the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return... this seems so fitting in my life as of late. and I'm happy. I truly have been blessed to have an amazing guy enter my life. to finally have someone who takes me for who I am, who makes me always feel special, who loves to see me smile and who has easily become my best friend... sometimes I think he's too good to be true. haha. I've always wanted to be in a relationship that brings out the best in each other, that comes as easy and natural as breathing... right now it seems I've found that. and so I am happy to take each new day as it comes. to enjoy all of the great things this relationship has to offer. for once I'm not looking for what could happen, I'm just living in the moment.

its gonna be a perfect day...

...say the word and ill run away with you :) such a great adventure. sad it came to an end today. but looking forward to seeing cody and the wedding boys in a week! seeing lovedrug was great! it makes me so happy to see them live and getting to hang out with them and get to know them makes me love them all the more! such a great bunch of guys!! can't wait to see them all again! seeing katie and dave and debbie was super great as well. I really am blessed with some great friends :) getting rid of you was the best thing! and finding that adventurous wild blooded girl I once w was has brought me back to a place of happiness and balance. sometimes I guess it just takes holding on to what's real and good and freeing yourself of the falseness. so blessed to be having these opportunities to just live!

dinosaur

sun shines thru my window reminding me that its going to be a beautifl day! one more day off and two more days of work before my next adventure begins. Chicago, I will see you Tuesday! its funny how once adventure gets back into your blood how its had to stop it. I was born to live free. to be a little crazy and impulsive. afterall, they say I have some gypsy blood running in my veins :) last night I had a dream I was at a lovedrug show.... woke up though before I saw any of them. that makes twice this week. only the previous dream I actually saw them play and hung out with them. I love that new adventures mean finding good food too! I could definitely go for thai or middle eastern. this refound independence is great! and I'm very thankful to have a job with flexibility. I guess I never realized how much life camp sucked out of me. how in a place where I should have flet open to completely be myself I found myself hiding from what truly makes me happy. for as much as I loved camp itself, I don't miss the way people were treated or continue to be treated. I know I'm not perfect and that I made mistakes while I was there, and I actually find it funny that I lost my job there because I was friends with a boy! and yet getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me! it just took me awhile to see it. I am refinding myself. I am no longer being held down by the weight of all the darkness that hung over the office. I can breathe again! I can go to a job were I'm not stressed out, where I'm not wondering each day when its going to be my last and I have a life again! hanging out with friends and family. I am so looking forward to spending a summer enjoying some free time instead of working so many hours that it takes me months to recover once summer is over. I thought I would miss camp as it got closer, but the truth is I'm happy to be gone. maybe one day people will start to care for each other again and learn to truly love. and I can go back and enjoy the things I once loved. now back to this new adventure...

great divide

sometimes you just need a rainy day. and to sleep in as long as you can. both can be beautiful things. finally able to let you go. holding on was like poison to my soul. and with the rain, you've been washed away never to have hold on me again. breathe in the free air. let the healing run in my veins and purify my heart once again. next time I won't fall for lies. 6 months to realize the truth. no more being used. feels great to be free. I really wish I could go and see lovedrug again soon! their music is one of the few things in this world that always makes me happy!! but it seems there is no adventure working out to make that possible :(

story of my life: girl meets boy. boy makes girl think he is interested. girl believes boy. girl and boy start talking. boy uses girl. girl gets hurt. so.... I give up. I don't think I will ever be able to believe a guy will truly be interested in anything more than a one night stand. what sucks is that they say all the right things to make you believe, yet its all just a lie. and if you fall for the lie, you get used and hurt. what I wouldn't give for just once to have a guy who acts interested to really be interested. I I can't take it anymore. my heart longs for someone to love and care for. I'm tired of fake friendships.

premonition

frankie's take 2: nothing makes me more happy than finally getting to know the guys in my favorite band- LOVEDRUG. its funny that I've been listening to their music for over 10 years, and yet I'm just now talking to them. its so great to know that the guys are just as amazing as thir music!! seeing them again was awesome. I love their new songs live! they played a perfect set, which included bloodlike and in red! as well as wild blood and anodyne. hanging out with jmg was definitely the highlight. :) unfortunately my work schedule kept us from hanging out as much as we would have liked... hoping one day soon to be able to make up for that. its great to be free of that one person and to finally say my heart has seen something better and is not about to go back. with each passing day since toledo I find it easier and easier to to move on. soon the past 6 months will be nothing more than a fading memory. he will just be a memory of a bad mistake. one I do not wish to repeat. I'm happy and free. full of life and love and so looking forward to my next adventure!

we were owls

having your eyes opened is a great and freeing moment in life. at least that's how I feel right now. even if its not the truth you wanted to figure out, its great to not feel like I'm just being played for a fool by a bunch of guys protecting one in particular. why is it so hard for people to just be honest? what do we have to lose? its called respect. id rather be told a cold hard truth than be made a fool of.
thankfully I have a big heart. one that can take the hurts and pains and disappointments of this life and forgive those who cause them. especially the ones who are too cowardly to talk to me and be honest.
freedom. I had the word forever marked on my foot as a reminder of its beauty.
I'm learning as I grow up that love is not conditional. that to truly love means to be free. and eventhough you may not be honest with me (by consealing the truth) your actions no longer hurt me. nor do they make me hate you. I should have let you say goodbye when you tried, but I'm stubborn and wasn't ready to let go then. it needed to be on my terms. I needed to be the one to say goodbye (if only in my own heart) first.
but then you tried to cause drama again by saying I hated you. I never hated you. just needed to get over you so being friends could be a reality and not just a dream.
I will always wish the best for you and I truly hope you have found some happiness. I do find it comical that you have gone to such lengths to keep things hiden from me. at least I can laugh about it!!
kinda nice to know I can write so openly on here and that you will never read my thoughts. not that I would ever care if you did. haha!

today I finished watching season one of game of thrones!! WOW! I LOVE this show! I wish I had HBO so I could begin watching season two... guess ill play the waiting game again and read the books to bide my time. I'm starting a new summer reading list. seems like a good way to spend my evenings :)

I'm also getting back into vegan baking. I made some amazing banana blueberry bread this weekend. and can't wait to keep trying new recipes! healthy can be good!!

the older I get the more I realize how short life truly is. I'm still on a kick of doing what makes me happy. and if that means being alone forever, I'm ok with that. as long as life is full of adventure and joy and family and friends. I'm good with that.

anodyne

you crawl in the fire when you're feeling down
when you feel it hurting
these ghosts have been a chasing you so
if you could violently swim to the opposite shore
I'd be there reaching out so

I'll be your drug if you need it
I'll be the one that will chase you so hard
I'll be your drug if you need it so
I will be there when you need it
I'll be the love that you're chasing so hard
I'll be your drug if you need it

crawling the streets of abandoned towns
graves are swaying
lost in their coonversations

if you could bathe in the sound
then the parties will rise
it's what they're here for

black is the rain when it's washing away
all of our sinners and saints delight
bathe if you want, there is always some more
if you need, if you want

Anodyne
by: LOVEDRUG
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this is my favorite song right now.
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seeing oh sleeper was great on Saturday!! I was a little nervous in going, but by the end of the night I was happy. I don't remember the last time I laughed that much or that hard and it was sooo needed. I'm thankful for the friendships that have developed with these boys :) and I am thankful that seeing you was just what I needed. when I was so ready to give up on you and write you off for good I was reminded that I made a commitment to you and to myself to stand by you and to support you thru good times and bad. sorry I tried to walk away. I needed to gain a new perspective and I have. and truth is I don't understand why you mean anything to me, but you do and I mean what I say. I was reading back on my january post and it made me smile. I am amazed that you have let me back in, to be honest. so I will do all I can to give you the space you desire, to not overwhelm you, to support you, and to not freak out or be jealous of the other people you give your time and attention to. (even if I wish that sometimes I was included in that list) at least you know I don't hate you. (I truly never did) and I'm glad that I can remember our last time of hanging out in a positive way full of fun and laughter and all the things that make me love all you oh sleeper boys! now to help zac eat healthier and to design the worlds coolest ravens scarf!!

next adventure: lovedrug in april :) I seriously can't wait to hear the songs from wild blood live!!

life continues to be amazing! I feel so blessed :)

wild blood

its amazing how quickly ones thoughts can change. reading back to my last post made me realize how far I've come past those feelings in just a matter of a few weeks. much of that is due to the fact that I've let you go. its hard to wake up and see that all along I was just being used, but I no longer care. life has been amazing since telling you goodbye. and I'm taking time for myself again.
the release of LOVEDRUG's new album WILD BLOOD has come at the perfect time. their music always inspires me. and this album is no exception. in fact its been my anthem song for this new time in my life. I feel like anything is possible. like nothing can hold me down. life is short and we are not guaranteed that tomorrow will come, so I am no longer looking ahead. I'm living for each moment as though I may not get another. and you know what?! its been so great and freeing!!
I love being free!! to go wherever, whenever. to live my dreams. to open myself up to people and just live a life of love and happiness. too long have I let others dictate that for me. no more. this is a new beginning. I haven't felt this alive in a long time.
amazing that one simple decision (to let go) could do all this, or that my favorite band's music could put words to what my heart is feeling.

this wild blood will set us all free...

morning sickness

when we said goodbye all seemed ok. my expectaions had not changed. everything was supposed to just keep going like it always had. but something changed in your mind and now I'm left confused... and feeling like I lost a friend. its killing me on the inside and I don't know how to fix this. please, don't run away. please don't take away one of the best parts of my life for the past few months because u think that its all or nothing. not all girls are the same. not all handle situations the same. spending time with u didn't all of a sudden make me fall in love with u. please don't over think this. let's just be a part of each others lives and live in the moment, not try to figure out the future. its one day at a time babe. I care about u, this is nothing new, but its because when I look at u I see a man who deserves happiness, who deserves not to be judged for his past. I'm not ignorant of it, but I don't see how that has to dictate us now. there are so many things I wish I could say to u... so many things I wish I could convince u to believe about yourself. take the time to get to know me and I think u will be surprised by what u find. don't give up because u are scared. aren't we all. letting someone in is never easy. but think of what we miss out on in life if we push away the good things because we are scared. I'm scared too babe. if you only knew the walls that surround my heart u would understand that u may have gotten out of the shire, but the rest of the journey is like making it into the very heart of mordor. don't be afraid to let someone care about u. we all need people in our lives that support us for who we are. this is just a few of the things I would say to u if I knew u were listening...

winter thunderstorms

hello blog...
i do not update you as much as i should. hoping to change that this year.

finished filing my taxes today. that refund will be a nice addition to my savings account that has been dwindled down to practically nothing due to my recent change in jobs. ok, its been like five months, but still.

tonight should mark closure and moving on from what had been my life for the past 5 years. its a little bitter sweet. i had so many great memories from camp and yet it seems that i am now no longer welcome on its grounds. you'd think that i murdered someone out there or something the way people have treated me since my leaving. haha. i mean seriously. just gives me more fuel for my fire (aka: book or series of blog posts) they are coming. i just have to get thru tonight. then i will feel a little more freedom to write out my thoughts.

i just want to move on. i want 2012 to be a year of adventure. to rid myself of all that holds me back and to live each day in the moment.

i'm very thankful to be where i am. to have a family that loves and supports me. to have a job i look forward to going to. to work with good people who actually care. to have the worlds most amazing friends (even if i don't get to see them much)

last night i had some great dreams. actually any dream i have of hanging out with him is good. i just hope its that good when i finally see him again in a week. so looking forward to facetime. no amount of texting will ever replace just being able to hang out in person. to look a friend in the eye and have real conversations. :)

i'm learning that the most important thing we can do in life is love like the one example we have been given. this love is not based on circumstances or past, present or future... its based on loving for the sake of loving. we all deserve this kind of love in our lives and my goal this year is to be the best example of this LOVE that i can be.

and as i wrap up this entry, i write about how excited i was to be awoken to the sound of thunderstorms last night. its the end of january and we are getting rain and thunderstorms! amazing. not as amazing as being someplace warm like florida or cali... but i'll take this odd season we are calling winter. please be this nice or nicer next week when the boys are in town! :)

yes, that's right. OH SLEEPER in one week!! so excited for this!! and i have hats to give them. well two of them anyway. and i need to plan out zacs scarf before it gets to be too late.

much to look forward to these days. and much to simply enjoy about being alive. i'm happy that his year seems to be getting off to a much better start than how 2011 ended. that makes me so super HAPPY!!