we fall like stars...

the sun is shining bright, i made a new summer mix cd and i'm looking forward to a great week. how it will end, who knows, but i am sure it will be good, whether i end up alone or with people.

i'm learning about myself that i am very quick to build my life around friendships which seem to result in unfair expectations. maybe i really don't know how to have a healthy friendship. i've got a couple of them, but outside of that?

so, i'm learning to just go with the flow, to trust God at every turn, to do things that I want to do without needing someone to do them with. that's how its always been for me anyway, so i don't know why its such a big deal to me to have a friend to do things with now.... maybe i am meant to be alone. i don't want to think that way, but i can't deny that it feels that way at times.

i don't always understand why God keeps me wandering alone, but i can't question Him on it any more because I know that He sees a bigger picture. that there is a purpose and plan in my wandering, i just haven't been able to see it yet. So, what good does it do me to question God's will for my life, if this is how He has meant for it to be, then I just need to trust that He wants what's best for me, and that one day this path will make some sense. i will travel this life alone for as long as God wishes. for in it I am never truly alone, Yeshua is at my side and for now that is enough. I'm done with trying to figure out what God is doing... I just want to walk along the path and take His hand and go on the adventure of my lifetime... I think I'm ready for that now.

perspective....

i feel like i gained some today. its a good thing and i am feeling that my day is going to end much better than it began. thanks wendy.

sometimes we ask too much of our friends or hold them to standards they are never going to be able to live up to... when that happens we tend to get a head of God. no more, i'm going to take things as they come, i'm going to stop wondering what it all means and i'm going to enjoy the people that God has put in my life. sometimes i spend so much time wondering what things mean, that i loose sight of the blessing that the people are to me.

tonight i choose to see things differently. i am ready to focus on what God needs me to, and all the rest will fall into place as God sees fit. all the pressure off. i like that. it will help me sleep better at night knowing that all i have to do is give up control and be ok with the outcome, even if its not what i want, because then that will mean its God's best and not my own.

i do not understand the future, but i embrace it and i look forward to all that God has planned. now i just hope and pray that i can keep myself at bay so that its God's will going forth and not my own.

concentration....

its not my strong point today. i have been getting work done, but everything just seems to quiet, and because of that i am having a hard time concentrating on anything. i feel like a little kid with A.D.D.... but I can't even distract myself with the internet. there is that silence thing looming over my head again.

today just hasn't been a good day at all. i'm trying to be happy and enjoy the sunshine and all the good things. it started off a great day, but whatever is hitting me, is hitting me hard. like knock-down punch hard. maybe next week is too long to wait to get coffee, maybe if i would have just had a chance to finish telling some of my story to wendy i would feel better.

the enemy is having a great time with me today... but nothing seems to be helping to bring me out of it. anyone i could talk to, doesn't seem to have time or want to.

its just feeling like a very crappy lonely day, and its probably going to last thru the weekend. God, I hate feeling like this. why do relationships have to be so complicated, why is it then when i could use a good friend to talk to, suddenly the ones that were there are gone...

why do i feel like everything good that has happened this past week was all just a dream and this is me waking up from it, to find myself more alone than ever. this is how my heart feels. God, please break thru this darkness in my soul that has set itself so deep within my heart today. I feel like i'm drowning and can't see the surface. i will fight, i will not give into the devil, its just hard when you feel like you're facing the fight alone. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is victorious, and with him, this too shall pass. i know that God wants to know that I'm IN this and won't walk away. if things are hard now, it may get worse, and if i run now, then i'm just giving the devil what he wants. i guess i just never thought that after the weekend my friendship would still be a question in my head. actually it wasn't until yesterday. see, this is what happens when silence takes over your thoughts.

so much for trying to tell a friend the good points... ever since i did that there has been a deafening silence that makes me think i would have been better off keeping my thoughts to myself, even though they were meant to encourage.

live and learn i suppose. i just want to go home and sleep away the rest of the day so that i don't have to deal with my mind anymore. the only trouble is that then i get plagued by the same thoughts in my sleep.

i need a break, but i'd rather have a BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!

wishing i were alone on a deserted island.

maybe if i didn't have to deal with people, my mind could take a rest. i feel better after posting about an hour ago, but its still not fun to feel ignored by a friend.

but you know what, it doesn't matter. today is a new day, and i will just try my best to forget about it and move on with my day and trust that when God means for us to talk again we will. it just sucks waiting. i'm not good with that, which again, is probably why God makes me wait so much.

silence....

the devil works thru this more than i would like to admit. especially when your mind wants to believe that the person that is bringing about the silence does not want to break it...

i don't know that i can take the cycle of a friendship that moves me to the core with each up and down, even when i know that it is ultimately God that made this connection. i guess when things are going well, i forget that i still need God to be in control.

the silence kills me when i don't understand why.

all i know is patterns from before and the silence hasn't always been a good thing. usually it means that every good thing i'm looking forward to collapses... the weird thing is that 1/2 of the good part is still remaining, even through busy schedules. meeting up with jim for coffee to discuss college ministry is going to be great, but the other 1/2 of that day feels like its going to fall thru... i've been told it won't, but even that has not reassured my heart.

i don't know why i let this bug me so much. it really shouldn't be a big deal at all. i should be used to the disappointment, and i cannot be sure that this silence is going to mean something bad, but that's just the thing, when someone doesn't talk to you, all you can come up with are the bad reasons of why.

i am trying so hard to keep God in control of this friendship, but its so hard when you get glimpses of how good something can be, and then it all fades back into the distance where it has sat for so long.

God, my heart is not strong enough for this, at least it doesn't feel like it is.

i wanna be where your heart is home...

she and him has been on repeat for most of my afternoon. i wasn't sure if i really liked volume 2, but after today, i feel differently. i'm glad i had it to listen to.

the sun is so deceitful today! it shines bright but offers no warmth. i really hope that i can figure out where i'm staying this summer and soon. i'm going to take a shopping trip to ikea on saturday and it would be nice to know whether or not to pick up this cute little table set. i suppose it could be useful either way.

there is so much in my mind that i wish i could blog about, but God has not released me to share much with the world around me. hopefully soon?!

God has to know that I don't deal well with waiting, which is probably why I'm being made to wait to see how the next few months of my life are going to play out. Gotta wait to find out where i'll get to stay this summer, gotta wait to see what happens in flint... gotta wait on matters of my heart... the weirdest part is that i only feel impatient about one, and that's finding out where i can call my home this summer at the camp. and i suppose that's not really that big of a deal, i just want to start cleaning and decorating. its almost may and i don't want to have to do it all right before camp starts. especially since friends will be a big part of my summer this year. i'm excited about that!!

i am so glad it is thursday night and that i can escape my thoughts for 2 hours and enjoy Bones and Fringe! Oh man, Peter is gonna find out he's from the other side! its almost 4:30 and that means the end of another day. And I am ready for it to be done. my mind is exhausted. tomorrow i've got two brochures to work on (one to finish) and an ad to make for the kidsville news. it will be a long hopefully creative day!

Hungry....

will always stand as one of my favorite worship cd's of all time. and it is what i have heavily leaned on to get me through my morning.

there is so much that i wish i could blog about today... but it's just not the right timing, yet. i had a pretty exhausting and amazing weekend. Kick-Off is now come and gone, and was a great night, even though there were a few stressful moments. Sometimes I think I should have been an event planner or something. haha. I really do love things like that, but I also like to be able to sit back and enjoy them too.

i started re-reading paul vieira's book, "Jesus has left the building". Its always encouraging to read pages in a book that speak to your passions, and after some conversations this weekend its those passions that are getting stirred up within the depths of my soul... it seems that i will be met with some big decisions over the few months, but in a strange way, i feel like i know how some of them will play out, i'm just waiting on God for the whole picture of what He's up to.

connections....

recently i feel like i've been re-connected to an old friend, even though a month ago this person was a complete stranger to me. funny how life will do that.

should be working... finding distractions

who am i really kidding. i'm not going to accomplish any more work today. its too nice outside. i really just want to watch the sunset over the bay and still make it home in time for Fringe. Somehow I don't see both of those things happening. maybe i'll enjoy the sun setting as i drive home. that's probably more like it.

its days like today that make me miss living in florida... it did have a few good points.

the gloria record is the perfect soundtrack as i sit and blog and feel the cool breeze coming in my window. man i wish they would have made more music. i will forever love them.

its been kind of a rough day, but i made it through and was able to appreciate all of the beauty that is in the new main speakers that zac helped me decide on and buy for the camp. i did a lot of set up for the kick off banquet as well. went to a promotional outing. not feeling the greatest, so thankfully i didn't have to do much.

i guess i learned the hard way that after changing my eating habits for a few weeks, that adding something like cheese back in, is not a good thing. i will not be making this mistake again. my stomach is still hating me for that.

i'm in the mood for a good depressing love story. i'm thinking the movie closer would do. it makes me cry every time i watch it, but it will always be one of my favorite movies. maybe i just like seeing that my life isn't the only one that is screwed up and complicated. even if it is just a movie.

breaking my own heart.

for some reason i've been listening to old school haste the day... like burning bridges old, and missing those days of driving to indiana every other weekend. ok, maybe not every other weekend, but it was around those days that indiana was like home away from home. good times.

there is so much still to do to get ready for kick off and its only a couple days away! ahhhh.... i had to take work home with me last night and spent most of the morning shopping for items to put in a basket for a silent auction. today will be busy with moving everything to the youth center, including to very big and heavy speakers. i might have to get creative with that one. haha. its days like today that i praise God for cars and other various forms of transportation that include wheels!

i really need to make myself a to-do book, because the amount of items on my plate at work is ridiculous! and i know that my mind will miss or forget something if its not written down in front of me.

and in all my pulling away from being so involved with Gospel this summer... seem that God had other plans on that one. haha. but why am i not surprised?! i had a very good conversation with one of the people on the committee. but in that one conversation i got myself right back into the thick of things. which is ok. it seems that even though Gospel is not one of my favorite styles of music to listen to, that at least i can appreciate and am starting to feel a part of their family. i like that. its the one reason why i don't mind being involved, everyone is family and its a nice feeling. i hope that with the project festival we can develop some of those family relationships as well.

things are going better at work. i really am just trying to live life day to day, to fully appreciate the time that God is giving me, and to not be so concerned with looking ahead to what's next. its so easy as we head towards the summer to only focus on that. but there is so much in between now and then, that i don't want to wish time away. and i'm trying to be better at appreciating my friends and each moment i have with them as well. sometimes i set myself up for disappointment because i'm always looking forward to that next text or phone call, when i should really just be happy and thankful for those moments as they come. no expectations. sometimes that is really hard for me. but i'm learning. :)

its going to be a BEAUTIFUL day and i'm excited. with each item that i finish and can check off my list, the less of a weight i feel on my chest, and that is a good thing.

i need a beginning again....

that is how i feel right now. it makes me angry when the devil messes with my head, and makes things hard for me at work. i do not like it. and i was having a great day, until one little conversation seemed to set me up for failure. i don't know why i'm having such a rough couple of days, but i pray it gets better soon.

personally i don't think that we should be going behind each others backs to tell our boss that they are disappointed and don't believe that i'm doing my job right. maybe if i didn't feel threatened that someone is working behind my back to make me look bad i would be ok with it.

sometimes i feel that people are too quick to cut you down rather than to help build you up. and it makes me sad that someone i trusted seems to be out to get me. to point out all of my faults instead of finding things to encourage me with. her disappointment might have been different if i felt she was sharing it out of love instead out of a desire to make me look bad.

none of us really knows what another faces in their day, and if she meant it to help, going behind a persons back is not the way to deal with your feelings.

maybe its the lack of sleep. i had a rough night and my mind would not let me sleep. and when i thought i could finally let that rest, then my stomach didn't feel good. but i still woke up this morning and was thankful for the day that the Lord had given and prayed for His will to be done just like i do each morning.

i was enjoying the grey skies and that my coffee tasted so nice with coconut flavored creamer... and that i was going to get to have lunch with a friend. i suppose there are still many things to be thankful for.

and i will pray about the anger in my heart because i don't like it to be there. it just brings back so many feelings that are hard to deal with. i feel betrayed. i feel like i lost all my trust in someone i used to confide in. this morning i saw a whole different side. i saw a manipulative, i'm out for what's best for me, kind of attitude, and that worries me. i don't like feeling that there is someone watching and waiting for me to do something they don't like so they can go and tell the boss. and i can't help that i feel that way. it will pass as i give this over to God and allow him to take control of my thoughts and feelings.

but i knew if i didn't write them out, i wouldn't be able to concentrate on the work that i need to accomplish today.

thank you Lord, for this day and for friends that i know i can trust and for loving me enough to watch out for me and to get me through the hard times in my day.

summer

so i got an ok to move into a room at camp this summer! its not quite what i was hoping for but at this point in time i will take what i can get. it will still be a personal space all to myself, that i can add a few homey touches to. i already have great plans to make it like a little apartment. and will have 10+ weeks to enjoy it before i have to think about giving it up for family camp. that is really the only downfall. however, i may have a plan for that too! lets hope. i would hate to have to move everything out, but am willing to do so.

let the planning and decorative touches begin! :) that is the funnest part, i think.

she's disaster...

i do not like the fact that i can see snow falling outside my window. i know that its michigan and if i wait a day or so it will be warm and sunny, but i feel like venting about how much i'm not happy with the snow or cold weather today. i suppose if i thought hard enough i could find a reason to be thankful for the snow today, but i don't want to. haha

i have found the reason why i've been getting distracted at work. and even though it distracts me, i'm not going to do anything about it. haha.

i don't have a lot to say today. its friday and i am happy for the weekend. this week has been such a blur. so much to do for work and the festival. lots of conversations/emails but lots of good stuff has happened, so in the midst of all the craziness its been a really good week. still on a high from seeing lovedrug last friday and kinda wishing i had a mini adventure like that to go on again this weekend....

time to stare my distraction in the face and get some work done! :)

so hard to concentrate....

i must need a day off, because my brain is going in so many directions that i'm having a hard time picking just one path to stay on. i have all i need to get done for work, and that is what i am trying my hardest to concentrate on, but i just can't seem to get myself in a creative mode to accomplish what i need to do. i suppose its like writers block. sometimes you need to get away and find a new inspiration for what you were working on in the first place.

my heart is heavy for friends, that is definitely part of it...

its weird how the part of life that was throwing me off for the past month is now what seems to be centering it. i'm not going to complain because i'm very thankful to God for the recent breakthrough. i just need to keep reminding myself to follow God's path and not my own, because i really don't want to end up in the same mess of emotions that i was in before.

i can't stop listening to the new LOVEDRUG EP. its perfect. its everything that made me fall in love with their music in the first place. the songs are haunting and beautiful.

i was hoping if i forced my mind to take a break and focus on something besides a brochure for a bit that it might help me finish what i need to... is it working? not yet.

maybe i'm having a hard time concentrating because i'm making a brouchure for a cruise in the caribbean sea that i would love to be going on, but can't see it happening. not only is it a little more than i can afford right now, but it comes at a really busy time at work for me. ok, i really don't ever have a down time, but lots of promo goes out in January.

ok, now i'm getting distracted by LOVEDRUG. ahaha.. i need the sun to come back, or maybe i just need a road trip that lasts more than one night. :) everyone else has been taking time off, but i still can't find time to. and i just keep adding things to my plate for the summer. i really do pray that i will have a place to stay on the grounds this summer, otherwise i don't see myself getting much sleep and being extremely broke from all the trips i'm going to have to make back and forth. sometimes i do wish i lived a little closer to camp.

ok, so i have lots of pictures of friends all over the walls by my desk, but it was just today that i really started to notice all of their stares. some of them are good, others distracting and some are just plain creepy. maybe its time to start re-vamping some of my collages! haha.

only a couple of hours of work left. maybe i will switch my focus from the cruise to kick off programs. ah yes, i bet i could get those done and maybe even printed by the end of the day! that would be nice. i have to start getting promo stuff ready for the tables. perfect. i don't have to think too hard to do that!

i guess writing some of my thoughts did help! ahaha...

i lost my fear because fear is never living....

breathe deep, inhale, exhale.... its a new day. life seems oddly normal again. well, if you can call life normal... but i'm ok with that right now. normal by some standards is ok. that just means that certain unknowns seem to have righted themselves and i can sleep better at night (well, ok, maybe not because i listen to lovedrug as i fall asleep and my brain gets over-active because i love their music so much... so that's probably the real cause behind not falling asleep when i should. ;) but i can definitely breathe again... i was not wired for uncertainties. i don't deal well with them and until they are righted my whole life gets thrown out of whack. at least for now i seem to not be fighting to walk against the natural rotation of my life.

i've been listening to We Shot the Moon a lot lately. good pop rock. definitely music that makes you happy for spring/summer!

i got the new Secret and Whisper Cd yesterday. and if i'm being honest, i was a little disappointed. maybe because i was expecting so much after loving their first cd and playing it to death... i don't know. i guess sometimes the vocals just get a little much. the music is great, but sometimes repetitive. gosh, i feel like a music critic now. but i'll give it a fair chance to impress me. i want to like it, but there's just something missing in it for me.

ain't no sunshine....

i'm listening to the mix of songs i made that would be perfect to listen to during a thunderstorm and the storm is starting. i can hear the thunder outside and that makes me so happy!!!! i absolutely LOVE thunderstorms!

i'm feeling some freedom in my heart again today. i go back and forth, i know. but have you ever had something/someone pulling your emotions in weird directions that you couldn't explain. that is what happens to me. but only with one person. i wish i knew the cause so that i could stop it from happening, but it still seems to escape me. and as hard as i try to go on with life, its hard because i realized last night that i've wrapped so much around this person, that i almost can't just cut them out. i suppose that is a lesson learned too late.

what really gets me, is that i know there are positives to this person in my life too, i just don't think they feel the same. in fact, right now its as if they can't even be around me. and i suppose that could be where the second wave of crazy emotions came from. i guess the thought of having to endure a few weeks this summer with a person who was a friend and now doesn't seem to want to see you or talk to you is going to be hard. all i can do is pray it won't be as hard as i see it being in my head.

i really hope something gives soon... i just want my friend back. i don't like being without them, but i understand that its not my choice... so i wait and pray and hope that one day things can be better between us again. i think sometimes people don't quite understand how perceptions can win out when you are left not knowing what's really happening...

i think maybe its a good thing they don't know about this blog too... haha. of course, its their own fault, because i can remember a time when they wondered why i didnt journal about them... so this is payback i suppose....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

things are finally starting to come together for the project festival. doing this brings up all the good and bad points of being a promoter. but i have to say that i really miss having a venue. maybe i should pursue that again? i could do it on the side while still working at bay shore.
i suppose there is just something about taking care of bands and hosting shows that will never truly leave my heart. i just wish i understood how that could all still be a part of this life God has me living in MI.

maybe this festival is a way to get something going again. i kinda hope so. its going to be great having that many musicians around at once and feeling connected to people again. i just wish that it could have been some of my friends playing for me. maybe in a year or two down the road.

you're dancin' round on life support with matches and a gun....

lovedrug show - a perfect excuse for driving to lansing with j.starks and going on a mini adventure! one that lead to getting lost, great coffee, lots of walking, picture taking, coughing so much that my stomach still hurts (cigarette smoke, singing and being sick don't mix well) and one amazing set from lovedrug that seemed much too short...

i am seriously blessed to have a friend like j.starks. one who takes me for who i am and never treats me as anything less... at times i feel i don't deserve that. having a friend who understands you, even when you don't always understand yourself is a rare thing to find. at least for me.

sometimes i feel i'm getting too old to stay involved with music, but a conversation from this weekend made me happy that there are people in my life that will always push me to follow those passions.

i was always worried that by seeing lovedrug perform again that it would ruin the perfect image that was in my head from the last time i saw them. standing on a chair in a sea of people just so i could get a good look at m.shephard on the piano. it was one of the most amazing shows ever... and even though the setting was completely different this time around, it was kinda nice being one of the 20 people or so that stood around the stage to support a very good band! i was surprised that there were no songs from sucker punch played, but i didn't mind because that meant more new and old songs that i love... there were no disappointments, except maybe the sound, but from the band, nothing but pure bliss to be hearing them live once again! j.starks did make an interesting observation that the people in the audience all seemed to be musicians of some sort. haha. i suppose that would make sense, because i think it would take someone really into good music to appreciate lovedrug.

-------------

its funny that not even a month ago i was feeling that instead of spring bringing life, that it was bringing death to so many good things in my life. much of that was a choice, i needed to let go of those things and give them up to God and finally surrender to His will and not my own. it brought a lot of freedom to my heart and even though i was sad because i thought i would be on my own for much of the spring and summer, i knew it was what needed to be done. what i didn't expect was how much life has changed in a matter of weeks. some of that being blessing and some of it just confuses me. so i will take what i've gotten back, but with a new perspective. this time i'm going to make sure i seek God's will and not my own. i don't want to be disappointed again and the only way to keep me from that is to not set myself up. if i'm asking every day for God's will to be done then how can i be disappointed if things don't go the way i would like them to, for they will have gone the way God wanted them to.

--------------

maybe spring is bringing new life to friendships i thought i was saying goodbye to, maybe its a chance for me to start on a new path and to truly seek out God's will for me here in michigan and to worry more about serving HIM than serving myself. it is a new day. it is a new start for me, a fresh take on my life and i pray that it accomplishes all that God has meant for me.

blogging...

i forgot how nice it is to blog every day... and probably not many people read this, which is kind of nice in a way, because i feel a little more freedom to write things that are on my heart...

today the weather is supposed to hit near 80! that seems so crazy to even think about. it makes me want to put together a mix cd, pop it in my car and take a road trip. oh, wait! i am taking a mini road trip tomorrow to go see lovedrug with josh! perfect. now all i need to do is make the mix cd.

my windows by my desk are open and muse is playing on my computer. i've recently re-discovered how much i really do love that band! so good. they will be a part of my mix for sure. the only thing i don't like about them right now is how i hear them all over tv. it would be cool if they were promoting the same show, but i'm talking like 3 different shows all using their songs... enough already. haha.

i've had a very interesting morning. it all started with a weird dream about being back in israel, seeing someone and finding out they were married. i don't know that i liked that dream. it seemed all too real. but i will blame it on the fact that i read the final few chapters of eclipse last night where bella choose to marry edward. i've always related most to jabob's charatcter and so i guess my subconscious mind was relating to that. i've actually considered writing a fiction (based on a true) story about a period of time in my life, if only to have a way to remember the good memories that now seem so distant and to quite possibly find the closure i've been so desperately needing to find for my heart. i guess i thought after a few years passed the dreams would stop and my heart would have moved on... and while in many ways i have moved on (at least i've given up the dream) sometimes i wish i would have had the courage to say the things i wanted to say the last time i was in israel, but my heart was so broken that i couldn't force myself to do it, so i left and i've somewhat regretted that. i try to live my life to not regret anything, but there are a few things surrounding that time in my life that i do regret... and not about the friendship, but about the way i treated the one person that meant the world to me. maybe not having closure about that is my punishment. either way, its been on my mind a lot lately. 2 dreams in a matter of weeks will do that i guess. its been long time since its been that frequent. and i have moved on to different books, so maybe that will cause the dreams to cease again...

anyway, then i get to work and get a phone call from donnie cox. kinda threw me off a little, especially since its been a while since i thought about gospel music fest. i had kind of made up my mind to back away from things, for reasons not to be gone into detail. i suppose there is no escaping what i've put myself in the middle of though. and i really do want to be there to help the severances especially since they have done so much to get our other music fest going. here i go, back into the mix. haha. i just think it was funny timing this morning.

today is my last day of work this week and i'm super excited to have a 3 day weekend! especially with the weather looking so promising. awesome.

i've got lots to do today, so now is time to keep creating!