so many thoughts in my head that i feel need to be shared... but sometimes its hard to put them into a blog entry when i'm not inspired as i once was. about 6 or 7 years ago, i was thinking about writing a book entitled "you give love a bad name." it wouldn't be a pretty book, as most of what i have to say is very blunt and honest. but it might be a wake up call to some people. i've been a christian for most of my life, and my walk with the Lord has been anything but perfect, but i feel that at least its been honest. i struggle, i question, i wrestle... but in the end me and God are still in a relationship. its the times when i thought that i was doing so well with the Lord, that looking back, may have been my most insincere. they were the times that i was most unloving and judgmental. i expected everyone to be like me, because i was doing everything right. wrong! i was missing out on the very nature of who Jesus was and how he lived his life. i was too caught up in the "christian bubble" to see outside of myself to others. it became more about what i could cut out and not do, than it did about seeing God in all the very elements of my day to day life. where we run into danger, is when we fail to remember where we came from. when we start to think that everyone that calls themselves a "christian" is going to fit into the same mold that we do. everyone's faith is lived out differently, and that's not a bad thing. God designed us to be unique individuals all created in His image. if we never stop to question or wrestle with God over things in our life that we don't understand, then how is He ever to show us who He is in the process of guiding us to the answers we seek.
i have struggled a lot this week. i've have been caught between a stupid power struggle that i have lost. i'm not happy about loosing. and i am not happy when people lie to get their own way. i'm not happy when friends won't stand up for you and fight and i'm just feeling alone and abandoned... i am ready to hop on a plane not caring where it takes me and just go away for a bit.
i could be the fallen son (daughter) that your judgement made turn and run...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
settling scores by burning bridges...
yep, another day of feeling sick to my stomach. this makes 3 days in the past 5 that work has caused me to be physically sick, because i'm not suffering from any illness.
why is it that i can't just do my job without having to feel like every aspect of my life is being controlled. i mean, i understand getting your work done in a timely manner and working the hours you are given, but when does what i do or not do at work control my own personal time. this is what i don't understand. i work my butt off trying to get things done for this camp, and is it enough? doesn't feel like it. in fact i get told that i can't spend time with my friends outside of work until i get certain things done? interesting. i didn't know that i signed my entire life away when i took this job 5 years ago. tell me to have something done because it needs to be out for the crowd that is coming in for gospel and i understand and have no problem with that. its my job. i'll do it. but please don't control my personal life by holding work duties over my head. what i do on my own time is my business. just as it is anyone else who is off the clock.
this is just me trying to process...
on a happier note there is another new song posted on oh sleeper's facebook page which brings me much JOY!! i LOVE this new song and it gets me so excited for what is to come on their new album!! not only is the music amazing, but i'm finding that so are the guys, which just adds that much more joy to my heart!! i am very blessed to have finally gotten to meet them. and i wish them all the best with the new cd!!
life is good overall. i press on despite the frustration to find something positive in beautiful in each day. doesn't help me to feel any better physically, but at least my mind is free. :)
why is it that i can't just do my job without having to feel like every aspect of my life is being controlled. i mean, i understand getting your work done in a timely manner and working the hours you are given, but when does what i do or not do at work control my own personal time. this is what i don't understand. i work my butt off trying to get things done for this camp, and is it enough? doesn't feel like it. in fact i get told that i can't spend time with my friends outside of work until i get certain things done? interesting. i didn't know that i signed my entire life away when i took this job 5 years ago. tell me to have something done because it needs to be out for the crowd that is coming in for gospel and i understand and have no problem with that. its my job. i'll do it. but please don't control my personal life by holding work duties over my head. what i do on my own time is my business. just as it is anyone else who is off the clock.
this is just me trying to process...
on a happier note there is another new song posted on oh sleeper's facebook page which brings me much JOY!! i LOVE this new song and it gets me so excited for what is to come on their new album!! not only is the music amazing, but i'm finding that so are the guys, which just adds that much more joy to my heart!! i am very blessed to have finally gotten to meet them. and i wish them all the best with the new cd!!
life is good overall. i press on despite the frustration to find something positive in beautiful in each day. doesn't help me to feel any better physically, but at least my mind is free. :)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
insomnia
the weather has been so amazing lately. there is a hint of fall in the air and i'm loving it! so ready for summer to come to a close and for cool crisp autumn days to take over. the only thing i'm not liking is the days getting shorter.
i had a very rough morning, but its getting better thanks to God working in situations that I cannot control. funny though how my morning only adds fuel to the fire when it comes to my book idea.
i am choosing to focus on the positives. like the fact that i will get to see and hang out with a good friend of mine for a few days. that i will get to mix sound and help things run smoothly for our weekend filled with southern gospel music.
today the enemy does not win. today i choose to love.
i had a very rough morning, but its getting better thanks to God working in situations that I cannot control. funny though how my morning only adds fuel to the fire when it comes to my book idea.
i am choosing to focus on the positives. like the fact that i will get to see and hang out with a good friend of mine for a few days. that i will get to mix sound and help things run smoothly for our weekend filled with southern gospel music.
today the enemy does not win. today i choose to love.
Monday, August 22, 2011
jetpacks was yes...
many thoughts on my mind once again. funny how reading posts on someone's facebook can bring back to mind an old book idea. but maybe the reason i have not been able to shake the ideas is because there are others who need to hear what i have to say, as harsh and honest as it may get.
had a good night reminiscing with dallas taylor, who by all rights is probably one of my oldest friends. its nice to know that 13 years later we can still laugh over all the crazy stories we've shared.
one of the funniest parts of the night was when he gave me a hug to say good bye, stepped back looked at me and said, "you're tiny!" haha. that was proceeded by, not that you were ever big or anything, but, you're tiny! thanks dallas for noticing that i am now half the size i was last time you saw me. ;)
and this is a note to guys in bands, if there is a girl in your midst, please refrain from talking about certain movies and why you like certain parts of them. it can make trying to hang out with your guy friends a bit awkward! thanks. oh and also, girls have feelings too, even the slutty ones. so please don't take advantage of us, just because you can.
yeah, i did a lot of people watching last night too.
had a good night reminiscing with dallas taylor, who by all rights is probably one of my oldest friends. its nice to know that 13 years later we can still laugh over all the crazy stories we've shared.
one of the funniest parts of the night was when he gave me a hug to say good bye, stepped back looked at me and said, "you're tiny!" haha. that was proceeded by, not that you were ever big or anything, but, you're tiny! thanks dallas for noticing that i am now half the size i was last time you saw me. ;)
and this is a note to guys in bands, if there is a girl in your midst, please refrain from talking about certain movies and why you like certain parts of them. it can make trying to hang out with your guy friends a bit awkward! thanks. oh and also, girls have feelings too, even the slutty ones. so please don't take advantage of us, just because you can.
yeah, i did a lot of people watching last night too.
Friday, August 19, 2011
the monster
why do i feel like my life is always on repeat? just once i would like a different outcome. yeah, i'm glad for the lessons learned and the people that come and go, but do i always keep having to relive the same scenarios? or can i finally get it and move on?
i'm tired. i'm tired of trying, tired of caring. tired of hoping for once that there is a different end result... its like why even try?
live life with no regrets. i hear that in my head, and i want to always live by that rule, but what happens when you live in the moment and continuously get hurt? eventually you shut down to try and protect yourself. i'm getting back to that shut down point. i was actually doing really well, but this morning i woke up and just felt like all the joy that had been building over the last couple of weeks had been sucked out like a candle flame being snuffed out... eventually there isn't going to be much of me left to break, so if its going to happen, i pray its quick and as painless as possible. trouble is when its painless, its often because i numb myself to the world around me... and then the pain just comes out later. i think i'm getting good at delaying emotion, but i suppose its not real healthy to do.
i wish i could drive to the ocean. sit on the beach. journal out all my thoughts and prayers. and find peace. God and i often had many heart to hearts on the shoreline.
next week is going to be hard on me. i don't know that i'm ready to handle it all, especially with the way i woke up feeling this morning... and maybe that's where part of the loss of joy is coming from. knowing that in less than a week, i'm going to be an outsider looking in to do a job with music i can appreciate, but that i'm not really into. maybe i can find a way to numb myself just for a week and then go back to caring. we'll see.
learn to love the ways you are, beautiful and broken heart... thank you lovedrug for being a constant and beautiful inspiration. your music has and will always be a mix of my own life and emotions put into an art form.
i'm tired. i'm tired of trying, tired of caring. tired of hoping for once that there is a different end result... its like why even try?
live life with no regrets. i hear that in my head, and i want to always live by that rule, but what happens when you live in the moment and continuously get hurt? eventually you shut down to try and protect yourself. i'm getting back to that shut down point. i was actually doing really well, but this morning i woke up and just felt like all the joy that had been building over the last couple of weeks had been sucked out like a candle flame being snuffed out... eventually there isn't going to be much of me left to break, so if its going to happen, i pray its quick and as painless as possible. trouble is when its painless, its often because i numb myself to the world around me... and then the pain just comes out later. i think i'm getting good at delaying emotion, but i suppose its not real healthy to do.
i wish i could drive to the ocean. sit on the beach. journal out all my thoughts and prayers. and find peace. God and i often had many heart to hearts on the shoreline.
next week is going to be hard on me. i don't know that i'm ready to handle it all, especially with the way i woke up feeling this morning... and maybe that's where part of the loss of joy is coming from. knowing that in less than a week, i'm going to be an outsider looking in to do a job with music i can appreciate, but that i'm not really into. maybe i can find a way to numb myself just for a week and then go back to caring. we'll see.
learn to love the ways you are, beautiful and broken heart... thank you lovedrug for being a constant and beautiful inspiration. your music has and will always be a mix of my own life and emotions put into an art form.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
pandamoranda...
yep, back to lovedrug inspired titles to my blog! haha.
is it weird to think that one person, in so many aspects still yet a stranger, can bring so much joy into another's life? can that same person make the other want to be a better, more sensitive person?
i've been amazed recently by how true this can be. at a time when i was falling back into something so comfortable, yet volatile to my own emotions, it seems that God has brought me a glow of moonlight. :) this beautiful person has brought such a joy to my heart that i find it hard not to smile and stay positive. interesting, to say the least. for a deeply emotional and dark person to find a sense of hope, is refreshing. and while i know this may not last forever, i'll enjoy this person as long as the Lord gives me. :) amazing people are hard to come by these days, so i feel very blessed to have run across one!
i know i depend a lot on my circumstances to bring happiness into my life, but ultimately i do know that God is the source of it all... and at a time when i could be falling back into depression and letting my emotions get to me because of recent circumstances, better ones seem to be trumping the bad.
the chill in the morning air is causing my mind to drift away to autumn... a season that is getting so close and bringing an added joy to my heart as well! the thought of baking things with apples and pumpkins and all that comes with this amazing time of year gets me so excited. and yes, lovedrug will become a daily part of my life for the next 2 1/2 months! but that's not a bad thing at all. and with new music coming from them, i have even more to be happy about.
i hope that as the days continue on and fall draws ever closer, that this joy in my heart will continue to grow along with this friendship... and that all the things i love about this time of year will be magnified!
is it weird to think that one person, in so many aspects still yet a stranger, can bring so much joy into another's life? can that same person make the other want to be a better, more sensitive person?
i've been amazed recently by how true this can be. at a time when i was falling back into something so comfortable, yet volatile to my own emotions, it seems that God has brought me a glow of moonlight. :) this beautiful person has brought such a joy to my heart that i find it hard not to smile and stay positive. interesting, to say the least. for a deeply emotional and dark person to find a sense of hope, is refreshing. and while i know this may not last forever, i'll enjoy this person as long as the Lord gives me. :) amazing people are hard to come by these days, so i feel very blessed to have run across one!
i know i depend a lot on my circumstances to bring happiness into my life, but ultimately i do know that God is the source of it all... and at a time when i could be falling back into depression and letting my emotions get to me because of recent circumstances, better ones seem to be trumping the bad.
the chill in the morning air is causing my mind to drift away to autumn... a season that is getting so close and bringing an added joy to my heart as well! the thought of baking things with apples and pumpkins and all that comes with this amazing time of year gets me so excited. and yes, lovedrug will become a daily part of my life for the next 2 1/2 months! but that's not a bad thing at all. and with new music coming from them, i have even more to be happy about.
i hope that as the days continue on and fall draws ever closer, that this joy in my heart will continue to grow along with this friendship... and that all the things i love about this time of year will be magnified!
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