the monster

why do i feel like my life is always on repeat? just once i would like a different outcome. yeah, i'm glad for the lessons learned and the people that come and go, but do i always keep having to relive the same scenarios? or can i finally get it and move on?
i'm tired. i'm tired of trying, tired of caring. tired of hoping for once that there is a different end result... its like why even try?
live life with no regrets. i hear that in my head, and i want to always live by that rule, but what happens when you live in the moment and continuously get hurt? eventually you shut down to try and protect yourself. i'm getting back to that shut down point. i was actually doing really well, but this morning i woke up and just felt like all the joy that had been building over the last couple of weeks had been sucked out like a candle flame being snuffed out... eventually there isn't going to be much of me left to break, so if its going to happen, i pray its quick and as painless as possible. trouble is when its painless, its often because i numb myself to the world around me... and then the pain just comes out later. i think i'm getting good at delaying emotion, but i suppose its not real healthy to do.

i wish i could drive to the ocean. sit on the beach. journal out all my thoughts and prayers. and find peace. God and i often had many heart to hearts on the shoreline.

next week is going to be hard on me. i don't know that i'm ready to handle it all, especially with the way i woke up feeling this morning... and maybe that's where part of the loss of joy is coming from. knowing that in less than a week, i'm going to be an outsider looking in to do a job with music i can appreciate, but that i'm not really into. maybe i can find a way to numb myself just for a week and then go back to caring. we'll see.

learn to love the ways you are, beautiful and broken heart... thank you lovedrug for being a constant and beautiful inspiration. your music has and will always be a mix of my own life and emotions put into an art form.