to head home and get this weekend started!
love to all!!

blow up a rainbow...

i love that the sun has been shining all week. its amazing that even though it is freezing outside the sun gives you that sense that it is still warm... at least until you walk out the door and have to wait for a freezing car to warm up, which thankfully happens pretty fast in my car!

i am definitely ready for spring! this white wonderland is nice, but i'm ready for warm breezes and green grass and being barefoot.

tear drops in the well....

i think its a rarity in life to find a group of musicians that write music in a way that moves you each time you hear it. this is how i look at the group Lovedrug and is probably the reason that above all other bands they have remained my favorite. I have listen to their music since they first started out, and with each new song/album i grow more in love with their music. i find such a deep and dark beauty in each song from the lyrics to the arrangements. and seeing them live has never been a disappointment. i shut my eyes and allow the music to drift me away into a different place in time. i only wish they lived closer so that i could hear them play live more often...

their music is timeless and its a shame that people may miss out on it. to know me and to be my friend is to know Lovedrug. and the best part? i haven't met anyone yet that hasn't liked them.

i was so happy to take part in their "I am Lovedrug" campaign. to know that i and so many others helped support them so that they could continue to write amazing music is the coolest ever!

there is a passion to their music that allows you to feel the emotion of it whether through the music itself or the lyrics being sung... there is a realness... nothing is sugar coated.... its bare, its raw, its people writing music for the love of music, for the purpose of moving people and inspiring people. when i found out why they named themselves Lovedrug, it made me appreciate them even more. and it keeps me going towards the passions that i hold true in my heart.

to see a band that has gone through so much and yet continues to write amazing music should inspire us all. i think that is why i relate to them... sometimes its ok to speak of the darkness in our souls because out of it can come something beautiful. there is always hope. there is always love. we just have to chose it.

sometimes i feel like if they stopped writing music a part of me would go missing too. hopefully one day they will know how much i love and appreciate their creativity and their music.

if i was stuck on a desert island with only one band that i could listen to for the rest of my days, it would be Lovedrug.

you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world... so why not let em in?

it was a challenge to wake up this morning.... why? because i was having an amazing dream that i did not want to wake up from and face reality. maybe it was just a glimpse of a different kind of happiness... or maybe it was just a good way to end a pretty amazing weekend. life has taken very drastic turns in the past couple of months concerning my friends. those that i thought would always be there have moved on and others that i wasn't expecting have filled in the voids. but i'm happy with the way things are turning out. i'm learning what true friendship looks like and its a beautiful thing that i wouldn't trade for the world. its amazing how friendships i once thought meant so much have fizzled to nothing more than a memory, and interestingly enough, its at those times when you realize that even as deep as the friendship once went, it was still very surface level - someone more interesting comes along and you are left alone. i suppose that is what is so great about the people that are filling my life right now outside of my family. they are people who care.

that's what my dream reflected last night. it reflected that building of friendships with people who care to get to know you and be a part of your life. i'm tired of feeling used by people who are supposed to be your friend.

so its time to let go of some friendships and move on and be true to myself and the people that are important to me. which the older i get the smaller that number becomes, but thats ok too.
friends come and go. i used to be good at handling that wave as it came and out, and i'm learning to not be sad anymore when it leaves... rolling back out to sea to find a life away from mine. i still believe that all things have a purpose behind them, and i'm trying hard to take the pain with the joy and to push on to all that this life still holds in store for me. i'm excited about the future, and the adventures i am yet to have. maybe one day i'll look back on some of the pain and see how it actually helped to free me from my past.

just because people don't show emotion that often does not mean they can't break. thankfully i'm a lot stronger than i ever dreamed and have picked up pieces and glued myself back together. not sure that i'm going to be too quick to let friends/people break me again, so if you're in, thanks for being one of the people to show they care.

i'm still looking for my next adventure. you know how much a pirate needs a good adventure now and then! haha. i really want to go to nashville for a bit and to visit the world of harry potter at universal in florida. maybe its time i started planning a road trip adventure. i think i'm in desperate need of one. who knows maybe if i get to nashville i'll run into the one that inspired this post by being in my dream last night...

all this to say that life is about love. maybe we should stop being so selfish and learn to show a little more love to the people in the world around us.