you are not alone, in the eye of the darkest storm

winter thunderstorms

2012-01-23T14:51:00.001-05:00

hello blog...
i do not update you as much as i should. hoping to change that this year.

finished filing my taxes today. that refund will be a nice addition to my savings account that has been dwindled down to practically nothing due to my recent change in jobs. ok, its been like five months, but still.

tonight should mark closure and moving on from what had been my life for the past 5 years. its a little bitter sweet. i had so many great memories from camp and yet it seems that i am now no longer welcome on its grounds. you'd think that i murdered someone out there or something the way people have treated me since my leaving. haha. i mean seriously. just gives me more fuel for my fire (aka: book or series of blog posts) they are coming. i just have to get thru tonight. then i will feel a little more freedom to write out my thoughts.

i just want to move on. i want 2012 to be a year of adventure. to rid myself of all that holds me back and to live each day in the moment.

i'm very thankful to be where i am. to have a family that loves and supports me. to have a job i look forward to going to. to work with good people who actually care. to have the worlds most amazing friends (even if i don't get to see them much)

last night i had some great dreams. actually any dream i have of hanging out with him is good. i just hope its that good when i finally see him again in a week. so looking forward to facetime. no amount of texting will ever replace just being able to hang out in person. to look a friend in the eye and have real conversations. :)

i'm learning that the most important thing we can do in life is love like the one example we have been given. this love is not based on circumstances or past, present or future... its based on loving for the sake of loving. we all deserve this kind of love in our lives and my goal this year is to be the best example of this LOVE that i can be.

and as i wrap up this entry, i write about how excited i was to be awoken to the sound of thunderstorms last night. its the end of january and we are getting rain and thunderstorms! amazing. not as amazing as being someplace warm like florida or cali... but i'll take this odd season we are calling winter. please be this nice or nicer next week when the boys are in town! :)

yes, that's right. OH SLEEPER in one week!! so excited for this!! and i have hats to give them. well two of them anyway. and i need to plan out zacs scarf before it gets to be too late.

much to look forward to these days. and much to simply enjoy about being alive. i'm happy that his year seems to be getting off to a much better start than how 2011 ended. that makes me so super HAPPY!!

winter in my heart

2011-12-09T21:34:00.000-05:00

this song has been on repeat tonight (the shane blay version) funny what you can learn about yourself from someone else. funny that two people can have similar coping methods. life is a crazy journey and the people that come and go all have a part to play, big or small. I'm learning this yet again. never would have imagined making a scarf for someone would lead me to such revelations about myself. the two of us are very much alike.

words of a stranger...

2011-12-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

can have quite an impact on ones own thoughts and feelings. I do not believe it was by chance that I ended up at your blog tonight. I think it was because I needed a wake up call. I needed to understand what I was facing.

life is a strange journey that we all face. you can embrace it as an adventure filled with love and excitement or you can swallow yourself in darkness and never move on from the pain and destructive habits of your past.

as this year comes to a close I find myself hopeful for a better year ahead. for a renewal of love and beauty and holding on to what makes me me. and if it means being alone, so be it!

I do not live to regret any part of my life... I embrace every experience good or bad. I like to connect the lines of my life and see how they fit.. see how each aspect has somehow prepared me for something unseen until I reflect back.

these past few months have renewed a hope in love and also made me question whether or not we are capable of anything real. I am, but are you? or will you always need someone new to keep you from dealing with who you really are inside. I care when I shouldn't. its because I always see the potential hinding behind the mask. why run? why are we so scared to face ourselves? to let ourselves be happy. I know I've run from this many times. run away from the people that could be good for us in exchange for the people who will use us.

one of my favorite movies is closer. I can't watch it without crying. without relating to at least one of the characters at some point. when it comes to relationships is the rawest and most truthful look at what we are capable of and the heartbreak that we bring to ourselves and those we love.

for some crazy reason I want to be a person you let in. I want to be a person that cares when no one else seems to. I want to be a light for you when all other lights go out. I've seen a glimpse of who you can be, and its beautiful. if only you could see that in yourself.

damage...

2011-10-05T16:02:00.000-04:00

this blog post was inspired by a text convo I had the other day... it seems that I get asked this question a lot, so it got me thinking: "why am I still single?" I've come to the conclusion that its not just because I don't have options... yes, that's partly true, you can't be in a relationship if no one is pursuing, but why is it the ones that pursue just aren't worth the effort? I think right now, I am single because I have raised my standards... for too long I've let the wrong boys use me and break my heart, and so now I'm waiting for the guy who will love me for who I am and allow me to love him for who he is. mr right I suppose for me is a guy who is honest and open about all aspects of their life... a man who is comfortable in their own skin and who is ready to be with someone who will love them and support them they way they deserve! id rather have an honest man who is a little rough around the edges than a man who puts on a mask and conforms to the way everyone wants him to be. be forwarned, I see thru fascades and I live in a very black and white world. mean what you say and do what you say. do not be a coward and be of good character. live with integrity. love unconditionally. sure these things might be hard to find, but the truth is, I feel the one who inspired this post also inspires some of the qualities I'm looking for. for I have seen his character in difficult situations and I have listened to him be open and honest thru his music and I believe that the good things about him far out weigh the bad, and one day I know he too will find the love he deserves :)

another reason I find myself single is because I'm not out living the way most single people my age are living. I don't go to clubs, I'm not into one night stands and I'm wanting to find a man, not some boy... to lay the blame on guys not asking me out would not be fair. however what I still don't understand is why the guys that are always asking me this question are good guys, who can't believe someone like me is not taken, but yet they would never ask me out themselves... a little bit of irony there?? I think so. man up and ask me out haha! or don't ask why I'm still single like you can't believe it or that there is something wrong with me.

thank you to the one who ask me this question most recently... you actually inspire me in so many ways... life is too short to live with regrets. I don't try to hide my past, but I do remain hopeful for the future. for now I embrace being single and know that one day the right man will come along. I just don't have it in me to keep trying out wrong ones while I wait, so that is why I'm still single.

children of fire + dinosaur

2011-09-07T12:07:00.000-04:00

today is my last official day working for Bay Shore Camp. Its a weird day, to say the least. At times as I sit at my computer, it feels like nothing is changing, and then I know that when I wake up at 3am to get ready to go to my new job, it will truly sink in that my life just took a HUGE step in a new direction. Am I prepared for it?? no. Its hard to prepare for a life change when you didn't see it coming, but I'm going to stay positive. I cannot change what happened, so there is only moving forward on to bigger and better things.

right now God provided me with a job, so I am truly thankful for that! and I know that as time moves forward and I seek out what is next, I'll find it.

I'm about to begin a new scarf. this one is for Shane Blay, the amazing guitarist for Oh, Sleeper!! I'm super excited about this one. Its going to be a new design that I was working on. its funny how Shane's excitement about the scarf totally turned my day around yesterday. I love knitting things, and nothing brings me more joy than knowing the recipient is more excited about it than I am!!

when I leave work today, I'm going to go yarn shopping!

i could be the fallen son (daughter) that your judgement made turn and run...

2011-08-25T14:28:00.000-04:00

so many thoughts in my head that i feel need to be shared... but sometimes its hard to put them into a blog entry when i'm not inspired as i once was. about 6 or 7 years ago, i was thinking about writing a book entitled "you give love a bad name." it wouldn't be a pretty book, as most of what i have to say is very blunt and honest. but it might be a wake up call to some people. i've been a christian for most of my life, and my walk with the Lord has been anything but perfect, but i feel that at least its been honest. i struggle, i question, i wrestle... but in the end me and God are still in a relationship. its the times when i thought that i was doing so well with the Lord, that looking back, may have been my most insincere. they were the times that i was most unloving and judgmental. i expected everyone to be like me, because i was doing everything right. wrong! i was missing out on the very nature of who Jesus was and how he lived his life. i was too caught up in the "christian bubble" to see outside of myself to others. it became more about what i could cut out and not do, than it did about seeing God in all the very elements of my day to day life. where we run into danger, is when we fail to remember where we came from. when we start to think that everyone that calls themselves a "christian" is going to fit into the same mold that we do. everyone's faith is lived out differently, and that's not a bad thing. God designed us to be unique individuals all created in His image. if we never stop to question or wrestle with God over things in our life that we don't understand, then how is He ever to show us who He is in the process of guiding us to the answers we seek.

i have struggled a lot this week. i've have been caught between a stupid power struggle that i have lost. i'm not happy about loosing. and i am not happy when people lie to get their own way. i'm not happy when friends won't stand up for you and fight and i'm just feeling alone and abandoned... i am ready to hop on a plane not caring where it takes me and just go away for a bit.

i could be the fallen son (daughter) that your judgement made turn and run...

settling scores by burning bridges...

2011-08-24T10:37:00.000-04:00

yep, another day of feeling sick to my stomach. this makes 3 days in the past 5 that work has caused me to be physically sick, because i'm not suffering from any illness.

why is it that i can't just do my job without having to feel like every aspect of my life is being controlled. i mean, i understand getting your work done in a timely manner and working the hours you are given, but when does what i do or not do at work control my own personal time. this is what i don't understand. i work my butt off trying to get things done for this camp, and is it enough? doesn't feel like it. in fact i get told that i can't spend time with my friends outside of work until i get certain things done? interesting. i didn't know that i signed my entire life away when i took this job 5 years ago. tell me to have something done because it needs to be out for the crowd that is coming in for gospel and i understand and have no problem with that. its my job. i'll do it. but please don't control my personal life by holding work duties over my head. what i do on my own time is my business. just as it is anyone else who is off the clock.

this is just me trying to process...

on a happier note there is another new song posted on oh sleeper's facebook page which brings me much JOY!! i LOVE this new song and it gets me so excited for what is to come on their new album!! not only is the music amazing, but i'm finding that so are the guys, which just adds that much more joy to my heart!! i am very blessed to have finally gotten to meet them. and i wish them all the best with the new cd!!

life is good overall. i press on despite the frustration to find something positive in beautiful in each day. doesn't help me to feel any better physically, but at least my mind is free. :)

insomnia

2011-08-23T10:57:00.000-04:00

the weather has been so amazing lately. there is a hint of fall in the air and i'm loving it! so ready for summer to come to a close and for cool crisp autumn days to take over. the only thing i'm not liking is the days getting shorter.

i had a very rough morning, but its getting better thanks to God working in situations that I cannot control. funny though how my morning only adds fuel to the fire when it comes to my book idea.

i am choosing to focus on the positives. like the fact that i will get to see and hang out with a good friend of mine for a few days. that i will get to mix sound and help things run smoothly for our weekend filled with southern gospel music.

today the enemy does not win. today i choose to love.

jetpacks was yes...

2011-08-22T16:20:00.000-04:00

many thoughts on my mind once again. funny how reading posts on someone's facebook can bring back to mind an old book idea. but maybe the reason i have not been able to shake the ideas is because there are others who need to hear what i have to say, as harsh and honest as it may get.

had a good night reminiscing with dallas taylor, who by all rights is probably one of my oldest friends. its nice to know that 13 years later we can still laugh over all the crazy stories we've shared.

one of the funniest parts of the night was when he gave me a hug to say good bye, stepped back looked at me and said, "you're tiny!" haha. that was proceeded by, not that you were ever big or anything, but, you're tiny! thanks dallas for noticing that i am now half the size i was last time you saw me. ;)

and this is a note to guys in bands, if there is a girl in your midst, please refrain from talking about certain movies and why you like certain parts of them. it can make trying to hang out with your guy friends a bit awkward! thanks. oh and also, girls have feelings too, even the slutty ones. so please don't take advantage of us, just because you can.

yeah, i did a lot of people watching last night too.

the monster

2011-08-19T10:31:00.002-04:00

why do i feel like my life is always on repeat? just once i would like a different outcome. yeah, i'm glad for the lessons learned and the people that come and go, but do i always keep having to relive the same scenarios? or can i finally get it and move on?
i'm tired. i'm tired of trying, tired of caring. tired of hoping for once that there is a different end result... its like why even try?
live life with no regrets. i hear that in my head, and i want to always live by that rule, but what happens when you live in the moment and continuously get hurt? eventually you shut down to try and protect yourself. i'm getting back to that shut down point. i was actually doing really well, but this morning i woke up and just felt like all the joy that had been building over the last couple of weeks had been sucked out like a candle flame being snuffed out... eventually there isn't going to be much of me left to break, so if its going to happen, i pray its quick and as painless as possible. trouble is when its painless, its often because i numb myself to the world around me... and then the pain just comes out later. i think i'm getting good at delaying emotion, but i suppose its not real healthy to do.

i wish i could drive to the ocean. sit on the beach. journal out all my thoughts and prayers. and find peace. God and i often had many heart to hearts on the shoreline.

next week is going to be hard on me. i don't know that i'm ready to handle it all, especially with the way i woke up feeling this morning... and maybe that's where part of the loss of joy is coming from. knowing that in less than a week, i'm going to be an outsider looking in to do a job with music i can appreciate, but that i'm not really into. maybe i can find a way to numb myself just for a week and then go back to caring. we'll see.

learn to love the ways you are, beautiful and broken heart... thank you lovedrug for being a constant and beautiful inspiration. your music has and will always be a mix of my own life and emotions put into an art form.

2011-08-13T22:05:00.002-04:00

Some proof that every now and then i do dress up and enjoy it! :) had a great time celebrating with Ashley and Joe and their family and friends today!

pandamoranda...

2011-08-12T10:40:00.000-04:00

yep, back to lovedrug inspired titles to my blog! haha.

is it weird to think that one person, in so many aspects still yet a stranger, can bring so much joy into another's life? can that same person make the other want to be a better, more sensitive person?

i've been amazed recently by how true this can be. at a time when i was falling back into something so comfortable, yet volatile to my own emotions, it seems that God has brought me a glow of moonlight. :) this beautiful person has brought such a joy to my heart that i find it hard not to smile and stay positive. interesting, to say the least. for a deeply emotional and dark person to find a sense of hope, is refreshing. and while i know this may not last forever, i'll enjoy this person as long as the Lord gives me. :) amazing people are hard to come by these days, so i feel very blessed to have run across one!

i know i depend a lot on my circumstances to bring happiness into my life, but ultimately i do know that God is the source of it all... and at a time when i could be falling back into depression and letting my emotions get to me because of recent circumstances, better ones seem to be trumping the bad.

the chill in the morning air is causing my mind to drift away to autumn... a season that is getting so close and bringing an added joy to my heart as well! the thought of baking things with apples and pumpkins and all that comes with this amazing time of year gets me so excited. and yes, lovedrug will become a daily part of my life for the next 2 1/2 months! but that's not a bad thing at all. and with new music coming from them, i have even more to be happy about.

i hope that as the days continue on and fall draws ever closer, that this joy in my heart will continue to grow along with this friendship... and that all the things i love about this time of year will be magnified!

we will sing to a world reborn...

2011-07-06T18:55:00.000-04:00

sometimes it just takes a road trip to put life back into perspective. i had a great time traveling with friends, seeing old friends and meeting new ones... it was perfect, but way too short.

now i find myself back at camp and trying to balance camp life with the dreams that are floating around in my head... so many thoughts of creativity have erupted in my brain as of late. the hardest part is putting it all on paper to make sense of patterns.

i also learned some things about myself and my friends and i feel that many things even there have been put into perspective and settled in my mind. crazy how a few extra days can do that.

i think i'm already planning a trip to texas for the fall? or next spring. depends on when my table gets done ;) but it should be a great time and i can't wait. seriously, this table hasn't even been made yet, but knowing that i'm going to get a mpk original makes me super excited!!

i really am happy as of this moment. life is good and i know pray that friendships that were started could continue to grow and flourish. maybe oh sleeper will be like the new underoath in my life? maybe. i suppose no one will quite fill those shoes, but it is a great feeling to know that new connections are being made that help me continue to support bands in the scene. :) that was such a big part of my life, and is a part of my life that i still hold a passion for. not just the music and the bands, but the kids that relate to the hardcore/metal family. every time i go to show i am drawn back in, and each time i tell myself, this time i'm going to stay more involved. well... maybe its time for me to live up to that. maybe this new connection with oh sleeper is a way to not only support a band i love, but a scene that was once so dear to my heart. its true that you can never get it out of your blood. and maybe that's not such a bad thing...

pure imagination...

2011-06-21T16:27:00.000-04:00

when i got home from work last night, i found a package waiting for me on the kitchen table... i knew right away what it was and got super excited! it was my cover cd from LOVEDRUG. Love these boys and their music! but that is nothing new to anyone who may actually read this blog. haha.

and speaking of lovedrug. this weekend i had made plans to hang out with a couple of my friends, so i posted something about what we were doing on twitter and facebook, and to my surprise, received a comment from j.m. gifford!! it was about the movie super 8. so i asked him if it was worth seeing in imax, to which he replied, "i totally would." it was because of that comment that i chose to pay the extra couple bucks and see it on imax and boy was i glad i did!! not only was this a great movie and probably my favorite of the summer, but seeing it in imax was the best and so was seeing the trailer for the final harry potter movie... i'm seeing that one on imax too. :)

we are the new breed...

2011-06-16T09:24:00.000-04:00

ok, been listening to oh, sleeper all week. :) its one of the few things keeping me sane as we come to a close on our first week of camp. that and knowing that on saturday i get to hang out with mantel and jrose and finally see super 8!!

i was reflecting last night on my drive home from camp how different things can be only one year later. last summer was all about me and what i wanted camp to be, i was very selfish and realize now how my actions affected more than just me... this summer everything is different. we have a great group of summer staff, and i'm finding much joy in getting to know them. i'm also excited to have one of my dear friends here for fishing camp. its amazing to see how God will allow us to have the desires of our heart even if He knows its not what's best for us... and then teach us through the process that those desires we had, when not centered around God first, can be destructive.

the enemy is crafty, and he knows how to strike at our weaknesses, but allowing yourself to see that and move past it and claim the promises of God in our lives, brings such freedom. i'm finding that what i once thought was so fun, actually was killing me on the inside... the pain of breaking away from sin can sometimes feel unbearable, but i can honestly say that it holds no joy for me anymore, and i would rather have friendships built on trust and purity than the sin that can so easily ensnare us.

its been a long road to surrender and finally let God have control of this area in my life, and now i just wish i would have been able to do this a bit sooner. i'm so thankful to have had some amazing men of God in my life this past year that have helped me see that following God is so much more rewarding than the temperamental pleasures of sin.

some of my friendships were hollow and void of life because i built them on false hope. all the attention in the world was never going to be enough to satisfy me because those friendships were void of God... now my friendships are healthy and fulfilling because God is at the center of them. its sooooo refreshing!

a life lived souled out to God is still the best life worth living. i'm glad He is helping me rediscover that and in the midst blessing me with friends that help keep me accountable. :)

as i sit and look at the summer before me i am super excited for the new friendships being formed and for all the cool ways that God is at work!

i'm looking forward to seeing oh sleeper and emery and hopefully underoath this summer. i could use a few good shows and seeing some old friends to keep my spirits high and to keep me from burn out. :)

i can sense another blog post coming on about music... but still want to formulate some of those thoughts first.

until then, please check out oh, sleeper!!

we were owls

2011-06-08T15:50:00.000-04:00

so a couple of days ago i received my lovedrug sweatshirt! very excited to finally have it, although the weather has been a bit warm for sweatshirts lately...

my theme for this summer is going to be balance. after working way too many hours last year, i've decided i need to take better care of myself and to protect from burnout. so far, so good. but our first summer camp has not yet started...

i'm really enjoying having all of our summer staff here and the life that each one of them adds to this camp! i love hearing their stories and seeing them having fun! Its going to be a great summer!

today, i weighed myself. haven't done that in about a week or so. and to my surprise, i had lost 5 lbs. in order to try and be healthier, my sister and i have taken to walking 4 miles 3 to 4 days a week. all this mixed with a diet low in fat and full of veggies has brought me to a weight that i have not experienced since junior high. its so nice to buy clothes that are half the size i once was and to feel healthy and happy. its not always easy to start, but the result is well worth the effort in the end. :)

todays blog is going to be a bit random, but that's how my mind works, so i suppose its fine for me and the few people who read this. haha.

plus i'm listening to the pirates of the caribbean soundtract (curse of the black pearl) and realizing that if i had to pick a soundtrack for my life it would be this. a little dark and mysterious and full of adventure!

over the past 4 weekends i've seen 3 movies. thor, pirates on stranger tides, and most recently, X-men first class. so far they have all been great summer fun, and i'm still looking forward to many more to come. most notably, super 8, harry potter and winnie the pooh.

a life lived with no regrets is the best and only way to live life. i'm learning that again this summer. to put the past hurts and pains behind me and just to enjoy each moment as it is given and if in the end i am left with a void, at least i have some great memories to remember. plus i think when you know change is coming to a friendship it makes it easier to prepare for. and its not that the friendship is gone, just that it moves on to new chapters that can be exciting for all.

right now my mind is being distracted by fall family day and thinking about the awesome time of year that comes each october! best time of year by far! and i'm planning some new things for this year to help it be just a little bit different and better than the year before.

i think i have an obsession with recipes and cooking. haha. it makes me happy to cook for others, and one day it will make me happy to cook for a family of my own :)

whats left of me is yours to keep...

2011-05-31T09:41:00.000-04:00

first day back to work after a wonderful 5 day weekend and quickly i'm reminded why i don't like to take time off. i just keep reminding myself to breathe. my music of choice has been blessthefall and underoath.

the day is starting to get better, however, mostly because i was catching myself up on twitter feeds and saw one that made my heart smile... it was like God knew i needed that tiny bit of cheering up, even if it didn't come the way i was expecting.
God has blessed me with a pretty amazing friend. :)

and its really hard to stay in a bad mood when i'm listening to underoath. they too make my heart smile :)

it seemed that i had so much more to say when i arrived at work this morning and now... my mind isn't processing those thoughts into a writable form, which is probably for the best. its going to be a very busy week.

ghost by your side...

2011-05-12T10:38:00.000-04:00

this morning i awoke from a dream only to wish that i was still dreaming it, and as i drove myself to work, listening to Thursday's newest album No Devolusion, and being surrounded by the stormy looking skies, it felt as though i was still dreaming - driving on a road that had no ending... only when my car reached the camp, reality sunk in and here i am wishing i could get back to that moment... that feeling of freedom.

i suppose maybe i hadn't dreamed i took a road trip to cali, then maybe i wouldn't be in this mood of escape to an unknown destination.

getting to work didn't make my day any less weird... i've been putting off dealing with something that i'm eventually going to have to face.

and i've been reminded of old friends and how much fun they had brought to my life at one time and hoping that things can change to make them more a part of my everyday life again. :)

i'm realizing that sometimes my lack of friends isn't because people don't want to be, but because i often push them away... or don't put the effort into keeping in touch. i admit, i've been pretty bad at this over the past few years, and i'm hoping to get better at it. its time to stop letting past hurts keep me from living the life that God has called me to live. its time to lay the past to rest and focus on the amazing life that i've truly been given. life is too short to let the past keep us from enjoying it. i think sometimes we live with the pain, because its something familiar, something we understand, even if we don't like it. we are afraid to venture into the future, because its an unknown world that may hurt us and break our hearts again... over the past month or so, i've learned to embrace the unknown. i think that's a part of what my dream and the feeling i had were about as i drove to work this morning. there is a longing in my heart for the unknown and i'm finally ready to follow that road and stop looking back. its such a freeing time in my life right now!

as i get ready to head into another summer, i hold no expectations, no pre-made thoughts of how it should be, so that i can enjoy each moment for what it is, rather than dwell on disappointment because its not what i had hoped for.

anyway, that is my rant for today... i'm still feeling very much in a dream like state... almost like my spirit is still following that road even though my body is sitting at my desk typing this. maybe when i dream tonight my spirit will tell me where its been. haha. (i'd like to think that God could take us on trips through the spirit realm while our bodies stay fixed in the world we see around us)

in red

2011-05-09T09:33:00.000-04:00

so this weekend i was planning to go and see a couple of movies, however my plans changed when i learned that i could wait and go see those movies with a friend. :)

so what did i do with my day instead? i went shopping and decided that i would make my mom some fat-free vegan brownies for mother's day.

i would say that over the past 5 or 6 years of being a vegetarian, i've started to learn how to really be more healthy in my eating habits. the one thing i never really liked about a lot of the vegan recipes i'd find is that they just replaced the butter with a vegan oil. this to me seemed to defeat the purpose and i saw no real added value in it, until recently that is. i stumbled onto a fat-free vegan blog and thought, this is what i've been looking for! these recipes don't just replace fat for fat, they eliminate most of it completely!

all this to say that as i find more ways to eat healthy as a vegan, i could try it again. i find that when it comes to food, i'm able to make changes and stick with them pretty easily. for instance, because of my little trip to the er this past december, i no longer drink caffeine. this was a huge step for me, as i loved coffee! but when being healthy can be a strong motivating factor.

about 2 weeks ago, i began to feel a change. i contribute this to God working at healing both mind and body, and that my body is finally adjusting to life without caffeine. i have more energy than i have in a long time and i'm feeling great!

anyway, the brownies. i've always wondered about using tofu in baking, and this recipe gave me the perfect time to try it. the brownies turned out very fudge like and moist. and for being a fat free brownie, i know that it would satisfy the craving. i mean there is still no substitute for the real thing, but i could be happy with this change. i attempted to use the leftover tofu to make a frosting to drizzle over the brownies, but it ended up more like pudding. so now i'm just eating that with a spoon.

one of the biggest changes to my diet lately is trying to cut out many of the processed food and sugars that we all seem to consume way too much of. and it helps because my sister is starting to think (and eat) more like me too, so we can share recipes and such.

with summer approaching, i'm excited to try an array of recipes that focus on veggies grown in our own garden. there is nothing like a fresh tomato, corn, peas or zucchini...

last summer i remember thinking i was going to try a raw vegan diet, but this summer i think i'm just going to try more of a fat-free vegan diet. this could get tricky at work, but i think it will be well worth the effort. and someday i hope that i can pass along these new found eating habits to a family of my own. it really does make me excited to cook for other people.

next on my list will be some banana cookies... and i think i will pull out that chocolate peanut butter pie for my dad on fathers day.

happy apple poison

2011-04-26T08:42:00.000-04:00

last night i had the weirdest dream... i was a part of the scream 4 movie, but as i was running from the one trying to get me, i noticed that i became one of the people watching the movie as well, and decided to walk out because i didn't like the movie... well trying to leave the movie was another story because once i got outside there was a man who stopped me from getting into my car and the only thing i could do to get away was to run back into the theater. but by this time the theater was over run by zombies and it was all any one could do to stay away from them... i was awoken by my alarm somewhere in the middle of trying to get away.

seems that my dreams are becoming more theatrical again, instead of just me hanging out with people. i've hung out with some interesting people in my dreams lately too.. james franco, for one. haha. and that was before i watched the movie 127 hours, which by the way was a brutally great movie. there were parts that i just couldn't watch, but the artistry and the way they told the story were in my opinion brilliant.

i'm thinking it would be kinda fun to keep a dream journal, just to see how crazy the worlds are in which i escape to when my body is sleeping...

i'm listening to beach house and it seems kind of perfect for this gloomy rainy day, which makes me happy today. i do like a good rainy day, and right now it seems to reflect the mood in my heart. and not that that is a bad thing, i'm not depressed or anything like that, just appreciating the grey clouds and rain. and hopefully there will be a thunderstorm or two thrown into the mix.

my thoughts and prayers are with all of those who have been caught in the path of all these storms and destruction. maybe we are closer to the end that i would like to believe...

so much to do this week as we prepare for kick-off... but its nice to get away from my computer now and then. its like preparing for a big party! and i suppose in a way that is true because we are celebrating 100 years at Bay Shore.

head down...

2011-04-18T14:30:00.000-04:00

more than half-way through the month of april and its still snowing. a part of me is beginning to think that spring and summer are never going to arrive. its kind of a depressing thought, but i'm finding it hard to believe otherwise. i suppose this is where having a little faith in God and the changing of the seasons comes in.

i've been noticing my dreams again lately. the other night i even remember dreaming within my dreams. its been awhile since that happened. and i'm sure it was sparked by seeing that it was nicky alice's birthday, and being reminded of him... but i think part of it is just sparked from my curiosity of dreams. what if our dreams were really windows into a spirit world parallel to us that we can only visit when we are asleep. to me it kind of melds the thoughts of a parallel universe in which we all have doubles and the spiritual realm all around us. (yes, fringe is to thank for some of these thoughts)

i'm sure our dreams are just the bi-products of our imaginations and the capacity of our mind to create new worlds in which time, space and gravity seem to hold no sway. but ever since my dad told me about a book he read, i've been intrigued by thoughts about what our dreams really are.

i find that when i miss my friends i often dream about hanging out with them. these are the dreams that seem so real, i have to remind myself they never happened when i wake up.

sometimes i wonder how to account for the people in my dreams that i've never seen before. do we make them up in our mind by combining elements of those we have seen, or do we really see other people we have just not met yet.

i'm not really sure why my mind is thinking all of these thoughts lately. haha.

listening to more lovedrug today. i really can't wait until i can hear the finished product of their cd! and i hear they are releasing a cover album too! so awesome. can't wait for that one either.

two more days of work this week and then a 4 day weekend! i am so looking forward to this. getting to play the easter bunny is always fun, however, if the weather doesn't warm up a bit, its going to be a cold egg hunt.

thieving

2011-04-04T11:59:00.000-04:00

grey skies all around. looks like more rain. our first thunderstorms of the season came last night around 3am. definitely woke me up... i get excited over storms. its beautiful to watch nature at work, even when it can be destructive.

hopefully this will be a turning point for spring!

i am almost finished with harry potter and the goblet of fire. and then i can check one more book off my list from two summers ago. i know, i'm such a slow reader, but i started the list the summer i did not live at camp, then last summer there was no time for anything like that - i barely even watched movies... this summer however, i plan to spend a bit more time away from camp when i'm not working and thus, read more books while enjoying beautiful summer sunshine and warm breezes!

strange heart

2011-04-01T10:20:00.001-04:00

i killed a bird with my car on the way to work today... and 4 more came close to the same fate. i've had many near misses, but this is the first one in a long time that actually couldn't get out of the way. i'm not sure what it is about my car, or the way i drive that seems to attract birds to be daring and fly out in front of me, but they do... the one difference i noticed today though, was my reaction. usually, it doesn't bother me, but today it did. and then it made me think of how we kill animals just for our own eating pleasure and it made me a bit sad... not only that i had killed the bird, but that so many animals die because we don't care.

i've been a vegetarian for around 10 years or so... and i don't have any problems with people who eat meat, its just for me over the course of not eating meat, i've discovered in myself that i would have a hard time eating anything now that was once alive... except for fish. for some reason, i don't think the same about fish. haha.

its been interesting to see how my mind set changes. and i would still say that i'm a veg because its a much healthier way to eat, and not because of animal rights or anything like that.

i do enjoy the challenge of creating healthier desserts and meals. this weekend i will make some more cookies - hopefully trying another new recipe.

i think i will also enjoy a nice weekend baking, reading my harry potter book, doing some shopping and treating myself to the new jake gyllenhaal movie, source code. and of course, watching amazing race with my family on sunday.

im finding that there is a lot on my mind lately... i should journal it out, but i just can't bring myself to write about it, in any form. maybe this weekend.

i suppose, i just need to let go and place it all in God's hands and not worry so much about what i should or shouldn't have done differently. we can't go back and change the past, the trouble i sometimes have is letting go and moving on. there are sooo many things to be thankful for in my life right now. great friends, great family and a great job.

i took a walk around the camp this morning placing brochures in our buildings and its getting me excited for this summer! especially baseball/softball camp!

i'm glad its the weekend. and i can't wait to put up our screen tent and to plant our garden (two things i missed out on last summer)

spiders...

2011-03-31T08:28:00.000-04:00

today is going to be a long day... work will not end for me until around 10pm. thankfully its the end of the week. and hopefully this weekend i'll get to hang out with friends.

on my drive to work this morning i was noticing how the clouds were thick and heavy over most of the sky, except in one small spot, that was oddly enough shaped like an eye. the sun was bright and direct as it came through the clouds and looked like a fiery eye. its rays piercing through like that of a gaze you cannot break free from.

then the eye seemed to close and i was left with the feeling of being in a room with a dimly lit light on a ceiling. it was quite cool to experience how the clouds could form such a barrier like a wall or a box with the only light coming from the top... usually in the morning the sun is rising in a horizontal fashion that blinds you as you drive... but not this morning.

then i get to work and no one is parked where they usually are... so not knowing what is going on, i join them up at the front of the office. i guess it was because of a tree being trimmed.

so the start to this day has been and interesting one to say the least.

miss california

2011-03-30T09:39:00.000-04:00

beginning my day with soundtracks from the harry potter movies...

today i am trying to fishing what i began creating yesterday in flash. i'm no artist by any means, but i feel that learning about animations in flash and how to utilize them for our website will be a good thing! I just wish all this website stuff would come naturally instead of being like learning a foreign language. i suppose that which tests us only makes us stronger in the end...

lunch times have been so nice and peaceful lately. its just me and a book. right now that book is harry potter and the goblet of fire. (probably why i am so into listening to the soundtracks too) its just a great escape for a half and hour to be able to read a chapter and put aside all of my work duties. to find that one time during the day where my focus can be on something other than camp. and i'm finding that it helps me come back to my afternoons more focused.

sometimes i wish i had the ability to understand why people make the decisions they do... or that they would give explanations and not just the "because i said so" line. i don't mind the decisions if i know the reasoning behind them. i suppose i've always been that way, even as a kid. haha. tell me why and i'm much happier to do it.

the snow is slowly melting and the birds are such a nice sound to hear in the mornings. it looks like spring outside, but the temperatures just aren't quite there yet..

yesterday i received my book of art by tim burton! its been a long time since i got that excited over a book! haha. but its great. and sometimes i think that its what people say about tim in the book that makes it truly wonderful. yes, the art is awesome... but its the man behind the art that makes it what it is. this has sparked me to a tim burton movie marathon, starting back with beetle juice. i noticed i am missing a few movies, so i'll have to work on that, but i was quite pleased to learn that i had most of them.

sweeny todd still stands as one of my favorites. from the music to the costumes and imagery, to the great actors that played the parts so well... its one of the great examples of the collaboration of tim burton and johnny depp. (in my opinion)

pink champagne

2011-03-28T08:46:00.000-04:00

i can't believe that march is almost over. time is flying by sooo fast. and while, yes, i want nice warm spring weather, i also want time to go slowly. there are so many good things happening in life right now that i just want each day to take its sweet old time so i can truly appreciate all of it.

the tracker on my fed ex package says that tomorrow my Tim Burton book should be arriving to my house! i am soooo excited for this book. Tim Burton has a way of creating images in a way that i just relate to. dark, beautiful, and weird. He has a brilliant mind for art. sometimes i wonder what would happen if you put lovedrug to work doing music for one of his movies. i would love it! haha.

i love getting updates from lovedrug while they are in the studio. :)

this weekend i went shopping. its hard to look forward to spring when you don't have any clothes that really fit you anymore. haha. and i find that if you pray before you shop, you get better results. haha!

saturday was such a perfect day. the sun was shining, i was having a good day shopping, yellowcard was playing as my soundtrack and it just felt like spring, even if the temperatures weren't quite following suit. one of the best parts about my day was running into my cousin at old navy. it had been over a year since we last saw each other, and yet, it seemed like time had stood still in some aspects. i love my cousin dearly and seeing him so soo good for my soul! put a smile on my face and reassured me that all was ok!

we even got on the topic of lovedrug and their campaign to raise funds for the studio. he is a musician as well, so it was great to be able to share with him about supporting my favorite band... and i think gave him some ideas for putting out a cd of his own! which would be amazing and is something i think he should have done a long time ago. haha.

the only part of my weekend that made me sad was finding out mantel was sick.

oh and did i mention it was a great weekend for college basketball! the games were so good. and i loved seeing an 11 seed beat a number 1 seed. what a great game. i like to see the teams that no one expects to do much, win their games and continue advance.

here's to staying positive this week, to getting lots of work done, to learning new things and to spending time with family and friends!

pretend you're alive

2011-03-24T14:21:00.000-04:00

the sun has finally decided to show its face, for what looks like a pretty good ending to a morning full of snow.

i enjoyed a nice snow day yesterday and received notice that my book of art by tim burton had been shipped. unfortunately i won't get it until next week... i am super excited about this book. deb once got me the illustrated book for a nightmare before christmas, which had tim burton's artwork/sketches for the movie in it. it was such a perfect gift! so this year, after getting my tax refund, i decided to treat myself to a full collection of his art. i'm a big fan!

i'm also excited to be getting updates from the studio as LOVEDRUG records their new cd. it makes me so happy to know that they are able to continue to make music and follow their passions! i'm sure this cd will be one of their best!

today i'm working on designing a website for camp. yes, we do already have one, but for me, maintaining the existing site, is just the beginning. this of course means learning how to make a website from scratch, but i suppose i'm up to that challenge right now.
step one: defining a site - check.
step two: picking a color scheme - check.
step three: ??? still working on that one. haha.

dancing...

2011-03-21T10:52:00.000-04:00

last night i fell asleep to the sound of rain and this morning i awoke to the sound of birds singing. sure signs that spring is here... unfortunately, the warm weather has not yet taken over from the freezing temps. soon. i'm ready for driving with the windows down!

i spent all day saturday in flint. it was a great time. coldstone, the boondock saints/all saints day, power outages, an attempt at some irish food, and just being in the company of good friends.

sometimes i wish i was easy to say the things that are on my heart... but when the good things you want to say to encourage a friend also mean opening yourself up to some pain, it becomes more difficult. i find that my mind just wants to go blank and not even process the words to say. i'm afraid that this is leading to a block in my friendship. all i want to do is open up and say what a blessing this friendship has been to me, but i just can't get the words out...

i'm beginning to work through my reading list that JRose gave me two summer's ago. it seems that reading books is a habit i would like to get back into. i suppose if i replaced some of my tv watching with reading i would get a lot further with that list. it is pretty sad that its been 2 years and i haven't made it through even half of the list. i actually missed my lazy sunday afternoons when i would sit outside and read... i think i need to make sure that happens again this year! which i suppose will be somewhat easy seeing as how i'm not planning to live all summer at the camp.

its going to be a very different time this summer. i am going to be better about the amount of hours i'm putting in and since my friends won't be at camp this year, i'll be wanting to still spend time in flint...

for as much as i want summer to come, i want time to pass slowly so that i can cherish each moment i have with mantel and jrose. it seems that time goes so quickly these days, that i don't want to wish anything away... not even to get to warmer weather. haha.

i need to go to ikea soon to pick up items for kick-off. that will be fun! i remember going shopping there last spring, only that trip was to shop for items to decorate up my cabin. boy is it weird to think of how much my life has changed since then. last year i was helping to plan our first and only project festival and dreaming about my cabin and how fun summer was going to be...

this year all i can think about is keeping up with work and hanging out in flint haha!

but in the midst of all the changes, God is good and i am so thankful and blessed.

blow up a rainbow...

2011-03-18T16:30:00.000-04:00

...seems kind of fitting of a week of st patty's day fun! and it seems that i have started a trend with my blog to only use titles or lyrics from lovedrug's songs... so can't stop now. haha.

i'm looking forward to a wonderful weekend of family and friends. its amazing to look back at only a few months ago and see how differently i thought this year would be and how happy i am that God had other plans.

letting go is not always an easy thing to do... and being hurt is never fun. but God has shown me that i'm a lot stronger than i ever thought i could be.

this winter has been one of joy and hope and much thankfulness. and i am excited about all that spring has to bring.

when life doesn't seem to make sense, start to be thankful for the little things that God brings into your life daily and i bet it will start to make a difference.

we were owls...

2011-03-17T12:55:00.000-04:00

Happy St. Patty's Day!

So excited for this holiday. its one of my favorites. and unfortunately it lands on a thursday so my celebrating has gotten moved to saturday... which isn't all bad, because it means that i can hang out all day with some great friends, watch the boondock saints movies and cook/eat irish food!

i'm also looking forward to making shamrock cookies (hopefully with my niece and sister) and having a snow free weekend!

after driving home from seeing the get up kids in detroit last thursday i've been completely over and done with snow.

its so nice to hear the birds outside my window and to know that spring is finally taking hold here in michigan.

---------------------------

and shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for Thee.
power hath descended forth from Thy hand,
that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
so we shall flow a river forth to Thee
and teeming with souls shall it ever be
in nomine patris et filii et spiritus sancti

---------------------------

everything starts where it ends...

2011-03-01T09:16:00.001-05:00

March 1...
I am ready for spring. something about the fact that the calendar now tells us its march should automatically bring warmer weather. haha. but living in michigan, we all know that the snow will not yield so quickly.

i had a great weekend, despite not feeling well. after work on saturday i met up with josh and taylor and had a great time hanging out! Seeing HTD was great and i already feel a slight sadness in my heart. 10 years of music and friendship. wow. it was good to be reminded that friendship doesn't end with the music...

i do think whatever sickness was zapping my energy and keeping me from breathing easy is finally passing. and for that i am very thankful!

i am very much looking forward to seeing rango soon and celebrating st. patty's day!

learn to love the ways you are beautiful and broken heart...

2011-02-25T16:31:00.000-05:00

so my other journal has been getting a lot of my thoughts lately because they are private thoughts for now...

i've been feeling quite sick for the past couple of days, but getting outside on this beautiful day has been a true blessing! i even have my window open just a crack so that i can get some of the fresh air into this awfully stuffy office building.

tonight i'm going to attempt to make vegan banana peanut butter bread with chocolate chips. i'm pretty excited about this recipe and i hope it turns out as amazing as it sounds.

i've also been looking for some good veggie irish recipes... my mind is already thinking ahead to st. patty's day and what i'm going to make for food when i hang out with mantel (and hopefully jrose)

its been a good day! oh and i found the coolest gloves for halloween!!! totally making them this year.

borrowed legs...

2011-02-22T10:08:00.003-05:00

driving to work this morning i was greeted by the words "think spring" on a community bulletin board and it put a smile on my face. this, after being snowed in from work for yet another day this month. old man winter, your tactics are getting tiresome. i know you still have time left on the calendar, but could you please be nice and let spring come a little early this year??

you can talk to me....

2011-02-16T16:13:00.000-05:00

just got the word that 30 seconds to mars is playing in detroit in april! (thank you dylan for the heads up) that news made my day! :) its funny too, because on saturday night chris was asking me when the last time was i went to a show that i actually paid money to see. (aka: a show other than ones my friends were playing) i told him, when i went to see lovedrug... and that show was amazing. i would even drive to nashville for their show on the 26th if i didn't have to be at work that day...

i am loving the sunshine and warm temps today. if only they would last and winter would give way to spring. but no, they will struggle now for the next month or so, going back and forth until finally at long last, spring wins out.

i find that ever since i put a lovedrug player on my blog, that i find more reasons to go to my blog each day... i hope others are doing the same.

i can't wait to be done with work for the day so that i can go home, eat dinner and enjoy another piece of my latest baking creation: chocolate (almost) vegan pie. it was so good my dad even mentioned that i should make one for our spaghetti supper at church or enter it in the auction pie contest... this means that he really liked it. i've made a note of it, so that i can pull it out for his birthday or father's day or something like that. :) it always makes me happy when my parents eat my vegan desserts and truly like them.

so my second favorite holiday is coming up soon: St. Patrick's Day and i've already begun buying fun items to wear for the day to spread a little green and irish love.

plans are in the works for a boondock saints movie day with mantel. that will be one amazing day! i'll have to think up a fun way to test out a new vegan dessert and make it green to add to our celebrations! haha.

today has been a good day. talking with dylan was great, and he's giving me some music choices to listen to :) perfect. i love getting options from people who share a similar taste in music, you know whatever they tell you will be good.

today i'm thankful for sunshine, warm temps, good friends and family, and good music ;)

is it gonna be an endless day? or just another one i'm wishing away....

2011-02-15T09:26:00.001-05:00

this morning was the first morning since winter began that i awoke to the sun rising! this made me happy, because the days are getting longer and spring is coming, of course it will probably only last until we have to reset our clocks, but i'll take it! its so much easier to get up in the morning when the sun greets you with a beautiful shade of greys, purples and reds... i'm usually one for sunsets, but sunrises can be just as amazing.

last night i decided to try and make a vegan chocolate pie... it turned out amazing!! and the only part that wasn't quite vegan, was my chocolate chips... but i'm not going to get too picky over that. it will be dessert tonight! and be added to my list of successes in vegan baking/desserts. my list is getting pretty long. i like that. after all, there have been many failed attempts over the years as well.

when i lived in chicago, i always dreamed of having a coffee shop that sold vegan baked goods, and now living in michigan with only my family and friends to share my treats with, i'm learning the art of vegan baking. its a bit ironic, but maybe one day i will get to put these skills to use in a different way. that would be fun. for now i'll just continue my baking adventures.

must keep some dreams alive, even if they look impossible to come true. that's part of what makes me who i am. i've always been able to believe God for the impossible...

i'm in the mood to watch tim burton movies...

ghost by your side...

2011-02-14T09:07:00.000-05:00

this is the first valentine's day in a long time that im actually am not sad about celebrating. probably because i got to make cookies for my friends and hang out and spend an amazing weekend with them... it was a perfect weekend in so many ways.

i suppose its because a part of me learned that life is too short to be so centered on myself and what i do or don't have. life is much more enjoyable when you are blessing others. and i think that is what's making the difference in me this year. i did things for other people. celebrating friends can be just as nice as celebrating a boyfriend/relationship.

tonight i'm going to make a chocolate pie for my family! it will be another one of my vegan experiments in cooking, but i'm excited to try it. the joy that is found in cooking is definitely when others get to enjoy your hard work!

my valentine's day song for the day is the title of this post by Lovedrug. and speaking of Lovedrug, like i do in so many of my posts, i just added their songs to my blog, so now everyone can enjoy listening to them!

its hard to believe that the snow is melting, makes me feel a touch of spring in the air! i'll take the rain any day over snow... but i have a feeling this year i just might have to invest in a pair of boots to save my shoes from the mud.

oh, and i just read about radiohead releasing a new cd on the 19th! best news of my day so far.

lets start again...

2011-02-11T23:01:00.000-05:00

cookies turned out well... but I found that since I had been doing so much vegan baking that I was lacking a few things to make normal sugar cookies. thankfully my sis came to the rescue! its been a good night so far. plans have been made for tomorrow and I'm excited for all the days possibilities :-)

I still have lovedrug songs from their EP part III stuck in my head. I listen to it at least twice a day! my favorite song off of it so far is blow up a rainbow. it makes me long for a warm breeze on a summer day... and being able to dance barefoot on the soft green grass.

fringe, friends, music and thai food....

2011-02-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

these are things i hope my weekend will consist of! I have been very blessed lately with some amazing friends... its so refreshing at times to be reminded of what that's like. and that's not to say that i don't have other amazing friends, just that right now life is centering around a few people. The funniest part about it too, is that they are not from michigan originally. we all have ties to chicago... I wonder if there is something to that?? anyway, i'm happy and life is good right now. its not anything like i imagined it would be this year, but, where i thought i would be disappointed about that, i'm actually genuinely happy. stepping back from situations always help you see them for what they really were and not what you had dreamed them up to be. reality hurts, but at times is necessary for balance in our lives.

tonight i am simply looking forward to some baking, a new episode of Fringe, and a good nights sleep. tomorrow i'm looking forward to hanging out with some amazing people and hearing some amazing music!! getting to take jrose and mantel with me to see underoath and meet chris makes me very happy! i love it when i can share those kinds of memories with friends. and who's excited to hear thursday play full collapse in its entirety live??? ME!! it will bring back old memories of chicago days, which makes me even more excited to share the experience with friends with chicago ties that go back to those days!

sunday i look forward to sleeping in and family time. i am a bit sad that there won't be any football to watch, but i suppose i can find something else to do instead....

today at work has even been good. i learned something new about the website, created some hot spots and am seeing that it might not be as scary as i thought. its still going to be a lot to learn, but i'm hopeful that i can do it.

now its time to head home and get this weekend started!
love to all!!

blow up a rainbow...

2011-02-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

i love that the sun has been shining all week. its amazing that even though it is freezing outside the sun gives you that sense that it is still warm... at least until you walk out the door and have to wait for a freezing car to warm up, which thankfully happens pretty fast in my car!

i am definitely ready for spring! this white wonderland is nice, but i'm ready for warm breezes and green grass and being barefoot.

tear drops in the well....

2011-02-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

i think its a rarity in life to find a group of musicians that write music in a way that moves you each time you hear it. this is how i look at the group Lovedrug and is probably the reason that above all other bands they have remained my favorite. I have listen to their music since they first started out, and with each new song/album i grow more in love with their music. i find such a deep and dark beauty in each song from the lyrics to the arrangements. and seeing them live has never been a disappointment. i shut my eyes and allow the music to drift me away into a different place in time. i only wish they lived closer so that i could hear them play live more often...

their music is timeless and its a shame that people may miss out on it. to know me and to be my friend is to know Lovedrug. and the best part? i haven't met anyone yet that hasn't liked them.

i was so happy to take part in their "I am Lovedrug" campaign. to know that i and so many others helped support them so that they could continue to write amazing music is the coolest ever!

there is a passion to their music that allows you to feel the emotion of it whether through the music itself or the lyrics being sung... there is a realness... nothing is sugar coated.... its bare, its raw, its people writing music for the love of music, for the purpose of moving people and inspiring people. when i found out why they named themselves Lovedrug, it made me appreciate them even more. and it keeps me going towards the passions that i hold true in my heart.

to see a band that has gone through so much and yet continues to write amazing music should inspire us all. i think that is why i relate to them... sometimes its ok to speak of the darkness in our souls because out of it can come something beautiful. there is always hope. there is always love. we just have to chose it.

sometimes i feel like if they stopped writing music a part of me would go missing too. hopefully one day they will know how much i love and appreciate their creativity and their music.

if i was stuck on a desert island with only one band that i could listen to for the rest of my days, it would be Lovedrug.

you're beautiful alone but with so much to give to the world... so why not let em in?

2011-02-07T08:41:00.000-05:00

it was a challenge to wake up this morning.... why? because i was having an amazing dream that i did not want to wake up from and face reality. maybe it was just a glimpse of a different kind of happiness... or maybe it was just a good way to end a pretty amazing weekend. life has taken very drastic turns in the past couple of months concerning my friends. those that i thought would always be there have moved on and others that i wasn't expecting have filled in the voids. but i'm happy with the way things are turning out. i'm learning what true friendship looks like and its a beautiful thing that i wouldn't trade for the world. its amazing how friendships i once thought meant so much have fizzled to nothing more than a memory, and interestingly enough, its at those times when you realize that even as deep as the friendship once went, it was still very surface level - someone more interesting comes along and you are left alone. i suppose that is what is so great about the people that are filling my life right now outside of my family. they are people who care.

that's what my dream reflected last night. it reflected that building of friendships with people who care to get to know you and be a part of your life. i'm tired of feeling used by people who are supposed to be your friend.

so its time to let go of some friendships and move on and be true to myself and the people that are important to me. which the older i get the smaller that number becomes, but thats ok too.
friends come and go. i used to be good at handling that wave as it came and out, and i'm learning to not be sad anymore when it leaves... rolling back out to sea to find a life away from mine. i still believe that all things have a purpose behind them, and i'm trying hard to take the pain with the joy and to push on to all that this life still holds in store for me. i'm excited about the future, and the adventures i am yet to have. maybe one day i'll look back on some of the pain and see how it actually helped to free me from my past.

just because people don't show emotion that often does not mean they can't break. thankfully i'm a lot stronger than i ever dreamed and have picked up pieces and glued myself back together. not sure that i'm going to be too quick to let friends/people break me again, so if you're in, thanks for being one of the people to show they care.

i'm still looking for my next adventure. you know how much a pirate needs a good adventure now and then! haha. i really want to go to nashville for a bit and to visit the world of harry potter at universal in florida. maybe its time i started planning a road trip adventure. i think i'm in desperate need of one. who knows maybe if i get to nashville i'll run into the one that inspired this post by being in my dream last night...

all this to say that life is about love. maybe we should stop being so selfish and learn to show a little more love to the people in the world around us.

in division

2010-09-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

i am so thankful to have the new underoath single to listen to today... its just playing over and over on repeat because it fits my mood lately.

i feel like a proud parent to have been with them from the beginning. to watch them grow as people and musicians. its a beautiful thing. this new album will be what i believe to date, their best. it was very hard for me to see aaron leave the band, but i know that its for the best. i love them all and only wish the best for them. to know that when i see underoath perform aaron will not be there is sad, but i can still find opportunities to see him on the road, and that makes me happy.

its nice to feel that some of my friendships have lasted and not fallen apart. but its that whole family thing. when God does the connecting it doesn't matter what life throws at you, you know that when you see those friends, you still mean something to them.

now if i could only figure out how to get thru to that point with some of my more recent friendships i'd be all set.

does it feel like home....

2010-08-23T08:40:00.000-04:00

its been a crazy weekend, but so good. The Project Festival has come and gone and what a great time! I suppose it really made me miss booking and promoting shows, and not just the shows, but working with the bands and blessing them and building connections and friendships.
I couldn't have asked for a better line up of bands! They were all amazing and it was great getting to know all of them.

my week is going to be a packed one. there is a possibility of a small road trip for an afternoon... lots of work to be done finishing up a book for the CMA Rally... Gospel... moving out of my cabin... and there is sure to be things I'm over looking.

I've got two more rounds at the candy store and then I hope this will finally be the end of it! I can't take much more. Especially when I need to be getting things done and ready for Gospel and CMA.

-------------------------------------------------------

so sometimes i really need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself. in my old age i get bolder and my analytical which is not a good combination. haha. i am very thankful for the people that understand me when i'm like that and over look my craziness. haha. they are few and far between but they know who they are and i'm very thankful for their friendship.

one of those people is coming to michigan this week and i hope i can see them one of the days that they are around. if i work a few extra hours in the next couple of days maybe it will happen! a mini road trip would be great. especially to see a great friend!

i think i actually need to go and write in my real journal though. many thoughts are going thru my mind today! and i know if i don't write them out soon, there will be no sleeping tonight! haha.

Reveries of Flight....

2010-08-20T11:12:00.000-04:00

A sound ahead from distant peaks, a song that all my brothers sing.
It's just out of reach, to join them I need, the wings the heavens denied me.

It's like you're deaf to my voice, but I've been here for every moment, waiting on your call to move.
If you could just make a choice,
I know you would find me wanting only to be close to you.

"You keep denying my lead!
Because I've tried, I've never pulled back my reach, and I've stayed and I've died, but you keep looking for me where I'm not.
I won't be just where you want me to be.
You've got to believe and just trust that I can be everything."

It's like you're deaf to my voice
"but I'm not!"
I've been here for every moment
"and I've fought"
waiting on your call to move
"just call to move"
if you could just make a choice
"oh I have"
I know you would find me wanting
"I just want..."
only to be close to you
"all of you."

If you would just try and let (me) pry all your grips on worries,
I would come alive in your life and let you find the flight you're longing.

-thank you Oh, Sleeper for such a great song!

end of summer blues....

2010-08-19T11:29:00.001-04:00

that's right. summer has come and gone and barely feels like it was here at all. but with the end of August brings our Project Festival, moving out of my cabin, Gospel Music Fest, and getting ready for the CMA Rally.

work keeps me busy as always. its always so weird to see where i was at this point in time last year. the people that were or weren't in my life and how far God has brought me. its really pretty amazing to sit back and look at the events that have unfolded over the past year of my life.

i'm still at Bay Shore. still with my family. and happy.

i'm learning not to question, but just to trust. and to focus on serving God where he has me instead of wondering whats next.

i'm excited about the fall. its my favorite time of year, with the colors and smells and weather....

i've already begun my constant rotation of LOVEDRUG on itunes. not that they don't frequent my itunes on a regular basis as it is, but there is just something about their first cd especially that fits with the moods of Autumn.

one thing that God has taught me this summer is that i'm not alone any more. God has answered my prayers in ways that i may not have understood but am beginning to see in an amazing new way.

i may not have a lot of friends, like i used to, but the ones that have stuck by me and recently entered my life are ones that i feel so blessed to have. its rare that people have one really good friend, and here i find myself with 3 or 4. and at one point it was hard to see this as a good thing, but i truly am blessed.

my mind has struggled a lot lately with whether or not to grow this circle of friends. i've come to the conclusion though that over the past few years i've wanted to know if certain things were God's will, and funny enough, on this one i feel like he wants me to make the decision. either way its a step of faith because i'm not to know the outcome.

i suppose that is a part of our free will. and that in many cases God does not choose for us to know the future, but to remain faithful to Him and trust that He will guide our steps and that when we stop to look back, we will see an amazing road of God moments in our lives. sure there are certain things we can plan for our future, but its still up to God to fill in the details.

all is lost for us if heaven fails....

2010-08-18T08:53:00.000-04:00

i love it when God answers your prayers in ways unexpected. especially when some of them have been prayers of the deepest part of your soul for months.

now these answers came out of pain and brokenness and at a point of giving up. things i should have learned by now, but i'm stubborn, so it often takes me longer to learn/see what God is trying to show me, because in order to see Him, first I must empty myself of me...

its amazing to me to see that no matter how stubborn i am though that God never gives up and at just the right moment shows what you need to know to keep you going in the direction of His will.

i'm thankful that God has made me a spontaneous, fly by the seat of your pants kind of girl. it works for most things. like i generally don't have a problem going where God wants me to my struggles come in trusting God with my relationships with friends.

i always want to see a purpose in all that i do, and sometimes you don't always get that with the people that God brings into your life, at least not right off the bat. sometimes it takes a while to actually see the purpose.

everything starts where it ends:
fitting that this is one of my favorite lovedrug songs, but its true that when we get to the point of full surrender we can finally start to live.

i've learned thru disappointment that its not so much about where you are going, or what ministry you are working with but how you portray Yeshua to the world around you. strive to love and put others ahead of yourself and i believe you will find yourself in the midst of where God wants you to be.

i've always been a dreamer and one that will jump into something if i feel even the slightest pull that this is what God wants. why? because i trust that He will use me where i'm at and that He will take care of me. i think life is too short to be too concerned with where to go, so i look at everything as an adventure. probably why i love pirates so much. and the thought of calling the road home. i've always had a hard time thinking that i should settle down in one spot because i like the freedom to be able to go.

God has restored balance to my life recently and with that balance has come joy. i often times speak of a disturbance in the force or the universe being out of whack when certain things happen. but there is nothing like the feeling that the world has been righted and life is spinning in the right direction again.

time for a new post....

2010-08-11T13:18:00.001-04:00

yes, it seems like its been awhile since i've even logged into this blog, but as i sit at my desk, my home away from home, it seems... i'm reminded of how work never really gives me a break, just a change in duties. i had kind of liked not spending so much time on the computer this summer, getting to let some of my other talents take shape in doing sound and helping with some of our summer camps. its so awesome to see all the hard work and creativity our deans and staff put into their camps and how each one in their own unique ways reach out to the kids who attend them.

i was very blessed to have been able to be a closer part of a few of them this year. our ministry is about the people and yes, you have to still take care of the daily ins and outs of running a camp, but its always such a blessing when you can see God at work in the lives of others.

its been a crazy busy summer, but i have survived and look forward to now putting my creative mind to work at creating many brochures and promotional materials. its going to be a busy fall season, but hopefully in the midst of all of that i can find some time to relax and maybe even use up my 2 weeks of vacation. haha.

the skies are clouding up and it looks like we are in for some rain. i like rainy days.

so life has not taken me where i thought i'd be, but there are still some great joys that have managed to emerge from the darkness. it has been a great summer, and while i'm not sure where the future will take me, i am confident in this, that God will always keep me where he wants me, and will guide each step of the way.

i am blessed.

i am loved.

and sometimes God works things in our lives better than we ever could have imagined them...

dancin round on life support with matches and a gun....

2010-07-30T01:27:00.001-04:00

yes, a lovedrug mood again. as always. haha. its just a natural with me. i'm having an unexpected great week. and its a bit sad that it will come to an end soon.

God has also been calling me back to many things. prayer being one. its a good thing though.

getting ready for baseball/softball camp next week and its going to be great.

eclipse

2010-07-12T09:48:00.000-04:00

so i needed to get away for a bit, after my 38 hours of no sleep, so i decided to give eclipse a chance. while there were some good parts to the movie, for the most part i was disappointed. i have always been team jacob. and have always felt that the movies never really conveyed the struggle in bella's heart of how jacob was her soul mate, but edward the one she chose.

and they left out so much in the movie that i felt like it was choppy and hard to relate to. and the part that made me the most upset, was in the beginning. i was waiting for the scene where jacob comes and steals bella from school because edward won't let her go see him, and they had to go and combine it with his confronting edward.

oh well. its just a movie.

my mind would not let me sleep last night. and usually its because of one person, but last night it was not that person, but all the other craziness that is going on. and i suppose its not really craziness. i think its just that i really want to talk to someone about it, but yet, at the same time i don't want to say anything. i suppose what i really need to do is just spend some time with the Lord and journal out all these crazy thoughts. maybe i don't need to tell anyone but God.

either way, what's in my head needs and out or i'm afraid i won't be sleeping again tonight.

funny thing is that it shouldn't be so complicated, i just make it that way in my head. haha.

camp is going well. i can't believe we are half-way thru. and I'm learning a lot. sometimes i really don't know what i would do with out one of my best friends. this person always challenges me to see things from other perspectives and isn't afraid to tell me the hard things that no one else may. and i'm sure a part of that comes from the fact that no one else really knows me the way he does and i appreciate every aspect of our friendship. and i honestly do not know what i would do without it.

3 sleepless nights

2010-07-09T07:13:00.000-04:00

well so far its been two. trying to keep up with all my jobs this week has been a bit harder than i thought. but i pulled an all nighter and got much of the work done last night, so i'm feeling good about today. i've got one more dvd to finish, candy store accounts to settle and making sure things are set for the sr. music program sound wise.

i am hoping i made the right choice by staying up. i knew if i slept for an hour i wouldn't want to get back up, so hopefully i can take a nap later. :) this might be harder to pull off than i thought. i'm not as young as i used to be. haha.

but thanks to zac i have been able to make it from 4:30 til 7:30. haha. thank God for good friends who stay up all night too. :)

i turn mood rings black.

2010-07-05T08:35:00.000-04:00

i can't believe my last post here was before camp started! i suppose that is how busy i have been. the past 3 weeks have gone by so fast and so many memories have already come and gone that its crazy to think about!

before the summer i was clueless about pop music, i'm still no expert by any means, but i'm starting to be in touch with the "real world" - haha. some songs have stuck in my head longer than they should have.

i do have to say that my favorite right now is the cover haste the day did to "meet me half-way"

camp has been great. and this morning i just saw my dad go by my window on a golf cart that was being pushed by another golf cart! it was a great. i think it was the same one that died on me a couple weeks ago.

my cabin is great and i enjoy it and appreciate having it so much! it was a true blessing from God for this summer. especially with the kind of hours i've been putting in at work.

life kind of threw me for a loop last friday, but its getting better. sometimes you think you are going one way, and the door that was open closes and you're not sure why, but all you can do is choose to trust that God still has a plan in the midst of the uncertainty. sometimes i'm glad that God can move me past disappointments so quickly. i suppose its because a good friend of mine helped me to see that life's disappointments usually come because we jump ahead of God's will for our lives, or we get a glimpse into the future and think that we have everything figured out only to find that God was using it for a different purpose. so after i feel like crap for a day, i give it to God and trust that He still knows what's best and all i can do is take one day at a time.

yesterday was a good day. as was saturday and sunday. family time always helps cheer me up. and the grantham boys might as well be family so it was fun hanging out and going to see the bay city fireworks with them.

my niece actually made me start to wish that i had a kid as awesome as her. we were playing a game on the wii and she was beating me pretty badly (keep in mind she is 4) and everytime she would score a lot of points she would just look at me like, "that's right, I'm AWESOME!" i think she takes after me a little too much! haha. but it made me happy.

its the little things in life that we need to find joy in :) i'm learning that again. we miss out on so much when we are too concerned with the future. so its actually kind of nice having a set back, because now i can only see one day at a time. i do not know where the future will take me, all i know is that i'm at camp and finding ways to love it thru the busyness, that i've got an amazing family and great friends who i love dearly and right now, that is enough.

dead in the water....

2010-06-10T16:44:00.000-04:00

new lovedrug songs!! my week is definitely a happier one because of that! :)

i'm listening to the new ep as i wait to send a fax at work, and then its off for the night. i can already tell its going to be a long summer, but i'm remaining hopeful that it will be a great one!

i kinda feel like a walking zombie right now. i ate something with way too much sugar, and now i'm crashing and i'm super tired. i really need to get sleep this week so i can be ready to face the first week of camp around here.

i want to say that its going to be awesome, but i guess this time around i'm setting my expectations a little lower. i know that God will do some awesome things, its just that i know if i build myself up for a great week of hanging out it's going to disappoint me, so i'm trying to be realistic about everything.

i'm super excited to be helping out Wendy and Fishing Camp this coming week! that is going to be a great time. anything i can do to help her not be so stressed out will be worth every bit of effort on my part.

ok, time to fax my report and go to my cabin for the night. maybe tonight i'll watch shutter island.

alice, emails, phone calls and sleep....

2010-06-04T09:17:00.000-04:00

well, not necessarily in that order... life is interesting right now to say the least. summer has officially started around camp which means i eat sleep and breathe camp. thankfully God has seen fit to break up that craziness with some time with friends. :)

i watched alice in wonderland again last night, cleaned my cabin, enjoyed laughing with a friend on the phone, did some work and was in bed before midnight. it was a good night. :)

and again i find myself truly blessed by the friends that God has given me. and what probably amazes me even more is that they know how to encourage my heart at just the right times.

as i walked down the road to the office this morning my heart was full of joy and thankfulness.
i love that God knows what we need when we cannot see it for ourselves. i love that God knows what is best for us and if we chose to trust HIM, even when we don't understand Him that He will work out the details.

i don't know where i'm headed, i know where i want to go... but i still do not know for sure how God is going to choose to work out the details. but i am convinced of His goodness and faithfulness in my life. I am convinced of His love for me and others. i am convinced that He wants what is best for me and that i need to learn to trust Him a bit more than i do.

It's a bit freeing when you are finally able to face things in your life that you never thought you could let go of... but its better to give up your hopes and dreams and let God fill you with His, than it is to walk this life half in your will and half in His. I want to finally be walking in His full will for my life, to go where He wants me to go, to bless and encourage those that He puts in my life and to be the best friend that I can be to those that are a part of my life.

friends are the ones that you would lay down your life for; that you want the best for; their happiness means more than yours.

i've realized the real joy in my heart comes from seeing God bless the lives of my friends and family. not from what is happening in my own.

will you pause to break my heart....

2010-05-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

its a warm one outside today, probably magnified by the fact that i had to move a bed out of my cabin along with moving around some other furniture to make room for the king size bed that will be replacing it. i suppose God always goes above and beyond our expectations to bless us with something better. the bed i moved out was a twin size bed, so although the bed i'm getting will take up most of the front room in the cabin, i see it as a blessing in disguise. kinda one of those, what the devil meant for harm, the Lord turned to good.

i'm learning to take everything in stride. for a while i was choosing to worry too much, now I'm just trying to do my job and trust that God is in control. i still look forward to this summer and having friends around. and even if others choose to spend all summer watching me like a hawk waiting for me to do something wrong, i will not let that get to me.

God has a bigger purpose, and i will not lose sight of that. it will be a busy and fun packed summer and i hope that i can really take in each moment of it for what God gives me. i'm learning to take life one day at a time and to pray for God's will to be done in each of those days. looking to the future is good, as long as you don't miss out on what God is doing today.

summer weather always makes me want to listen to AFI. i think it stems back from my days of living in florida. haha.

one week....

2010-05-24T09:41:00.000-04:00

yep, its been a week already since my last post, and i can happily say that the joy still remains. :)

man, it feels so good to have this freedom in my heart....

so the series finale of LOST was last night. WOW! i'm still confused, but happy with the ending. as it began with jack in the jungle opening his eyes, it ends with him in the jungle closing them... i think i cried more in the span of the finale last night that i have in an entire year! haha. everyone being reunited with those that they love, even if it was in death. it was still beautiful.

and i guess the island is left to speculation. i think this summer i will be spending some time re-watching LOST. haha

i officially moved into the cabin for the summer. it's gonna take some time to unpack and get settled in, but i'm happy to have it. there are a lot of things that i need to pray about, so having a home away from home will definitely help in that.

its going to be an interesting summer. with all that is changing around me, i just want to take it all in. to look at each day as a blessing from the Lord and to live in the here and now. i am looking forward to having some friends around the camp this summer and for opportunities to see them get involved in ways that could bring them future connections to the camp as well.

i never would have thought all of this was possible a year ago and i suppose that just goes to show how amazing God is. He orchestrates our lives in ways that we could never dream of or imagine... i am thankful to have a God that loves me, and that wants what's best for me and that gives me a hope and a future.

oh, and i did infiltrate a bit of pirate decor into the cabin! i couldn't go a whole summer with out some kind of reminder of that!

i like that there is life around the campground again. that summer is just a couple of weeks away and that i get 4 weeks! :)

amazing!

2010-05-17T08:21:00.000-04:00

that is the best way to describe my weekend. i don't think i've done so much in a long time, but it was great. art walk in flint friday night and hanging out with an old friend and meeting new ones... then a day of movies: Iron Man 2 and Nightmare on Elm Street. More hanging out with a great friend, and then back down to flint on sunday night for PIPE.

ending my weekend in flint with another great friend was just what i needed. its been a while since i felt a pure joy in my heart, and being at PIPE and continuing to build 'community' with all the great people there was just what i needed.

there is no more doubting, there is no more wondering. God is good and He has shown me things not only about my own relationship with HIM, but with a friend. i am truly blessed. i don't deserve some of the amazing friendships i've been given... and God has answered my prayers in unexpected ways with that.

and i will take the good advice i received last night from one of those friends, and stop worrying so much! :)

God knows what He's doing, and I just need to trust Him first and know that He is in control.

giving up....

2010-05-12T09:45:00.000-04:00

... and waiting to see if God gives it back. being able to finally do that has been a very freeing moment in my life recently. and yes, I'm still waiting to see if God does give back what I gave up, but this time I know that if it does come back, it was meant to... that this time God is behind it. That's all I really needed to know anyway.

Sometimes you have to leave it in God's hands and let Him move, because that is the only way you know it wasn't disillusioned by our own thoughts.

today finally felt like a new day. breathe in hope, exhale love....

Thank God for weekends!

2010-05-10T10:32:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I just went out with a friend and hung out. It seems I'm always waiting for the one that can never seem to fit it into their schedule instead of realizing that God has given me a great friend already who likes to hang out and go on adventures with me. I am very blessed to have a friend such as you.

It's also been a while since I felt happy. There is so much going on in my life, and a lot of it isn't easy to go through, but I know what is coming will be worth every minute of struggle that i face right now, especially the struggles I face daily in my own heart.

This weekend was just what I needed to have some fun and hang out and focus on where my heart is being drawn. I think a part of my struggles are coming from the fact that my heart is divided into 2 very separate places. This weekend I asked God to make it undivided. And suddenly the vision that I had been asking for started to flow out. I suppose its true that you can't live with a divided heart for too long before you have to make a choice. I have made my choice, now I'm just waiting on the Lord to bring it to pass. Its still going to be hard, but I will make it, and good things will come from it, because I am following the path that God has laid out before my feet. He is giving me just enough light to see a couple feet ahead of me. To know the direction I'm headed, but to still have to trust Him to get there.

I never saw myself going in this direction, but how can I question what the Lord is doing? I just have to trust and follow Him.

I can tell things are different around here. No one seems to notice if I'm in my corner or not... So, I'm just going to silently do my work every day, and know that even in all of this there is a purpose. Maybe it will do me some good be alone here, to be on the outside. All I want is YOU Jesus.

who wants to live in a world without color?

2010-05-07T09:27:00.000-04:00

not me. i'm having a really difficult week. and its frustrating because i feel like i am put into a box. i feel like there are people around here that are afraid of people who think outside the box. why is it that people are so afraid to color their worlds.

everything being bland and white, where is the fun in that? i guess i knew things would have to go back to the way they were, it seems that people who don't like change are afraid of people like me. haha. i tend to shake things up where ever i go. for the good, hopefully. it seems i will be without a bed this summer, but my futon will make due.

i'm trying hard to love people that seem out to get me. funny that i'm reading about loving your enemies, and God challenges me with it. and not enemy in the true sense of enemy... but you know, those who make it hard to want to love and trust them.

if we are to be like Jesus (as christians), then why is it that we are so selfish and only able to look out for whats best for us. to be so blinded that we hurt people we are supposed to work with, for the "good" of what we want in our own lives. Some things are temporal, others last a life time.

its like the people in the church that fight over how a building looks but pay no attention to the people in it who are hurting, or the love that they could be spreading to those in their congregations. when will we stop being concerned with the things of this world that will pass away, and start to focus on our relationships. people are way more important that the color one chooses to paint on a wall. but sadly some people can't see past this. they think that a bright color on a wall = rebellion. i am not a rebellious person, i follow the rules set out before me. i put things back the way i found them. at least when i'm at work.

i guess there is nothing you can do if others are out to get you, i just hope that people can see its not bringing unity, its bringing division. God does not go behind our backs to tell our secrets to the Father, He walks with us and challenges us to do it ourselves. He supports us and loves us and uses His kindness to bring us to repentance. so why do christians feel they need to judge to make themselves look better? the very nature of Jesus was to be a servant, to think of others first. its a sad day in ministry if we can't be like Jesus. if we are so concerned about ourselves and what we want that we can't love.

i know i'm not perfect and i do a lot of things wrong, but i would hope that painting a room or moving some furniture isn't so bad that i'm hurting the ministry of the camp by it. especially when it can be undid so easily.

my lesson for today. let us learn to love and not judge. let us be open with each other in love and not sneak behind people's backs. let us work in unity and love to all those around us. how in the world can we expect God to use us if we can't even love those we work with. and the bigger question there, is how can we God if we cannot first show that same love to those around us. love is just a word unless it is followed by our actions. Jesus didn't just tell people he loved them, he showed it thru every action that proceeded from him.

why is it so hard for us to understand that we are all made different. that we are all a part of the functioning body of Christ here on this earth. why is it that we are so quick to judge someone based on their appearance, or them not doing things our way. yes, my mind doesn't work like everyone elses, my brain thinks of things in a creative way, don't try to understand me, just accept me. Jesus would. Jesus would see my colorful way of seeing the world as part of the beautiful creation he made. Colors reflected in my life are only meant to reflect the colors that He has already used to paint this world.

live and raw

2010-05-06T10:57:00.001-04:00

This is how I'm thinking of eating this summer! It will be a bit of a transition, but not too bad, and since cooking will be hard (even in the cabin) it might be the perfect time to try it. Now I just need to find a couple of good cook books. And don't worry, I'm talking only veggies and fruit! :)

thoughts and pictures!

2010-05-05T08:44:00.001-04:00

I love IKEA! This is going to be my home away from home this summer and I know I'll be spending a lot of time in this room!

The rest are pictures from around camp. I am really excited for all that God is doing, and will do this summer not only at camp but in other places that my heart has become attached to. I am trying to live one day at a time and to not look too far into the future, otherwise, I might miss something from the here and now.

I am so thankful that God's peace can surpass all understanding! Right now I don't know what I want or how to feel about certain things, but God's peace is still there in the midst bringing me back to reality and reminding me to trust Him and not my own feelings.

I've been reading Paul Vieira's Book Jesus Has Left the Building, and finding all the great words to our generation that are revealed in it's pages all over again. Thank you Paul, for hearing God's voice and writing a book that I feel will be life changing to those who are able to follow Jesus and His model for the church.

The quote that really got to me last night was this:

"Jesus cared for people and met their needs whether they decided to follow him or not."
-Paul V.

How often to do "christians" have an underlying motive behind their actions. Jesus loved people so much that it didn't matter to him if they would follow him or not, he loved them and served them, it was just in his nature to do, he didn't play favorites or seek out only those that might believe and follow him. He lived out a life-style that all of us as followers of Jesus should live.

I believe that God is shaking my world up, in a good way. He's opening my eyes to what's really important. PEOPLE. Relationship is the key. We were created to have a relationship with God. and our relationships with others reflect that relationship with God. That's why we crave it so much. Our generation doesn't just want words, we want love in action. We want to be love in action. The only way to do this is to meet people where they are and to love them with no motives or strings attached. Our ministry therefore is found in the very way we live our lives. To follow Jesus and the way He lived involves a big cost, but look at how He changed the world. He poured Himself into 12 disciples, and those 12 disciples went on to spread the gospel to the world. Imagine what could happen if we started to get back to that model of discipleship on a mass scale. They say one person can change the world.... and I believe that. Look at Jesus. Its really time that the church started to look like Jesus, act like Jesus, and represent Jesus to the world....

we fall like stars...

2010-04-26T09:17:00.000-04:00

the sun is shining bright, i made a new summer mix cd and i'm looking forward to a great week. how it will end, who knows, but i am sure it will be good, whether i end up alone or with people.

i'm learning about myself that i am very quick to build my life around friendships which seem to result in unfair expectations. maybe i really don't know how to have a healthy friendship. i've got a couple of them, but outside of that?

so, i'm learning to just go with the flow, to trust God at every turn, to do things that I want to do without needing someone to do them with. that's how its always been for me anyway, so i don't know why its such a big deal to me to have a friend to do things with now.... maybe i am meant to be alone. i don't want to think that way, but i can't deny that it feels that way at times.

i don't always understand why God keeps me wandering alone, but i can't question Him on it any more because I know that He sees a bigger picture. that there is a purpose and plan in my wandering, i just haven't been able to see it yet. So, what good does it do me to question God's will for my life, if this is how He has meant for it to be, then I just need to trust that He wants what's best for me, and that one day this path will make some sense. i will travel this life alone for as long as God wishes. for in it I am never truly alone, Yeshua is at my side and for now that is enough. I'm done with trying to figure out what God is doing... I just want to walk along the path and take His hand and go on the adventure of my lifetime... I think I'm ready for that now.

perspective....

2010-04-23T17:02:00.001-04:00

i feel like i gained some today. its a good thing and i am feeling that my day is going to end much better than it began. thanks wendy.

sometimes we ask too much of our friends or hold them to standards they are never going to be able to live up to... when that happens we tend to get a head of God. no more, i'm going to take things as they come, i'm going to stop wondering what it all means and i'm going to enjoy the people that God has put in my life. sometimes i spend so much time wondering what things mean, that i loose sight of the blessing that the people are to me.

tonight i choose to see things differently. i am ready to focus on what God needs me to, and all the rest will fall into place as God sees fit. all the pressure off. i like that. it will help me sleep better at night knowing that all i have to do is give up control and be ok with the outcome, even if its not what i want, because then that will mean its God's best and not my own.

i do not understand the future, but i embrace it and i look forward to all that God has planned. now i just hope and pray that i can keep myself at bay so that its God's will going forth and not my own.

concentration....

2010-04-23T13:57:00.001-04:00

its not my strong point today. i have been getting work done, but everything just seems to quiet, and because of that i am having a hard time concentrating on anything. i feel like a little kid with A.D.D.... but I can't even distract myself with the internet. there is that silence thing looming over my head again.

today just hasn't been a good day at all. i'm trying to be happy and enjoy the sunshine and all the good things. it started off a great day, but whatever is hitting me, is hitting me hard. like knock-down punch hard. maybe next week is too long to wait to get coffee, maybe if i would have just had a chance to finish telling some of my story to wendy i would feel better.

the enemy is having a great time with me today... but nothing seems to be helping to bring me out of it. anyone i could talk to, doesn't seem to have time or want to.

its just feeling like a very crappy lonely day, and its probably going to last thru the weekend. God, I hate feeling like this. why do relationships have to be so complicated, why is it then when i could use a good friend to talk to, suddenly the ones that were there are gone...

why do i feel like everything good that has happened this past week was all just a dream and this is me waking up from it, to find myself more alone than ever. this is how my heart feels. God, please break thru this darkness in my soul that has set itself so deep within my heart today. I feel like i'm drowning and can't see the surface. i will fight, i will not give into the devil, its just hard when you feel like you're facing the fight alone. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is victorious, and with him, this too shall pass. i know that God wants to know that I'm IN this and won't walk away. if things are hard now, it may get worse, and if i run now, then i'm just giving the devil what he wants. i guess i just never thought that after the weekend my friendship would still be a question in my head. actually it wasn't until yesterday. see, this is what happens when silence takes over your thoughts.

so much for trying to tell a friend the good points... ever since i did that there has been a deafening silence that makes me think i would have been better off keeping my thoughts to myself, even though they were meant to encourage.

live and learn i suppose. i just want to go home and sleep away the rest of the day so that i don't have to deal with my mind anymore. the only trouble is that then i get plagued by the same thoughts in my sleep.

i need a break, but i'd rather have a BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!

wishing i were alone on a deserted island.

2010-04-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

maybe if i didn't have to deal with people, my mind could take a rest. i feel better after posting about an hour ago, but its still not fun to feel ignored by a friend.

but you know what, it doesn't matter. today is a new day, and i will just try my best to forget about it and move on with my day and trust that when God means for us to talk again we will. it just sucks waiting. i'm not good with that, which again, is probably why God makes me wait so much.

silence....

2010-04-23T08:34:00.000-04:00

the devil works thru this more than i would like to admit. especially when your mind wants to believe that the person that is bringing about the silence does not want to break it...

i don't know that i can take the cycle of a friendship that moves me to the core with each up and down, even when i know that it is ultimately God that made this connection. i guess when things are going well, i forget that i still need God to be in control.

the silence kills me when i don't understand why.

all i know is patterns from before and the silence hasn't always been a good thing. usually it means that every good thing i'm looking forward to collapses... the weird thing is that 1/2 of the good part is still remaining, even through busy schedules. meeting up with jim for coffee to discuss college ministry is going to be great, but the other 1/2 of that day feels like its going to fall thru... i've been told it won't, but even that has not reassured my heart.

i don't know why i let this bug me so much. it really shouldn't be a big deal at all. i should be used to the disappointment, and i cannot be sure that this silence is going to mean something bad, but that's just the thing, when someone doesn't talk to you, all you can come up with are the bad reasons of why.

i am trying so hard to keep God in control of this friendship, but its so hard when you get glimpses of how good something can be, and then it all fades back into the distance where it has sat for so long.

God, my heart is not strong enough for this, at least it doesn't feel like it is.

i wanna be where your heart is home...

2010-04-22T16:04:00.000-04:00

she and him has been on repeat for most of my afternoon. i wasn't sure if i really liked volume 2, but after today, i feel differently. i'm glad i had it to listen to.

the sun is so deceitful today! it shines bright but offers no warmth. i really hope that i can figure out where i'm staying this summer and soon. i'm going to take a shopping trip to ikea on saturday and it would be nice to know whether or not to pick up this cute little table set. i suppose it could be useful either way.

there is so much in my mind that i wish i could blog about, but God has not released me to share much with the world around me. hopefully soon?!

God has to know that I don't deal well with waiting, which is probably why I'm being made to wait to see how the next few months of my life are going to play out. Gotta wait to find out where i'll get to stay this summer, gotta wait to see what happens in flint... gotta wait on matters of my heart... the weirdest part is that i only feel impatient about one, and that's finding out where i can call my home this summer at the camp. and i suppose that's not really that big of a deal, i just want to start cleaning and decorating. its almost may and i don't want to have to do it all right before camp starts. especially since friends will be a big part of my summer this year. i'm excited about that!!

i am so glad it is thursday night and that i can escape my thoughts for 2 hours and enjoy Bones and Fringe! Oh man, Peter is gonna find out he's from the other side! its almost 4:30 and that means the end of another day. And I am ready for it to be done. my mind is exhausted. tomorrow i've got two brochures to work on (one to finish) and an ad to make for the kidsville news. it will be a long hopefully creative day!

Hungry....

2010-04-20T10:38:00.000-04:00

will always stand as one of my favorite worship cd's of all time. and it is what i have heavily leaned on to get me through my morning.

there is so much that i wish i could blog about today... but it's just not the right timing, yet. i had a pretty exhausting and amazing weekend. Kick-Off is now come and gone, and was a great night, even though there were a few stressful moments. Sometimes I think I should have been an event planner or something. haha. I really do love things like that, but I also like to be able to sit back and enjoy them too.

i started re-reading paul vieira's book, "Jesus has left the building". Its always encouraging to read pages in a book that speak to your passions, and after some conversations this weekend its those passions that are getting stirred up within the depths of my soul... it seems that i will be met with some big decisions over the few months, but in a strange way, i feel like i know how some of them will play out, i'm just waiting on God for the whole picture of what He's up to.

connections....

2010-04-16T11:34:00.001-04:00

recently i feel like i've been re-connected to an old friend, even though a month ago this person was a complete stranger to me. funny how life will do that.

should be working... finding distractions

2010-04-15T19:15:00.000-04:00

who am i really kidding. i'm not going to accomplish any more work today. its too nice outside. i really just want to watch the sunset over the bay and still make it home in time for Fringe. Somehow I don't see both of those things happening. maybe i'll enjoy the sun setting as i drive home. that's probably more like it.

its days like today that make me miss living in florida... it did have a few good points.

the gloria record is the perfect soundtrack as i sit and blog and feel the cool breeze coming in my window. man i wish they would have made more music. i will forever love them.

its been kind of a rough day, but i made it through and was able to appreciate all of the beauty that is in the new main speakers that zac helped me decide on and buy for the camp. i did a lot of set up for the kick off banquet as well. went to a promotional outing. not feeling the greatest, so thankfully i didn't have to do much.

i guess i learned the hard way that after changing my eating habits for a few weeks, that adding something like cheese back in, is not a good thing. i will not be making this mistake again. my stomach is still hating me for that.

i'm in the mood for a good depressing love story. i'm thinking the movie closer would do. it makes me cry every time i watch it, but it will always be one of my favorite movies. maybe i just like seeing that my life isn't the only one that is screwed up and complicated. even if it is just a movie.

breaking my own heart.

2010-04-15T08:39:00.000-04:00

for some reason i've been listening to old school haste the day... like burning bridges old, and missing those days of driving to indiana every other weekend. ok, maybe not every other weekend, but it was around those days that indiana was like home away from home. good times.

there is so much still to do to get ready for kick off and its only a couple days away! ahhhh.... i had to take work home with me last night and spent most of the morning shopping for items to put in a basket for a silent auction. today will be busy with moving everything to the youth center, including to very big and heavy speakers. i might have to get creative with that one. haha. its days like today that i praise God for cars and other various forms of transportation that include wheels!

i really need to make myself a to-do book, because the amount of items on my plate at work is ridiculous! and i know that my mind will miss or forget something if its not written down in front of me.

and in all my pulling away from being so involved with Gospel this summer... seem that God had other plans on that one. haha. but why am i not surprised?! i had a very good conversation with one of the people on the committee. but in that one conversation i got myself right back into the thick of things. which is ok. it seems that even though Gospel is not one of my favorite styles of music to listen to, that at least i can appreciate and am starting to feel a part of their family. i like that. its the one reason why i don't mind being involved, everyone is family and its a nice feeling. i hope that with the project festival we can develop some of those family relationships as well.

things are going better at work. i really am just trying to live life day to day, to fully appreciate the time that God is giving me, and to not be so concerned with looking ahead to what's next. its so easy as we head towards the summer to only focus on that. but there is so much in between now and then, that i don't want to wish time away. and i'm trying to be better at appreciating my friends and each moment i have with them as well. sometimes i set myself up for disappointment because i'm always looking forward to that next text or phone call, when i should really just be happy and thankful for those moments as they come. no expectations. sometimes that is really hard for me. but i'm learning. :)

its going to be a BEAUTIFUL day and i'm excited. with each item that i finish and can check off my list, the less of a weight i feel on my chest, and that is a good thing.

i need a beginning again....

2010-04-13T08:21:00.001-04:00

that is how i feel right now. it makes me angry when the devil messes with my head, and makes things hard for me at work. i do not like it. and i was having a great day, until one little conversation seemed to set me up for failure. i don't know why i'm having such a rough couple of days, but i pray it gets better soon.

personally i don't think that we should be going behind each others backs to tell our boss that they are disappointed and don't believe that i'm doing my job right. maybe if i didn't feel threatened that someone is working behind my back to make me look bad i would be ok with it.

sometimes i feel that people are too quick to cut you down rather than to help build you up. and it makes me sad that someone i trusted seems to be out to get me. to point out all of my faults instead of finding things to encourage me with. her disappointment might have been different if i felt she was sharing it out of love instead out of a desire to make me look bad.

none of us really knows what another faces in their day, and if she meant it to help, going behind a persons back is not the way to deal with your feelings.

maybe its the lack of sleep. i had a rough night and my mind would not let me sleep. and when i thought i could finally let that rest, then my stomach didn't feel good. but i still woke up this morning and was thankful for the day that the Lord had given and prayed for His will to be done just like i do each morning.

i was enjoying the grey skies and that my coffee tasted so nice with coconut flavored creamer... and that i was going to get to have lunch with a friend. i suppose there are still many things to be thankful for.

and i will pray about the anger in my heart because i don't like it to be there. it just brings back so many feelings that are hard to deal with. i feel betrayed. i feel like i lost all my trust in someone i used to confide in. this morning i saw a whole different side. i saw a manipulative, i'm out for what's best for me, kind of attitude, and that worries me. i don't like feeling that there is someone watching and waiting for me to do something they don't like so they can go and tell the boss. and i can't help that i feel that way. it will pass as i give this over to God and allow him to take control of my thoughts and feelings.

but i knew if i didn't write them out, i wouldn't be able to concentrate on the work that i need to accomplish today.

thank you Lord, for this day and for friends that i know i can trust and for loving me enough to watch out for me and to get me through the hard times in my day.

summer

2010-04-12T10:30:00.000-04:00

so i got an ok to move into a room at camp this summer! its not quite what i was hoping for but at this point in time i will take what i can get. it will still be a personal space all to myself, that i can add a few homey touches to. i already have great plans to make it like a little apartment. and will have 10+ weeks to enjoy it before i have to think about giving it up for family camp. that is really the only downfall. however, i may have a plan for that too! lets hope. i would hate to have to move everything out, but am willing to do so.

let the planning and decorative touches begin! :) that is the funnest part, i think.

she's disaster...

2010-04-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

i do not like the fact that i can see snow falling outside my window. i know that its michigan and if i wait a day or so it will be warm and sunny, but i feel like venting about how much i'm not happy with the snow or cold weather today. i suppose if i thought hard enough i could find a reason to be thankful for the snow today, but i don't want to. haha

i have found the reason why i've been getting distracted at work. and even though it distracts me, i'm not going to do anything about it. haha.

i don't have a lot to say today. its friday and i am happy for the weekend. this week has been such a blur. so much to do for work and the festival. lots of conversations/emails but lots of good stuff has happened, so in the midst of all the craziness its been a really good week. still on a high from seeing lovedrug last friday and kinda wishing i had a mini adventure like that to go on again this weekend....

time to stare my distraction in the face and get some work done! :)

so hard to concentrate....

2010-04-08T14:26:00.000-04:00

i must need a day off, because my brain is going in so many directions that i'm having a hard time picking just one path to stay on. i have all i need to get done for work, and that is what i am trying my hardest to concentrate on, but i just can't seem to get myself in a creative mode to accomplish what i need to do. i suppose its like writers block. sometimes you need to get away and find a new inspiration for what you were working on in the first place.

my heart is heavy for friends, that is definitely part of it...

its weird how the part of life that was throwing me off for the past month is now what seems to be centering it. i'm not going to complain because i'm very thankful to God for the recent breakthrough. i just need to keep reminding myself to follow God's path and not my own, because i really don't want to end up in the same mess of emotions that i was in before.

i can't stop listening to the new LOVEDRUG EP. its perfect. its everything that made me fall in love with their music in the first place. the songs are haunting and beautiful.

i was hoping if i forced my mind to take a break and focus on something besides a brochure for a bit that it might help me finish what i need to... is it working? not yet.

maybe i'm having a hard time concentrating because i'm making a brouchure for a cruise in the caribbean sea that i would love to be going on, but can't see it happening. not only is it a little more than i can afford right now, but it comes at a really busy time at work for me. ok, i really don't ever have a down time, but lots of promo goes out in January.

ok, now i'm getting distracted by LOVEDRUG. ahaha.. i need the sun to come back, or maybe i just need a road trip that lasts more than one night. :) everyone else has been taking time off, but i still can't find time to. and i just keep adding things to my plate for the summer. i really do pray that i will have a place to stay on the grounds this summer, otherwise i don't see myself getting much sleep and being extremely broke from all the trips i'm going to have to make back and forth. sometimes i do wish i lived a little closer to camp.

ok, so i have lots of pictures of friends all over the walls by my desk, but it was just today that i really started to notice all of their stares. some of them are good, others distracting and some are just plain creepy. maybe its time to start re-vamping some of my collages! haha.

only a couple of hours of work left. maybe i will switch my focus from the cruise to kick off programs. ah yes, i bet i could get those done and maybe even printed by the end of the day! that would be nice. i have to start getting promo stuff ready for the tables. perfect. i don't have to think too hard to do that!

i guess writing some of my thoughts did help! ahaha...

i lost my fear because fear is never living....

2010-04-07T09:11:00.000-04:00

breathe deep, inhale, exhale.... its a new day. life seems oddly normal again. well, if you can call life normal... but i'm ok with that right now. normal by some standards is ok. that just means that certain unknowns seem to have righted themselves and i can sleep better at night (well, ok, maybe not because i listen to lovedrug as i fall asleep and my brain gets over-active because i love their music so much... so that's probably the real cause behind not falling asleep when i should. ;) but i can definitely breathe again... i was not wired for uncertainties. i don't deal well with them and until they are righted my whole life gets thrown out of whack. at least for now i seem to not be fighting to walk against the natural rotation of my life.

i've been listening to We Shot the Moon a lot lately. good pop rock. definitely music that makes you happy for spring/summer!

i got the new Secret and Whisper Cd yesterday. and if i'm being honest, i was a little disappointed. maybe because i was expecting so much after loving their first cd and playing it to death... i don't know. i guess sometimes the vocals just get a little much. the music is great, but sometimes repetitive. gosh, i feel like a music critic now. but i'll give it a fair chance to impress me. i want to like it, but there's just something missing in it for me.

ain't no sunshine....

2010-04-06T10:31:00.000-04:00

i'm listening to the mix of songs i made that would be perfect to listen to during a thunderstorm and the storm is starting. i can hear the thunder outside and that makes me so happy!!!! i absolutely LOVE thunderstorms!

i'm feeling some freedom in my heart again today. i go back and forth, i know. but have you ever had something/someone pulling your emotions in weird directions that you couldn't explain. that is what happens to me. but only with one person. i wish i knew the cause so that i could stop it from happening, but it still seems to escape me. and as hard as i try to go on with life, its hard because i realized last night that i've wrapped so much around this person, that i almost can't just cut them out. i suppose that is a lesson learned too late.

what really gets me, is that i know there are positives to this person in my life too, i just don't think they feel the same. in fact, right now its as if they can't even be around me. and i suppose that could be where the second wave of crazy emotions came from. i guess the thought of having to endure a few weeks this summer with a person who was a friend and now doesn't seem to want to see you or talk to you is going to be hard. all i can do is pray it won't be as hard as i see it being in my head.

i really hope something gives soon... i just want my friend back. i don't like being without them, but i understand that its not my choice... so i wait and pray and hope that one day things can be better between us again. i think sometimes people don't quite understand how perceptions can win out when you are left not knowing what's really happening...

i think maybe its a good thing they don't know about this blog too... haha. of course, its their own fault, because i can remember a time when they wondered why i didnt journal about them... so this is payback i suppose....

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things are finally starting to come together for the project festival. doing this brings up all the good and bad points of being a promoter. but i have to say that i really miss having a venue. maybe i should pursue that again? i could do it on the side while still working at bay shore.
i suppose there is just something about taking care of bands and hosting shows that will never truly leave my heart. i just wish i understood how that could all still be a part of this life God has me living in MI.

maybe this festival is a way to get something going again. i kinda hope so. its going to be great having that many musicians around at once and feeling connected to people again. i just wish that it could have been some of my friends playing for me. maybe in a year or two down the road.

you're dancin' round on life support with matches and a gun....

2010-04-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

lovedrug show - a perfect excuse for driving to lansing with j.starks and going on a mini adventure! one that lead to getting lost, great coffee, lots of walking, picture taking, coughing so much that my stomach still hurts (cigarette smoke, singing and being sick don't mix well) and one amazing set from lovedrug that seemed much too short...

i am seriously blessed to have a friend like j.starks. one who takes me for who i am and never treats me as anything less... at times i feel i don't deserve that. having a friend who understands you, even when you don't always understand yourself is a rare thing to find. at least for me.

sometimes i feel i'm getting too old to stay involved with music, but a conversation from this weekend made me happy that there are people in my life that will always push me to follow those passions.

i was always worried that by seeing lovedrug perform again that it would ruin the perfect image that was in my head from the last time i saw them. standing on a chair in a sea of people just so i could get a good look at m.shephard on the piano. it was one of the most amazing shows ever... and even though the setting was completely different this time around, it was kinda nice being one of the 20 people or so that stood around the stage to support a very good band! i was surprised that there were no songs from sucker punch played, but i didn't mind because that meant more new and old songs that i love... there were no disappointments, except maybe the sound, but from the band, nothing but pure bliss to be hearing them live once again! j.starks did make an interesting observation that the people in the audience all seemed to be musicians of some sort. haha. i suppose that would make sense, because i think it would take someone really into good music to appreciate lovedrug.

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its funny that not even a month ago i was feeling that instead of spring bringing life, that it was bringing death to so many good things in my life. much of that was a choice, i needed to let go of those things and give them up to God and finally surrender to His will and not my own. it brought a lot of freedom to my heart and even though i was sad because i thought i would be on my own for much of the spring and summer, i knew it was what needed to be done. what i didn't expect was how much life has changed in a matter of weeks. some of that being blessing and some of it just confuses me. so i will take what i've gotten back, but with a new perspective. this time i'm going to make sure i seek God's will and not my own. i don't want to be disappointed again and the only way to keep me from that is to not set myself up. if i'm asking every day for God's will to be done then how can i be disappointed if things don't go the way i would like them to, for they will have gone the way God wanted them to.

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maybe spring is bringing new life to friendships i thought i was saying goodbye to, maybe its a chance for me to start on a new path and to truly seek out God's will for me here in michigan and to worry more about serving HIM than serving myself. it is a new day. it is a new start for me, a fresh take on my life and i pray that it accomplishes all that God has meant for me.

blogging...

2010-04-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

i forgot how nice it is to blog every day... and probably not many people read this, which is kind of nice in a way, because i feel a little more freedom to write things that are on my heart...

today the weather is supposed to hit near 80! that seems so crazy to even think about. it makes me want to put together a mix cd, pop it in my car and take a road trip. oh, wait! i am taking a mini road trip tomorrow to go see lovedrug with josh! perfect. now all i need to do is make the mix cd.

my windows by my desk are open and muse is playing on my computer. i've recently re-discovered how much i really do love that band! so good. they will be a part of my mix for sure. the only thing i don't like about them right now is how i hear them all over tv. it would be cool if they were promoting the same show, but i'm talking like 3 different shows all using their songs... enough already. haha.

i've had a very interesting morning. it all started with a weird dream about being back in israel, seeing someone and finding out they were married. i don't know that i liked that dream. it seemed all too real. but i will blame it on the fact that i read the final few chapters of eclipse last night where bella choose to marry edward. i've always related most to jabob's charatcter and so i guess my subconscious mind was relating to that. i've actually considered writing a fiction (based on a true) story about a period of time in my life, if only to have a way to remember the good memories that now seem so distant and to quite possibly find the closure i've been so desperately needing to find for my heart. i guess i thought after a few years passed the dreams would stop and my heart would have moved on... and while in many ways i have moved on (at least i've given up the dream) sometimes i wish i would have had the courage to say the things i wanted to say the last time i was in israel, but my heart was so broken that i couldn't force myself to do it, so i left and i've somewhat regretted that. i try to live my life to not regret anything, but there are a few things surrounding that time in my life that i do regret... and not about the friendship, but about the way i treated the one person that meant the world to me. maybe not having closure about that is my punishment. either way, its been on my mind a lot lately. 2 dreams in a matter of weeks will do that i guess. its been long time since its been that frequent. and i have moved on to different books, so maybe that will cause the dreams to cease again...

anyway, then i get to work and get a phone call from donnie cox. kinda threw me off a little, especially since its been a while since i thought about gospel music fest. i had kind of made up my mind to back away from things, for reasons not to be gone into detail. i suppose there is no escaping what i've put myself in the middle of though. and i really do want to be there to help the severances especially since they have done so much to get our other music fest going. here i go, back into the mix. haha. i just think it was funny timing this morning.

today is my last day of work this week and i'm super excited to have a 3 day weekend! especially with the weather looking so promising. awesome.

i've got lots to do today, so now is time to keep creating!

Sunshine!!!!

2010-03-31T15:10:00.000-04:00

and no, not the movie, although, i wouldn't mind watching that again soon. haha. i was in a great mood until staff... i guess i let myself get worked up too easily, even when people are just kidding around trying to make me worked up. i guess i just wasn't in the mood for the joking today, or maybe it was more about the subject being joked about either way, i was very glad to come back to my desk and feel the warmish breeze coming thru my window. yesterday the sun was deceiving, today it means what it promises.

i've been re-reading new moon and eclipse. i don't know what it is about those two books of the series, but i can read thru them faster than any other book that i pick up. its kinda stupid really, to loose sleep over a book, but i have been. now that i'm almost done with them i'm catching back up, but for a while there i was staying up a bit too late.

one of the things i'm most excited about now that warm weather seems to be settling in for a stay is the fact that i don't have to wear shoes!! i agree that shoes do serve a purpose, but my feet enjoy being free from their restrictions.

i'd really like to know what's up with american idol this season. i mean really, i don't think i would want any of them to win purely based on talent alone. its almost not worth watching and that makes me sad. but since LOST is on Tuesdays, i'm not too concerned. man, try wrapping your head around that show as it nears the end! but i LOVE it!

ok, my good mood is coming back to me now! its gearing up to be a great weekend, if i can stay focused on that and the beautiful sunshine and weather that God is blessing us with, then i'm sure that mood will last.

only one more day of work until my long weekend that will hopefully include, dying easter eggs, seeing lovedrug, meeting with the coolest committee ever (haha), sunrise service and breakfast at church and whatever other adventures come my way!

i guess i should get back to the stack of thank you's that are calling my name on my desk and then maybe clean up my desk a bit...

don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen...

2010-03-30T14:43:00.000-04:00

another new episode of LOST is on tonight! very excited about that. island secrets finally starting to become known. it is a bit sad that the series is coming to an end, but i own all the seasons on dvd, so i'll never have to be without the show! i can still remember watching all of season one with debbie. good times. good times.

the sun is shining so bright today, but the wind is still cold... very soon though, that too shall pass and i can finally pull out my new spring clothes!

i was so happy to receive a call from toast today and we are going to see lovedrug on friday! wow. i haven't been this excited about a show in a long time. it will be great to spend time with a friend and go on a little adventure.

so i really want to find a reason to set up our new speakers and truly test their abilities. maybe when i have the committee together on saturday we can pull them out and set them up! that would be great.

definitely another good day. who knew that all i needed was a little new moon and eclipse to set my mind at ease. haha. ok, and definitely God's peace thrown in there too! maybe spring does hold the promise of some good times. i just had to be ready to look for the blessings that God had waiting for me to find.

fire and ice

2010-03-29T13:12:00.001-04:00

so they say it will be in the 70's by the end of the week and i can't wait!! its time for the cold weather to give way to spring!

lately i've been listening to the band FAIR. we are looking at bringing them in for our music festival in August... Any chance to work with Aaron Sprinkle is well worth the effort.

it seems my heart is healing itself from the loneliness. probably has a bit to do with the weather changing, and me realizing that i just have to trust that God knows whats best. for the first time since last summer, i feel a bit of freedom again. not all people that come into our lives bring what we wish them to. and sometimes you just know when its over, but there is no pain or disappointment in it anymore. its nice to not be affected by that anymore.

God may take things away, but he only prunes that which is unhealthy for us in the first place. we don't always like it, and yes, sometimes we fight it thinking we know what's best, but when we finally give in and let God be in control he leads us to the freedoms our hearts have been searching for.

life around here doesn't always make sense to me, but i'm beginning to accept that.

------------------------

i have one week to successfully find a way to have a pirate themed easter egg hunt for my niece. i guess my influences have been wearing off on her. last week she told me she wanted a pirate easter, and continues to remind me of that.... i suppose her aunt better get to work on figuring out how to make that one happen!

for the moment i'm happy.

2010-03-25T09:31:00.000-04:00

and shepherds we shall be
for Thee, my Lord, for Thee

saints and moons...

2010-03-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

so i can't seem to stop listening to the boondock saints soundtrack... but i suppose that is ok. its a nice mix to work by.

i finally watched new moon last night. i have to say that i'm glad i didn't see it in the theater. i was highly disappointed. i for one am a fan of jacob black. and i was super excited because this was to be his story... the movie however, left out way too much. i am so glad that i read the book and could fill in all the gaps, and i suppose if you haven't read the books, you would be more interested in bella and edwards relationship anyway, so it wouldn't really matter.

all this to say, i know how the story ends, so i can understand the not playing up of the relationship between bella and jacob, but i think that they are leaving out a key element of the story to not show the real conflict in bella's heart leading up to eclipse. yeah, the movie hit on all the big moments, but what about the little ones, those are the moments from the book that made me cheer for jacob. although i always thought that he deserved better than bella. but maybe i cheer for the guys that come in second best because i have been in that situation before. the best friend that never has a chance... yeah, so i suppose i'm a little sympathetic to jacobs character, which is why even thought i thought new moon was a good movie, i was highly disappointed.

enough about that. thank goodness all saints day didn't disappoint. :) although, i did have to watch it more than once to fully appreciate all of its goodness! and found that it is best to watch it after seeing the first one again.... it did help make for a great week of celebrating st. patty's day. watching both boondock movies, searching high and low for the soundtrack, making rainbow cupcakes, wearing an outfit to work that everyone else thought was silly.... it turned out to be a great day and week of fun!

i'm glad that i can celebrate st. patty's day again. for a few years, i didn't like to think about it, or what it reminded me of. this year, however, was different and i'm glad.

its weird because as people come and go from my life, i'm reminded that there is a purpose in each friendship no matter how long or short lived. its just hard when you expect them to last longer than they do... last year at this time i was spending most of my extra time in saginaw... i kinda miss those days, and yet, i can see how we have all kinda gone our separate ways, or gotten busy with other things. its hard though, when friendships just move on and you don't really understand why. sure time and busyness can threaten even the best attempts, but you are still left to wonder if you really meant much to the person when they don't make time for you... and i am guilty as well for not always trying to keep things going, so i don't blame anyone when it happens, it just seems that as i'm heading into spring and summer that i'm back to being alone... sometimes i guess i just wish that my friendships around here could last longer than a few months/year... but maybe they aren't meant to. maybe i really am meant to be alone as i follow the will God has for me. (and by alone i don't mean not to be in a relationship - i mean not to connect with people on a friendship level) i do have a couple of friends from my days before i moved home that have survived and continue to grow and i am ever thankful for them... i don't know what i'd do without them. sometimes i just wonder why God only answers my prayers for short times here in michigan. i pray and ask for friends and people to connect to that share similar interests, and i get them, only to slowly watch them fade away after months pass. and every time i think things will be different, they turn out the same. i guess its just a part of growing up and getting older. the hard part is that the more this happens, the more i want to just give up and not put any time into friendships at all, which isn't good either.

so... i choose to get up every morning and pray for God's will to be done, to work hard at the ministry He has called me to and to remain hopeful.

clouds

2010-03-12T13:58:00.000-05:00

i like that its cloudy today. its friday and it would be nice if it were a gorgeous sunny day, but that really wouldn't fit my mood, so i'm glad that its grey and cloudy. sometimes you just need grey days. those days where its ok not to smile. where disappointment isn't so bad because you were prepared for it.

i'm finding that its much easier in life to just leave things in God's hands and not build any expectations of my own, because that is when i am crushed by disappointments. its hard to get mad and disappointed about something if you are letting God decide the outcome. in that instance all you can do is trust that things worked out as they were meant to... and maybe that is why today i'm ok and simply enjoying a grey day.

my heart remains hopeful that God always knows whats best. journaling has been soo good for my soul again. and not blogging, but journaling or writing emails i never mean to send. haha. either way, i'm finding that lately i've been too quick to speak and not pray. and i'm finding that the enemy likes to plant lies in your head about what's really happening. that is why i'm leaving things to God. i can't control people or the decisions they make, and its not worth being disappointed by people just because they aren't living up to my standards... so, as i learn to be a grown up, i am convinced that God is good, that He wants what's best for me and that life is more of a joy to live when i'm free from all the disappointment.

there is a sunny spot in my day... i'm going to leave work early and go to the store and buy the new Boondock Saints movie. it makes me happy that the brothers are back together. maybe i'll even see a movie or go shopping... i've got some extra time on my hands to kill now that my afternoon plans have opened up, so i guess i'll see where the wind takes me... maybe i'll still go and get some coffee, only instead of conversation, i'll read a book... hmmm.

spring is in the air....

2010-03-10T09:59:00.000-05:00

i watched the movie "Moon" the other day, and I have to say that even though it is a very quiet movie (not much to the soundtrack) and a lonely movie, it was one of the better ones i've seen in a while...
i also rushed out to see the new Alice in Wonderland. I liked the movie for many reasons... one of the main reasons being that alice is placed in a world where she can't remember ever visiting wonderland, she thinks it was all just a dream... and when she returns it takes her a while to believe that she is the "real" alice. sometimes that's how i feel. that it takes me a while to really believe who i am, and that i'm in the right place. to live up to the destiny that God has called me to. we all think it would be easier if we just knew what is to come, like alice, they kept telling her that she was meant to slay the jabberwocky, but it took her a while to believe that she was capable of that future. if we were to know where our path of life is to take us, would we still believe that we could accomplish those big tasks? or is that maybe why God only lets us see a small bit of our path at a time.
i also liked that this wonderland is a bit dark. to me, it was still beautiful. and i will always appreciate the mind of tim burton and what he creates.

i've also been very into the last season of LOST. There are so many themes of good vs evil, and predestination and again, living up to who you are meant to be and having the faith to believe it...
i find it very interesting that the man of faith, locke, is now portraying the smoke monster, and that jack is now starting to believe that he was brought to the island for a purpose... last nights episode left me wishing that the other 9 episodes would continue and the wait of a week in between would disappear.

lovedrug has 3 new songs out that i can't stop listening to... usually lovedrug is the music i would choose to listen to in the fall, but these new songs are justly fitting to spring.

its hard at times to be happy about spring, because spring signifies new life and at times it feels like more is being cut off and dying than coming back to life. this winter has been a rough one. i'd like to say that i have life figured out, but all i can say is that i know i'm still where God wants me. there are many things i wish i could change, but i'm just learning to trust God in the midst of it all. maybe someday i will see the desires of my heart be met. i have to at least hold on to that hope of someday. michigan can be a lonely place, but i press on because God has a bigger plan and i choose to believe that.

the sun has been shining for 3 days straight and i am loving it! they say rain is to move in, and you know, i don't even mind the rain. i especially look forward to spring/summer thunderstorms.

its funny too, because when i was a kid i can remember hiding in the laundry room because i didn't like storms and now i can't get enough of them. i miss being able to sit on my front porch in chicago during storms and yes, i even miss playing in the rain and jumping in puddles with a friend when life seems a bit dark...

i need a break... but i'd rather have a breakthrough.

2010-03-04T08:37:00.001-05:00

i am sitting at my desk, it hurts my head to look at this computer screen, and even more to think about the words that i'm going to put down on this blog. yes, this morning i woke up with a migraine, it was starting to get better until i got to work. now its all i can think about, but i'm supposed to go to a promotion outing this evening, which means that i will work a 12+ hour day, no matter how i'm feeling. so i'm trying to make the best of it.

i can't wait until some of the stress of life is lifted.

2010

2010-01-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

this morning i woke up and the world seemed so much brighter. maybe its that we are getting a january thaw and the sun is shining bright and its supposed to be warmer outside today...

all i know is that i love this feeling of freedom in my spirit that has taken over today. i pray that it lasts and that this new year is full of freedom, hope and endless possibilities.

maybe its that i feel my heart is free to dream again. with the things uncertain about my job and what was going to happen, now lifted (at least for now) i feel focused and ready to take on whatever this year brings.

would you change the past if you still had time?

2009-11-09T11:28:00.000-05:00

yep, been listening to way too much alevela lately. i've found that their music sparks creativity when i'm creating brochures for work though. weird, i know. haha.

so my last post was from a very dark place in my feelings. since then i've had a great weekend and wanted to write something on a more positive note.

sometimes we have to look beyond ourselves to see that the darkness we find ourselves in is only temporary and that we have the choice to dwell in it or to move into the light. i suppose that's a part of learning to trust God again. Its often when we are walking in darkness that He is the closest to us, only we can't sense him around us. I take comfort in that thought, that even if i can't see where i'm going, He is leading my steps and eventually there will be light to my path again and i will be able to step into the full warmth of the sun and see where i have wandered while in the dark.

with so many uncertainties surrounding, i can still find hope that God is and has always been in control and even if i can't see how things are going to end, or where He is leading me, I know that for this time and this moment, I am where i need to be, i am surrounded by a loving family that supports me, i am working for a camp that i love, and i have some of the best friends ever.

the loneliness i suppose is just stronger felt right now because i am being lead along a solitary path. maybe that's the way God wants it right now, and so i am trying hard to be thankful even in the midst of feeling alone...

would i change the past if i still had time? probably not. my past is my past. its made me who i am today. the only thing i would change is valuing the people that have come and gone in my life more and thinking of myself less.

life after 30...

2009-11-07T17:00:00.000-05:00

so many things in life are uncertain, i'm finding that more and more as the days pass lately. work, friends, etc... it seemed as if everything was going great. i felt at home living with my family, i was loving my job, and realizing just how blessed i am with friends and family. and now, all of that seems so unsure. at least in my head. maybe its all really just and illusion of the truth around me, maybe nothing has changed but my perception. in any case, i'm starting to wonder if i haven't outlived my welcome here. it seems that this is the pattern of my life, to run when i feel things getting harder, but is that what God wants? this is the dilemma in my heart. to want to belong here and find a place in ministry vs. picking up and starting over.

it all comes back to our dreams and how to best fulfill them. of that i'm not certain anymore.

i really feel that i need this road trip with my cousin in december. i need to feel what its like to live free again, to have an adventure that could take you anywhere. when i was younger i used to live life for the moment, and yes, i've grown up, but i feel that there is something missing because i've stopped caring about the adventure in life.

i have been noticing that even in the midst of having friends here, i am always alone. i'm growing tired of that feeling. all i want in this world is to connect somewhere, and my life has been going in circles taking me places and i have yet to connect to a place where i feel like i could stay. i thought home was going to be that place. i wanted it to be that place, but the fact of the matter is, in the 3 years i've been home, i am still alone. maybe thats me, its like i have this bubble around me that only attracts people i have no future with. friends that have no real place for me in their lives. it would seem that i'm depressed, but i'm not. i'm just wondering when i'm ever going to find a place to fit in. when i'm ever going to have friends that live in the same place that i do... that actually want me to be a part of their lives for longer than a few months. my solid friends are the ones that are scattered throughout the world. and i guess i'm missing them.

i feel like i'm back in florida, doing everything by myself and wondering whats next. only when i was in florida i had home to run to, now i'm not sure if home even wants me there. and with the possibilitity of being laid off from work, all i can think about is if i'm going to be forced into a life change that i wasnt prepared for. i don't want life to change right now. i'm happy and enjoying myself. i'm just lonely. i've been lonely for years and nothing ever changes, people come and go that i connect to, but there is always something that keeps us from going deeper.

and now as i sit in a coffee shop, i'm being hit on by the one guy that i'm not interest in. and the one guy that i was hoping would come and talk to me, is not the guy to sit across from me on the couch, but he is still here, and maybe ther is still a chance. haha... and i just realized that the guy i want to talk to me reminds me of jake. ha! thats funny.

i suppose living my life the way i have has led to being alone, but i'd like to think that God would even have a plan to see that change soon.

so on a brighter note, i've seen 3 movies in the past 24 hours. my favorite, ironically, was, "wristcutters: a love story". this movie was depressingly beautiful. not quite what i was expecting, but i really liked it. and the fact that it opened with one of my favorite tom waits songs, dead and lovely, was brilliant. i'm glad i didn't wait for someone else to watch it with me. but i'm very glad that j.rose told me about it.

the next movie that i really liked was "the box" it was done by richard kelly and i did find a lot of donnie darko elements to the movie, which i liked, and overall, had a similar feeling at the end of the movie. i love that richard kelly's movies don't have happy endings. well, they do but not in the normal sense of happy.

then i saw the men who stare at goats, and it was good, but i could have gone without seeing it.

those are my thoughts for now.

machinery don't fail me....

2009-09-23T16:58:00.000-04:00

its been a long month of preparing for an auction that is going to happen in two days... for once i'm not feeling overwhelmed because of it, just tired. i've put in some long days so that i can go and see the wedding on friday and have a short break before the actual event. i'm so happy to see cody and trevor again. its weird when you live on the road with people for a month or so and then years separate you from each other. i can't wait to have a small reunion of sorts. :)

my mind has been working over time, and sometimes i wish there was a better way to quiet it. i always hold so much hope and promise in my heart for a great fall season, because it is my favorite time of year, but so often its not as happy as i would like it.

my fall music obsession is Secret and Whisper. and all i really want is a break. i would love to escape for a week or so and just sit on a beach, soak in the sun and forget the world around me. of all the negatives about my time in florida, the beach was always my place for thinking and journaling. i miss that.

sometimes i wish i could learn the lessons that the Lord would have me learn so that i can move on from my past. i guess thats what i get for having so many layers. when you start to peel away one and find healing there is always another more deeply hidden. I pray to get to the end of these layers soon.

why do i let certain things hold so much control over me. why do i put unrealistic expectations on those who can never live up to them. hmmm, i guess i'm at an interesting point in my life and i don't know what to do about it besides trust that God has a plan that i cannot see right now.

i need an adventure. anything. and i'm so thankful for a friend coming to visit and for what will hopefully be like a family reunion of sorts on december 4th! my heart is so looking forward to that trip.

my heart is a messy place right now and i don't like it, but the Lord is helping me to fix it. :)

and i have to go on record saying that i have one of the best cousins in the world! thats right, be jealous! haha. if my moving back to michigan has blessed me in any way its getting to build a relationship with two of my cousins...

ok, its getting late and i should head home from work so i can be rested and ready to face the day tomorrow, its going to be another long day. but God is good and i will make it thru this week, and the next and the next and i will eventually be able to look back on this and laugh at how stressed i let myself get over nothing.

oh sleeper and other inspirations to me as of late....

2009-08-24T09:09:00.001-04:00

ever since the first time i heard oh, sleeper i was hooked. mainly, because there music is a cry to war. i've always held a warrior spirit deep within my heart and their music lets me know that i'm not alone, many of us carry that spirit, especially if we are living lives for the Lord.

it seems that GOD is speaking to his church that it is time to wake up. that its time to face the war that is going on all around us, just out of sight to the human eye.

the LOVE needs to be there, and this love is not just from words, its from action. We can say we love all we want but if our actions do not follow thru, then how are we ever to show people who yeshua really is??

so I am posting this BLOG today to remind anyone that may read this that they should support OH SLEEPER.
www.myspace.com/ohsleeper

Their new Cd comes out tomorrow and its one of the best cd's lyrically and musically that i've heard in a long time. its a great concept album that shines of God's victory over the enemy.

"its like your deaf to my voice, but i've been here for every moment, waiting on your call to move. if you would just make a choice, i know you would find me wanting, only to be close to you" - Micah Kinard, Oh Sleeper (from reveries of flight)

Pictures.... (from life around camp)

2009-07-07T09:33:00.000-04:00

a beautiful sight on my drive home from work one night.
this picture makes me think of harry potter.

i love this picture! a sunset thru storm clouds over the saginaw bay.
rainbow over the camp.

look out at camp.

our garden :)

kids signing shirts at soccer camp.

the dock where we launch our canoes in the bay.

another lookout at camp.

this is our campfire area.

an old canoe rack.

cottonwood trees make it look like winter.

more cottonwood.

more pics of the bay.

some flowers I spotted by one of the cottages at camp.

beginning of summer...

2009-06-16T12:38:00.000-04:00

i need a little added incentive when it comes to reading books, so i have decided to make a list for the summer. and thanks to j-rose, i have a good start. debbie is keeping track of my books and giving me stickers for the books i complete. haha. just like a little kid with a summer reading list for school! ;)

first on my list are the harry potter books. so i have begun the sorcerer's stone. i am actually excited to have a list to read thru. i'm hoping to change my reading habits this summer and learn to appreciate books again.

the first week of camp has started and it is going well. i've switched up my hours a bit, and am enjoying not having to get up quite so early. its amazing what an extra hour in the morning will do to brighten your spirits.

its not always fun to have to stay so late. but the sun is still up when i get home so it doesn't seem like too late. plus i can't wait to try out the tent with the lights actually lit up. maybe tonight.

so i broke my old camera, and now have a new one. i'm still getting used to all the new settings and stuff that it can do that the old one couldn't... i think i need a trip or something to really try it out. i took some basketball pictures today, hopefully i can get out and take a few more this afternoon.

books

2009-05-19T13:59:00.001-04:00

i had seriously forgotten how awesome it was to get caught up in a good book. and i don't think i've ever read thru 2 thick books in less than a week. but such is the case with my current choice of entertainment.

i finally gave in and watched the movie Twilight. Debbie warned me just to read the books, but i didn't listen, and tried the movie first. that was mistake number one. but i'm actually glad that i watched the movie before reading the first book. when i went back and watched it again after finishing book 1 i didn't think as much of the movie. it left out way too much of the good stuff and changed things around in ways that i didn't like, but understood.

it must be a hard task at times to adapt a book to a movie. i am more hopeful for New Moon. i just finished that book yesterday. at first i was very mad that edward left and broke bella's heart the way he did... but then i started to like the new friendship bella was creating with jacob, so much so that wanting to know how things turn out for them is more important to me than her and edward. i can guess that ending, its jacob i'm concerned about. haha. and i always thought i would be cheering for the vampire. i guess sometimes i surprise myself!

reading has let me enjoy a few more simple things in life and has taken my mind off of others. the other day i layed out in my front yard on a blanket and read a book all afternoon. it made me feel like a kid again. i suppose i can still pass for one by looks, but this took me back to a time when i didn't have to think about the world around me... i could enjoy the heat of the sun and the cool of the breeze and escape into a dream world. only this time it wasn't my own dream world. so often i like sleeping because of my dreams, but books give you that same thrill without having to be a sleep. i had forgotten that. i guess maybe because the books are read aren't usually for fun. they are more for learning. i am going to read more fiction!

as summer approaches, i really hope that i have more time to enjoy simple things like that. i am a nature kind of girl. i love being outside, but too often i let the indoors distract me. im going to try and not let that stop me this summer! :)

i'm itching to travel again. but i think really all i need is to take a trip to one of the great lakes and spend sometime on a "beach" i use the term lightly because our beaches in michigan are nothing like being on a real beach at the ocean. i miss that. i'm feeling reflective again. like i just need a weekend alone with me and my thoughts and of course whatever book i happen to be reading. i'm already a few chapters into Eclipse, work is making it a bit harder to read thru that one as fast. haha. but then there is only one left. i bet once i get all the way thru i will read them again.

and i'm thinking that i need to listen to debbie's advice more often when it comes to reading books! i suppose harry potter will be next. i love the movies and i suppose that once i give the books a read i will appreciate them more.

i suppose i've been keeping to myself lately. my aunt died last friday and her funeral was yesterday. this is the first of my dad's sisters/brothers to die. its hard when they start hitting so close to home. sometimes i wish the distance wasn't so great between me and that side of the family.

oh and just let me say that s. darko, the sequel to donnie darko, made me mad. i liked what they were trying to do with the visuals, but.... the story to me just seemed like whoever was writing it didn't understand the original movie or what "frank" truly represented. it was definitely lacking. and i suppose i knew that i would be disappointed with it, nothing can compare to donnie darko in my mind. it is one of my favorite movies of all time... but i do own the follow up to it now. i may never watch it again, but it will always be in my collection, just because.

its funny because my mind feels like its heading toward the fall, not spring... maybe its because i'm reading books about vampires and werewolfs! haha.

maybe im just missing my friends who are long distances from me... and maybe i'm just needing a new adventure, whatever that may be!

hmmm... i guess thats where i will end my thoughts for now. i have work to finish so i can get home, eat dinner and return to my book. :)

the sun is shining again!

2009-05-14T13:19:00.000-04:00

i always get in weird reflective moods when the weather is a bit dreary. the sun is back out and so it is in my life as well. i'm feeling refreshed, out of the funk that held me captive for about a week or so.

life, it is a gift we are given everyday, and we get to choose what to do with it. so why dwell on the darkness for too long. :)

i have no complaints for my life right now. i am happy and i choose to be. i choose to know that life has a purpose and a meaning greater than myself.

its a beautiful day!

2009-05-13T11:36:00.000-04:00

"when life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it's not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end." - twilight.

my mind is in a weird place right now... caught somewhere between the dark and the light. but i suppose thats kinda of a struggle we all confront in our lives, on a daily basis.

i'm looking for new music. the changing of seasons always makes me look for new music to compliment my moods.

an update...

2009-05-12T09:25:00.000-04:00

sometimes you just need a place to put your thoughts...

lately for some reason i just can't get enough of the song: Nebula - by the band Alevela.

i also started reading Twilight. now, i really didn't want to buy into the whole pop culture craziness that surrounds this book/movie. but after watching the movie, i knew i would not be satisfied to just leave it at that. and while the movie had many cheesy effects/parts, it was the deeper connection between edward and bella that made me love it. which is why i am reading the books and not just letting the movie depict that for me. it appeals to me on so many levels.

i also saw the new star trek. great movie. j.j.abrams is the man! :) my only negative thoughts were that they could have picked a better captain kirk. haha. and that there were way too many lense flairs! some of them were cool, but at times it got a little redundant.

the weekend with vanagon was great. always an adventure when you go on the road!

there is so much more in my head... but i don't have time to think it all thru right now.

life...

2009-04-03T08:55:00.000-04:00

is good. at least i'm happy, and me and God are getting along, and yeah, life seems good right now. i feel like i'm being released to live my dreams again. for the past two years i've been in MI, i pulled myself out of the music scene. mostly, because i didn't have people to go to shows with and was tired of going alone, so i just got lazy and stop going. then, a few months ago, thanks to the shore and a bunch of shows that the confidence was playing, i was able to hang out more with my cousin, which in turn has opened so many new doors for me to connect back into an area of my life that really does drive my passion: MUSIC.

so now I'm helping out the band VANAGON, i suppose i've become their booking girl and manager... haha. which is funny because these are things i suppose i've longed to get back to and now I've been given that chance. it will be an interesting road to follow, not only for me but for the band, and I'm so excited that God has given me this opportunity to help them out. :) i can't think of a greater bunch of guys to be working with... i just wish i could do more for my other cousin...

ok...

2009-04-01T11:26:00.000-04:00

i have not been to this blogger for a while, but felt like updating. mostly because i just added twitter to my blog and was here and thought, i might as well post something. haha

its almost overwhelming to think of writing an update, because so much has been happening in my life. all of it positive, but its thrown me out of my normal routine. actually, though, i had been praying for it, so i don't mind the adjustments. :)

and now due to my crazy schedule... i am unable to actually finish this post with a good entry. gotta finish lunch and then head to a staff meeting and then off to brown city for a camp promo... whew! and its only wednesday! haha.

more to come.