will you pause to break my heart....

its a warm one outside today, probably magnified by the fact that i had to move a bed out of my cabin along with moving around some other furniture to make room for the king size bed that will be replacing it. i suppose God always goes above and beyond our expectations to bless us with something better. the bed i moved out was a twin size bed, so although the bed i'm getting will take up most of the front room in the cabin, i see it as a blessing in disguise. kinda one of those, what the devil meant for harm, the Lord turned to good.

i'm learning to take everything in stride. for a while i was choosing to worry too much, now I'm just trying to do my job and trust that God is in control. i still look forward to this summer and having friends around. and even if others choose to spend all summer watching me like a hawk waiting for me to do something wrong, i will not let that get to me.

God has a bigger purpose, and i will not lose sight of that. it will be a busy and fun packed summer and i hope that i can really take in each moment of it for what God gives me. i'm learning to take life one day at a time and to pray for God's will to be done in each of those days. looking to the future is good, as long as you don't miss out on what God is doing today.

summer weather always makes me want to listen to AFI. i think it stems back from my days of living in florida. haha.

one week....

yep, its been a week already since my last post, and i can happily say that the joy still remains. :)

man, it feels so good to have this freedom in my heart....

so the series finale of LOST was last night. WOW! i'm still confused, but happy with the ending. as it began with jack in the jungle opening his eyes, it ends with him in the jungle closing them... i think i cried more in the span of the finale last night that i have in an entire year! haha. everyone being reunited with those that they love, even if it was in death. it was still beautiful.

and i guess the island is left to speculation. i think this summer i will be spending some time re-watching LOST. haha

i officially moved into the cabin for the summer. it's gonna take some time to unpack and get settled in, but i'm happy to have it. there are a lot of things that i need to pray about, so having a home away from home will definitely help in that.

its going to be an interesting summer. with all that is changing around me, i just want to take it all in. to look at each day as a blessing from the Lord and to live in the here and now. i am looking forward to having some friends around the camp this summer and for opportunities to see them get involved in ways that could bring them future connections to the camp as well.

i never would have thought all of this was possible a year ago and i suppose that just goes to show how amazing God is. He orchestrates our lives in ways that we could never dream of or imagine... i am thankful to have a God that loves me, and that wants what's best for me and that gives me a hope and a future.

oh, and i did infiltrate a bit of pirate decor into the cabin! i couldn't go a whole summer with out some kind of reminder of that!

i like that there is life around the campground again. that summer is just a couple of weeks away and that i get 4 weeks! :)

amazing!

that is the best way to describe my weekend. i don't think i've done so much in a long time, but it was great. art walk in flint friday night and hanging out with an old friend and meeting new ones... then a day of movies: Iron Man 2 and Nightmare on Elm Street. More hanging out with a great friend, and then back down to flint on sunday night for PIPE.

ending my weekend in flint with another great friend was just what i needed. its been a while since i felt a pure joy in my heart, and being at PIPE and continuing to build 'community' with all the great people there was just what i needed.

there is no more doubting, there is no more wondering. God is good and He has shown me things not only about my own relationship with HIM, but with a friend. i am truly blessed. i don't deserve some of the amazing friendships i've been given... and God has answered my prayers in unexpected ways with that.

and i will take the good advice i received last night from one of those friends, and stop worrying so much! :)

God knows what He's doing, and I just need to trust Him first and know that He is in control.

giving up....

... and waiting to see if God gives it back. being able to finally do that has been a very freeing moment in my life recently. and yes, I'm still waiting to see if God does give back what I gave up, but this time I know that if it does come back, it was meant to... that this time God is behind it. That's all I really needed to know anyway.

Sometimes you have to leave it in God's hands and let Him move, because that is the only way you know it wasn't disillusioned by our own thoughts.

today finally felt like a new day. breathe in hope, exhale love....

Thank God for weekends!

It's been a while since I just went out with a friend and hung out. It seems I'm always waiting for the one that can never seem to fit it into their schedule instead of realizing that God has given me a great friend already who likes to hang out and go on adventures with me. I am very blessed to have a friend such as you.

It's also been a while since I felt happy. There is so much going on in my life, and a lot of it isn't easy to go through, but I know what is coming will be worth every minute of struggle that i face right now, especially the struggles I face daily in my own heart.

This weekend was just what I needed to have some fun and hang out and focus on where my heart is being drawn. I think a part of my struggles are coming from the fact that my heart is divided into 2 very separate places. This weekend I asked God to make it undivided. And suddenly the vision that I had been asking for started to flow out. I suppose its true that you can't live with a divided heart for too long before you have to make a choice. I have made my choice, now I'm just waiting on the Lord to bring it to pass. Its still going to be hard, but I will make it, and good things will come from it, because I am following the path that God has laid out before my feet. He is giving me just enough light to see a couple feet ahead of me. To know the direction I'm headed, but to still have to trust Him to get there.

I never saw myself going in this direction, but how can I question what the Lord is doing? I just have to trust and follow Him.

I can tell things are different around here. No one seems to notice if I'm in my corner or not... So, I'm just going to silently do my work every day, and know that even in all of this there is a purpose. Maybe it will do me some good be alone here, to be on the outside. All I want is YOU Jesus.

who wants to live in a world without color?

not me. i'm having a really difficult week. and its frustrating because i feel like i am put into a box. i feel like there are people around here that are afraid of people who think outside the box. why is it that people are so afraid to color their worlds.

everything being bland and white, where is the fun in that? i guess i knew things would have to go back to the way they were, it seems that people who don't like change are afraid of people like me. haha. i tend to shake things up where ever i go. for the good, hopefully. it seems i will be without a bed this summer, but my futon will make due.

i'm trying hard to love people that seem out to get me. funny that i'm reading about loving your enemies, and God challenges me with it. and not enemy in the true sense of enemy... but you know, those who make it hard to want to love and trust them.

if we are to be like Jesus (as christians), then why is it that we are so selfish and only able to look out for whats best for us. to be so blinded that we hurt people we are supposed to work with, for the "good" of what we want in our own lives. Some things are temporal, others last a life time.

its like the people in the church that fight over how a building looks but pay no attention to the people in it who are hurting, or the love that they could be spreading to those in their congregations. when will we stop being concerned with the things of this world that will pass away, and start to focus on our relationships. people are way more important that the color one chooses to paint on a wall. but sadly some people can't see past this. they think that a bright color on a wall = rebellion. i am not a rebellious person, i follow the rules set out before me. i put things back the way i found them. at least when i'm at work.

i guess there is nothing you can do if others are out to get you, i just hope that people can see its not bringing unity, its bringing division. God does not go behind our backs to tell our secrets to the Father, He walks with us and challenges us to do it ourselves. He supports us and loves us and uses His kindness to bring us to repentance. so why do christians feel they need to judge to make themselves look better? the very nature of Jesus was to be a servant, to think of others first. its a sad day in ministry if we can't be like Jesus. if we are so concerned about ourselves and what we want that we can't love.

i know i'm not perfect and i do a lot of things wrong, but i would hope that painting a room or moving some furniture isn't so bad that i'm hurting the ministry of the camp by it. especially when it can be undid so easily.

my lesson for today. let us learn to love and not judge. let us be open with each other in love and not sneak behind people's backs. let us work in unity and love to all those around us. how in the world can we expect God to use us if we can't even love those we work with. and the bigger question there, is how can we God if we cannot first show that same love to those around us. love is just a word unless it is followed by our actions. Jesus didn't just tell people he loved them, he showed it thru every action that proceeded from him.

why is it so hard for us to understand that we are all made different. that we are all a part of the functioning body of Christ here on this earth. why is it that we are so quick to judge someone based on their appearance, or them not doing things our way. yes, my mind doesn't work like everyone elses, my brain thinks of things in a creative way, don't try to understand me, just accept me. Jesus would. Jesus would see my colorful way of seeing the world as part of the beautiful creation he made. Colors reflected in my life are only meant to reflect the colors that He has already used to paint this world.

live and raw

This is how I'm thinking of eating this summer! It will be a bit of a transition, but not too bad, and since cooking will be hard (even in the cabin) it might be the perfect time to try it. Now I just need to find a couple of good cook books. And don't worry, I'm talking only veggies and fruit! :)

thoughts and pictures!

I love IKEA! This is going to be my home away from home this summer and I know I'll be spending a lot of time in this room!

The rest are pictures from around camp. I am really excited for all that God is doing, and will do this summer not only at camp but in other places that my heart has become attached to. I am trying to live one day at a time and to not look too far into the future, otherwise, I might miss something from the here and now.

I am so thankful that God's peace can surpass all understanding! Right now I don't know what I want or how to feel about certain things, but God's peace is still there in the midst bringing me back to reality and reminding me to trust Him and not my own feelings.

I've been reading Paul Vieira's Book Jesus Has Left the Building, and finding all the great words to our generation that are revealed in it's pages all over again. Thank you Paul, for hearing God's voice and writing a book that I feel will be life changing to those who are able to follow Jesus and His model for the church.

The quote that really got to me last night was this:

"Jesus cared for people and met their needs whether they decided to follow him or not."
-Paul V.

How often to do "christians" have an underlying motive behind their actions. Jesus loved people so much that it didn't matter to him if they would follow him or not, he loved them and served them, it was just in his nature to do, he didn't play favorites or seek out only those that might believe and follow him. He lived out a life-style that all of us as followers of Jesus should live.

I believe that God is shaking my world up, in a good way. He's opening my eyes to what's really important. PEOPLE. Relationship is the key. We were created to have a relationship with God. and our relationships with others reflect that relationship with God. That's why we crave it so much. Our generation doesn't just want words, we want love in action. We want to be love in action. The only way to do this is to meet people where they are and to love them with no motives or strings attached. Our ministry therefore is found in the very way we live our lives. To follow Jesus and the way He lived involves a big cost, but look at how He changed the world. He poured Himself into 12 disciples, and those 12 disciples went on to spread the gospel to the world. Imagine what could happen if we started to get back to that model of discipleship on a mass scale. They say one person can change the world.... and I believe that. Look at Jesus. Its really time that the church started to look like Jesus, act like Jesus, and represent Jesus to the world....