would you change the past if you still had time?

yep, been listening to way too much alevela lately. i've found that their music sparks creativity when i'm creating brochures for work though. weird, i know. haha.

so my last post was from a very dark place in my feelings. since then i've had a great weekend and wanted to write something on a more positive note.

sometimes we have to look beyond ourselves to see that the darkness we find ourselves in is only temporary and that we have the choice to dwell in it or to move into the light. i suppose that's a part of learning to trust God again. Its often when we are walking in darkness that He is the closest to us, only we can't sense him around us. I take comfort in that thought, that even if i can't see where i'm going, He is leading my steps and eventually there will be light to my path again and i will be able to step into the full warmth of the sun and see where i have wandered while in the dark.

with so many uncertainties surrounding, i can still find hope that God is and has always been in control and even if i can't see how things are going to end, or where He is leading me, I know that for this time and this moment, I am where i need to be, i am surrounded by a loving family that supports me, i am working for a camp that i love, and i have some of the best friends ever.

the loneliness i suppose is just stronger felt right now because i am being lead along a solitary path. maybe that's the way God wants it right now, and so i am trying hard to be thankful even in the midst of feeling alone...

would i change the past if i still had time? probably not. my past is my past. its made me who i am today. the only thing i would change is valuing the people that have come and gone in my life more and thinking of myself less.

life after 30...

so many things in life are uncertain, i'm finding that more and more as the days pass lately. work, friends, etc... it seemed as if everything was going great. i felt at home living with my family, i was loving my job, and realizing just how blessed i am with friends and family. and now, all of that seems so unsure. at least in my head. maybe its all really just and illusion of the truth around me, maybe nothing has changed but my perception. in any case, i'm starting to wonder if i haven't outlived my welcome here. it seems that this is the pattern of my life, to run when i feel things getting harder, but is that what God wants? this is the dilemma in my heart. to want to belong here and find a place in ministry vs. picking up and starting over.

it all comes back to our dreams and how to best fulfill them. of that i'm not certain anymore.

i really feel that i need this road trip with my cousin in december. i need to feel what its like to live free again, to have an adventure that could take you anywhere. when i was younger i used to live life for the moment, and yes, i've grown up, but i feel that there is something missing because i've stopped caring about the adventure in life.

i have been noticing that even in the midst of having friends here, i am always alone. i'm growing tired of that feeling. all i want in this world is to connect somewhere, and my life has been going in circles taking me places and i have yet to connect to a place where i feel like i could stay. i thought home was going to be that place. i wanted it to be that place, but the fact of the matter is, in the 3 years i've been home, i am still alone. maybe thats me, its like i have this bubble around me that only attracts people i have no future with. friends that have no real place for me in their lives. it would seem that i'm depressed, but i'm not. i'm just wondering when i'm ever going to find a place to fit in. when i'm ever going to have friends that live in the same place that i do... that actually want me to be a part of their lives for longer than a few months. my solid friends are the ones that are scattered throughout the world. and i guess i'm missing them.

i feel like i'm back in florida, doing everything by myself and wondering whats next. only when i was in florida i had home to run to, now i'm not sure if home even wants me there. and with the possibilitity of being laid off from work, all i can think about is if i'm going to be forced into a life change that i wasnt prepared for. i don't want life to change right now. i'm happy and enjoying myself. i'm just lonely. i've been lonely for years and nothing ever changes, people come and go that i connect to, but there is always something that keeps us from going deeper.

and now as i sit in a coffee shop, i'm being hit on by the one guy that i'm not interest in. and the one guy that i was hoping would come and talk to me, is not the guy to sit across from me on the couch, but he is still here, and maybe ther is still a chance. haha... and i just realized that the guy i want to talk to me reminds me of jake. ha! thats funny.

i suppose living my life the way i have has led to being alone, but i'd like to think that God would even have a plan to see that change soon.

so on a brighter note, i've seen 3 movies in the past 24 hours. my favorite, ironically, was, "wristcutters: a love story". this movie was depressingly beautiful. not quite what i was expecting, but i really liked it. and the fact that it opened with one of my favorite tom waits songs, dead and lovely, was brilliant. i'm glad i didn't wait for someone else to watch it with me. but i'm very glad that j.rose told me about it.

the next movie that i really liked was "the box" it was done by richard kelly and i did find a lot of donnie darko elements to the movie, which i liked, and overall, had a similar feeling at the end of the movie. i love that richard kelly's movies don't have happy endings. well, they do but not in the normal sense of happy.

then i saw the men who stare at goats, and it was good, but i could have gone without seeing it.


those are my thoughts for now.